Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Duck walks into a hardware store. "Got any duck food?" he quacks. "Sorry, no," says the proprietor. Duck leaves.

Next day the duck is back. "Got any duck food?" "No," says the proprietor. "I told you before. We don't carry it."

Next day he's back again: "Got any duck food?" The proprietor glares at him. "Look, buddy, we don't sell duck food. We never have and never will. And if you ask me that one more time, I'll nail your little webbed feet to the floor."

Next day the duck is back. "Got any nails?"

"We're out of nails today," says the proprietor.

"Got any duck food?"
_____

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied. How can you be so sure," she protested.
"I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, looked at the bill. "$150!", she cried.. $150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry." "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan. It's now $150."
_____

The rest of the country is debating on whether to get rid of the death penalty... In Texas, we're putting in an express lane!" "If you come to Texas and kill someone, we will kill you right back!"
_____

"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
_____

A Cuban walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says, "That's cool. Where'd you get it?"
The parrot says, "Cuba, they're everywhere"
_____

[wtm442]

BLUENECKS!

Blue Necks are Northerners -- the opposite of Rednecks. Because of
Redneck
jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks look at Northerners
(or how
Northerners sometimes think of themselves

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF.

Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them
"You guys," even if both of them are women.


You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."


You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.


You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the Side
of the road.


You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
Correctly.


For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.


You don't know what a moon pie is. You have probably never watched a
Moon pie in a microwave.


You've never had an RC Cola.


You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled.


You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.


You have no idea what a polecat is.


You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.


You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get His
own TV fishing show.


You drink either "Pop" or "Soda"- instead of "Cokes.


You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife Show.


You have never been hep'd.


You think more money should go to important scientific research at your
university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.


You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.


You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.


You call binoculars opera glasses.


You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of
the road and stopping.

[Ron61]

Three young college girls fresh out of graduation decided to take a trip to Mexico for the weekend to celebrate. They left Friday, had a great time and woke up Monday in a Mexican jail rememberning nothing about the whole weekend. Then they found they were to be excuted by the electric chair and no one would tell them what they did.

As they strapped the first girl, a redhead from Utah into the chair, she yelled, I am from Salt Lake City and a graduate of Brigham Young University and I know God will not let an innocent person be electrocuted. They threw the switch and nothing happened. The guards quickly released her, bowed and asked forgiveness.

The second girl, a brunett from back East, yelled that she was a law graduate from Harvard and she was convinced that justice would not let an innocent person be electrocuted. They threw the switch and once again nothing happend. The guards quickly released her, apologized and said she was indeed innocent and then moved onto the last of the three girls a BLONDE.

After strapping her into the chair she yelled, I am an electrical engineering graduate from the University of Arkansas and I am telling you Idiots right now that you aren't going to elctrocute anyone unless you plug this thing in over there where the plug is laying in the floor.