Jokes

[VRM]

Idiot Sightings Reported


This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone
repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I
asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman
asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I
didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working.
He also requested that we report future outages by email (Does YOUR email
work without a telephone line?).


I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed
I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me
that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When
I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I
had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.
She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the
receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.


I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing
sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he
didn't want them to cross there anymore.


My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg.


I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I
replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled
knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."


The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was
crossing with an intellectually-challenged co-worker of mine when she asked
if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people
when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind
people doing driving?!"


At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the
company due to 'downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun.
We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at
each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.


I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and
for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.


When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car,
we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the
door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the
technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that
side."

[VRM]

The Sex Diet
This guy was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor told him to go on a diet. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 lb. Weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself, I like the way this company does business. For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he's lost 10 pounds.

Deciding that he likes his more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 lb. weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a
sign hanging around her neck, which reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. It takes a while to catch her, but when he does, he realizes that it was worth every cramp and wheeze. She's the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.

He decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?", asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely!", he says. "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands Richard Simmons wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads "If I catch you, I can have you."

[VRM]

How to Stay Healthy

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.


Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?

A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.

[cobra de capell]

Post Turtle
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old California rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Nancy Pelosi and her elevation to speaker of the house. The old racher said, “Well, ya know, Nancy is a post turtle.”

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was. The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle.”

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain.

“You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just want to help the dumb SOB get down.”

[wtm442]

I told that Post Turtle joke to my turtle, but he did not laugh. As a matter of fact, he is coming your way and he will get ya!

[cobra de capell]

[quote=wtm442]I told that Post Turtle joke to my turtle, but he did not laugh. As a matter of fact, he is coming your way and he will get ya!

I've never seen a post turtle - why would someone have one of those?

[wtm442]

Who wouldn't want a flying turtle with a metal post up his a$$