Jokes

[wizard]

Now how does someone discover that? That IS a hoot!

[cobra de capell]

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers from Singapore. She refused with disdain.
He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.

He found Mabel, and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her. Mac began the amorous act and after a few minutes was pleased to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear.

Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms."

"Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on them sneakers."

_____

A blond called her boy friend and said, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and can’t figure it out or how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blond said, “According to the picture on the box, its a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, were not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

He took her hand and said, “Second,I want you to relax. Lets have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then…” He sighed…

“Let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

_____

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?”

“Good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and
send them back to the candle makers, and every now and
then they send us a free box of candles.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that
his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he
went, in his obnoxious way: “What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they Send us a free box of bread wafers.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

“Here, too, we do not waste, “ answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”
_____

[EarlsflyinCobra]

THE WASHCLOTH Ladies this has to be
read, laughed at and passed. There isn't a woman alive
today who won't crack up over this!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist
later in the week.. Early one morning, I received a
call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had
been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had
only just packed everyon e off to work and school, and
it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office
took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to
spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort
over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I
wasn't going to be able to ma ke the full effort. So,
I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the
washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave
myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was
at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the
clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car
and raced to my appointment.

I was in t he waiting room for only a few minutes when
I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure
you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the
other side of the room and pretended that I was in
Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My,
we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't
we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and
went home. The rest of the day was normal ... Some
shopping, cleaning, cooking.
;
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing,
she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my
washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the
sink, i t had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside
it."

NEVER EVER GOING BACK TO THAT DOCTOR. EVER!

[Wes Tausend]

...

That time of year again...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed.

"So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5,with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it.

The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself!

And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the ******* putt, didn't you?"


...

[Cobrabill]

Jesse's inspired some great jokes.........

"Jesse Jackson was involved in a three-car crash this weekend. I understand that no one was hurt, but I understand that two of the women in the other cars are now pregnant." —Jay Leno

"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk with the Taliban, apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad." —Jay Leno

"Jesse Jackson's wife was arrested in Puerto Rico while protesting the naval bombings there. Jesse said he was holding a meeting with four of his secretaries to decide what to do and that these meetings could run well into the night." —Jay Leno

"Jesse Jackson is on a 70-day tour in five cities. One of the problems in this country, he says, is poor people that can't make a living wage. So starting today, he's bumping up the payments he's making to his mistresses by $10,000." —Jay Leno

"Jesse had unselfishly volunteered to go to China to help gain the release of the U.S. soldiers....He was going to go by himself, with no security. He was going to go alone. Once again, Jesse going in without protection." —Jay Leno

"I guess we didn't even officially apologize. Jesse Jackson called on the United States to officially apologize to the Chinese. Jesse said, 'An apology is not a sign of weakness.' And as President Clinton has taught us, an apology isn't even a sign you're sorry." —Jay Leno

"Jesse Jackson's in trouble. They're going after this tax thing. Jesse said he will amend his taxes to show the money that he paid to his mistress. See, he has just one mistress. Jesse uses the standard mistress deduction. As opposed to Clinton, who had to itemize." —Jay Leno

"As part of his ongoing financial disclosures, Jesse Jackson told the Chicago Sun Times this week that he doesn't have a checking account or a credit card. Probably because to get those, you need a job." —Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"It gives new meaning to affirmative action. She said, 'Do you want some action?' He said, 'Affirmative.'" —Jay Leno, on Jesse Jackson's extramarital affair

"Here's the worst part about this whole thing. During the impeachment trial, Jesse Jackson was Bill Clinton's spiritual adviser. In fact, that's where Bill and Monica got that cigar. Jesse was passing them out: 'Here you go! It's a girl! It's a girl!" —Jay Leno

"Following revelations that he fathered a love child, the good Reverend Jesse Jackson — or should we say the 'very' good Reverend — is enduring the scandal with the help of family and friends. A scandal which gives clearer meaning to the Rainbow Coalition's Operation 'Push'." —Jon Stewart

"Jackson was carrying on his affair with Sanford while he was counseling President Clinton during the Monica Lewinsky scandal. In fact, he even brought his pregnant mistress to the White House, one can only assume to show off to Clinton how to properly destroy one's career and reputation." —Jon Stewart

"Reportedly Jackson paid the woman $40,000 cash to move to L.A. where she is living in a $365,000 home and he is paying her $10,000 a month. Apparently, this woman has found the pot of gold at the end of the Rainbow Coalition." —Jay Leno

"Jesse Jackson needs to recount his children" —a sign seen at Bush's inauguration

[cobra de capell]

How to boost office morale:

[cobra de capell]

Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his dad moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Davie asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?” His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Davie, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”
_____

Tommy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if
he had done his chores. “Not yet,” said Tommy. His mother tells him no
breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little irritated, so he
goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows,
and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes
back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my
cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a
week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting
any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway
across the kitchen. Tommy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
“Are you going to tell him, or should I?

[Rick Parker]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The clerk placed a card over one eye and asked him to read and recite the letters on the test poster behind her.
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the clerk asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy!"

[cobra de capell]

An old one - but oh so true.

The Republican Fisherman

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.

You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
_____

There are several politically neutral alternatives —

Sight picture: an eight-ounce glass containing four ounces of water.

Democrat: “OH, MY GOD!! This is an EMERGENCY! What will we do? Who will help us? I’m calling my congressperson AND my therapist!!”

Republican: “Who in the [censored] drank my water?”

Sight picture: A man drowning 25 feet off shore.

Republican, standing on a broad balcony looking down on the beach: “You should learn to swim! It’ll do you a wonder of good. I did, and look where I am today!”

Democrat, breathlessly running to the scene: “OH, MY GOD!! This is an EMERGENCY! Thank God the Government has shown me what to do!!” Whereupon he throws the victim a brand new, shrink-wrapped 100-foot coil of rope. Mightily pleased with himself, he quickly races off to save someone else.

[cobra de capell]

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
____

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
_____

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was: “Name seven advantages of “Mothers Milk.” Worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, who had partied late the night before, was frustrated to think of seven advantages.

For Mother's Day:

After going through Lamaze, Leboyer, and La Leche classes with his expectant wife, the proud new father remained by her bedside throughout the labor delivery and wanting to be as sympathetic as possible, he took his wife’s hand afterward and said emotionally. “Tell, me how it was, darling, how it actually felt to give birth.”

“OK, honey,” his wife replied. “Smile as hard as you can.”

Beaming down at his wife and smile, the man followed her instsuctions. “That’s not hard.”

She continued, “Now stick a finger in each corner of you mouth.”

He obeyed, smiling broadly. “Now stretch your lips as far as they’ll go,” she went on.

“Still not to tough.” he remarked.

“Right.” she snapped. “Now pull them over your head.”
____

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. “Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.” Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn’t true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.

LETTER 4:
Dear God:
I know I haven’t been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy’s mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. “Just be home in time for dinner,” his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Leroy began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 5:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO.
____

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was: “Name seven advantages of “Mothers Milk.” Worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, who had partied late the night before, was frustrated to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang, indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7. It comes in such cute containers.

He got an “A”.

[cobra de capell]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
_____

Texan: “Where are you from?”

Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”

Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”
_____

[cobra de capell]

I went into the gas station today and

asked for five dollars worth of gas...

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

_____

AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, “SIR, WHAT’S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?”

THE OLD FARMER SAID, “THAT’S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I
GO, CHUCK GOES.”

“I’M SORRY SIR,” SAID THE TICKET AGENT. “WE CAN’T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER.”

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

“MARGE,” WHISPERED MILDRED.

“WHAT?” SAID MARGE.

“I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT.”

“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?” ASKED MARGE.

“HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT”, WHISPERED MILDRED.

“WELL, DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT”, SAID MARGE. “HELL, AT OUR AGE WE’VE SEEN ‘EM ALL”

“I THOUGHT SO TOO”, SAID MILDRED, BUT THIS ONE’S EATIN’ MY POPCORN

[cobra de capell]

Three women all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each Thursday, they noticed the boss left work early.
One Thursday the three employees decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

She quitely cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!!

Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next Thursday at coffee break, the brunette and the redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

“No way,” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught last Thursday.”
_____

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

I asked him what to give you and he said, 'Screw him, give him a dollar.' " The lady then smiled broadly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[cobra de capell]

Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them in their life.

The 80 year old said : "The best thing that could happen to me is to be able to have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and hurts, and I have to go over and over again."

The 85 year old said: "The best thing could happen to me is if I could have a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on, and still I have a problem."

The 90 year old man said: "That's not my problem, every morning at 6:00 am sharp I have a good long pee and at 6:30 sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me, is if I could wake up before 7:00."

[cobra de capell]

On that fateful day at the Alamo, Davy Crockett - hearing a loud commotion from outside - got up from his bunk on the ground floor and proceeded to the observation post located above the west wall.
William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already up there. The three stood side by side and silently gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.
Finally, Crockett turned to Bowie and Travis, and with with a puzzled look on his face said........



".... Gentlemen, are we having the lawn mowed today?"

[cobra de capell]

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.

One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears~~a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high~powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend’s family. He just had to save his friend.

Luckily, the bears were still there. “He’s in THAT one!” cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

“What did you do that for?!” exclaimed the lawyer, “I said he was in the other bear!”

“Exactly,” replied the sheriff. “Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?”
_____

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirm ing around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

“I thought I told you to call your Mom!” she said. “I did,” he said, “and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.”

[cobra de capell]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Miss Patricia Whack.

“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”

Patricia looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims you know his dad. He wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this thing?”

The bank manager looks back at it and says to her...
“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

[cobra de capell]

Nice beer holders!

[cobra de capell]

Al Gore's Home Office:

[BMK]

Mmmm thought beer was kept chilled.



Teacher decides to get to know her class of 6 year old on her first day with them.

'Well" she says "who can tell me what they want to be when they leave school"?.

Little Helen in the front row puts up her hand and says " I want to be a nurse when I leave school"

"That's a very admiral career Helen looking after people" the teacher replies

Tommy just behind shoots up his hand and says "I want to be a Fireman when I leave school"

"Tommy" she says That is also a good job as you will be helping people also"

Little Paul shoots up his hand "I want to be a Policeman when I leave school" He says.

"That's also a good job as you will be working with Tommy helping people" the teacher replies

There's a crash and a bang from the back of the classroom and Robbie shouts out "I'm going to be a School Crossing Supervisor"

The teacher looks at Robbie puzzled and asks "Why do you want to be a School Crossing Supervisor when you leave school"?

"I know that is a job that is helping people" the teacher adds "But why a School Crossing Supervisor" she asks.

"Easy" Robbie says "You don't have to start work until your 70 years old."