Jokes

[Cobrabill]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'



To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I ****ed on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery, jammed a big dildo in my ass, put clothespins on my nuts, beat me over the head and back with a chain, pulled the dildo out of my ass, tried to make me suck the dildo???'



She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[cobra de capell]

Ole was walking home late at night, through the park and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty dollars' she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the hell, it s only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them-- it's a police officer. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making luff to my vife ,' Ole answers indignantly.

'Oh, I'm sorry.' says the cop. 'I didn't know.'

'Vell,' says Ole, 'I din't neder, 'til you shine that damn light in her face.'
_____

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country.

He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read 'Calls: $10,000 a minute.'

Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Georgia.

Upon entering a church in Alma, Georgia which is only about 30 miles from Waycross....behold - he saw the usual golden telephone.
But THIS time, the sign read 'Calls: 35 cents'.

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor.

'Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden Telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?'

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, 'Son, you're in the South now. You're in God's Country....It's a local call.'
_____

A hiker became lost and ends up spending the next three days wandering around in the woods looking for food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle perched on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating the bird raw.

A park ranger stumbles onto the scene, finds the hiker eating the bird, and arrests him for killing an endangered species.

In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.

“Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty,” says the judge. “But I have to ask - what did the bald eagle taste like?”

“Well, your honor,” the hiker says, “it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.”