Jokes

[cobra de capell]

A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.


"If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
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After years of frustration, the Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh...equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? ... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
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LOST & FOUND

Yellow-brown mixed breed dog.
Blind in left eye with torn right ear.
Missing two teeth & four toes on left hind food.
Right leg is crooked & missing half a tail.
Recently neutered.
Answers to the name of LUCKY.
Reward.
_____

MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction.

She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.

She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.

At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


MOODS OF A MAN

Horny
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A Texas rancher and his wife bickered their way through France as if they were back home in the Panhandle.

They were scarcely speaking by the time they arrived for their dinner reservations at a fancy French restaurant.

When the waiter asked for their order, the rancher said, "I'll have a big, thick, porterhouse steak."

The waiter looked surprised. "Monsieur? What about ze mad cow?"

The rancher replied, "Oh, she'll just have the salad!"