Jokes

[Ron61]

World’s shortest books

Irish Wit and Wisdom
Jewish Business Ethics
Italian War Heroes
Aboriginal Hygiene Hints
The Best Things in Life by Adolf Hitler
Muslim Pork Dishes
The Amish Phone Book
Great Women Drivers of Today
The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex
The Great Big Book of Good Australian Beer
Beauty Secrets by Margaret Thatcher
Things I Can`t Afford by Bill Gates

Germany's Best Jokes

French War Victories
Boxing Tips by Mahatma Ghandi
The Muslim Guide to Hygenie
The Ethiopian's Guide to Good Dieting
David Hassellhoff's Guide to Drinking Responsibly
Keeping the Peace by George Bush
Juggling by Abu Hamza
Chelsea F.C. - A European History
Places I've Seen by Stevie Wonder

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

THE PLAN:

A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.

D. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.


Damn - I love it when a plan comes together
_____

How to say “I love you” in 25 languages:

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai ****e Imasu

Thai
Phom rak khun

Italian
Ti amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar

Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Missouri
Mississippi
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
and parts of Florida

Nice Ass , Get in the truck
_____

Ole had come down with a bug, and after weeks of trying everything he was getting worse instead of better.

Lena finally convinced him to see the doctor, but being too weak to venture out the doctor made a house call.

After examining Ole the doctor wanted to talk to Lena out in the hall, but Ole insisted he be a part of the conversation.

The doctor appologized, and said there was nothing that could be done. It was just a matter of time and Ole would be gone.

Ole pled with the doctor to do something ... do anything ... "I'm not ready yet, I'll try anything!"

The doctor thought on it and finally said "Well there is something you could do." "Mud packs!" "Start out slow ... a couple a day, and as you feel up to it add more until you are taking three mud baths a day."

Ole brightened up and promised to do it faithfully, and then he asked "Will it really work? Will it cure me?"

The doctor replied "I doubt it, but it WILL help you get used to the dirt."
_____

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection..

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[cobra de capell]

If you ever need a new screen cleaner - here's a guy that can do the job....

http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf

Also, some things never change.....All women use the same excuse.....

Farm Girl Birth Control

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method." "That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record."

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said. Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method" After a short delay, he told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby."

He asked the second city gal what method d she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."

He turns to the farm gal. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method.. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is.. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?"

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers,

I kick the pail out from under him."

[cobra de capell]

An old man turned 105 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty young woman of about 20 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.

"Are these your grandkids" the reporter asked?

"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns" the old man replied with a sly grin.

"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too"?

"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife".

"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 20 or 21 years old"!

"Thass right," said the old man with pride.

"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 105 and she being only 20," the reporter remarked.

"Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off".

"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off"?

"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights 'em"!
_____

Prof. Miller's In-class Assignment for Wednesday.

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? "Well, today we will experiment with a new form called the 'tandem story'. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted), and Gary (last name deleted).

THE STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,....", he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary) Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of f*****g TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

(Rebecca) A$$hole.

(Gary) B*tch
____

A student wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he gets a part-time job down at the morgue after class so he can practice a little.

He uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls the cork out jumps back when music suddenly starts playing!

"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the doctor and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look" he says and pulls the cork out again, "!

"... On the road again .. . "

The doctor is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen" the student asked?

"Are you kidding?" says the doctor. "Any a****** can sing country music"!