Jokes

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Old 'Burma Shave' Roadway Signs!

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME IN ANOTHER CAR. Burma Shave

TRAINS DON'T WANDER ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS HER HUSBAND JAKE Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING, NURSE Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL AND A LITTLE MORE STEER Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT? Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HOPIN' Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER'S CODE Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL AND SO WAS HE. Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW Burma Shave

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Mental test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view?
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A married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

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The main cause of traffic accidents.......







Threat Levels


The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And at a local level... New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the
airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.
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A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving.

This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.

"In that case," she said, "please add 'Till We Meet Again.'"
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One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

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[tfalk]

What do God and Obama have in common: Neither has a birth certificate



What is the difference between God and Obama : God does not want to be Obama

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In Texas, a woman was called in front of a grand jury for possible manslaughter charges after she shot a mugger in the back six times as he was running away with her purse. He had grabbed her purse and ran. She had her hand on her gun inside the purse and when he ran with the purse she was left holding just the gun.


When asked by the grand jury why she shot him six times, in the back as he was running, under oath she replied "Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time, it only went click."

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Why did the caveman pull their women around by the hair?

Cuz, if they pulled them around by the leg, they would fill up with sand.
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A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous b*tch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
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How the economy works......

It is the month of August, a resort town sits next to the shores of a lake.

It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 dollar bill on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher. The Butcher takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the pig raiser. The pig raiser takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel. The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit. The runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 dollar bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 dollar bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything. At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 dollar bill, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.

By the way, the hotel is called HOTEL HOPEYCHANGE.