Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Location: Oval office






"All this should have been mine. Dammit."
“I am doing my part to save the Whales by becoming one!”
"I've been sitting out here in the waiting room for 4 hours. How much longer before I get my mandatory end of political life counseling from Dr. Emanuel anyway. I just want to go back to Chicago and get fat with Oprah. Anyone got a Valium? Life sucks. Yeah you to Monica. How much longer..."

Dinner is Served...




A Rabbi is a passenger on a bus involved in a rollover accident. After the wreck, he appears to be uninjured but is repeatedly crossing himself. A police officer on scene approaches him and says, “Rabbi, are you all right?” The rabbi answers, “Yes, my son,” but continues crossing himself.

The policeman says, “But you’re a Rabbi. Why are you crossing yourself?”

The Rabbi says, “Son I’m just making sure everything is still here. Spectacles, Testicles, comb and pen.”
_____

Two Jews are down on their luck. They are walking back to their hotel when they happen to pass a Roman Catholic church. They see a big sign outside saying “CONVERT TO CHRISTIANITY AND GET $20”.

Avram looks up and down the street, then turns to Shlomo and says, “Let’s do it — no-one will know when we get back home and we’ll each make $20.”

“Okay,” says Shlomo. “You go first.”

So Avram strides purposefully into the church. He comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

“So,” asks Shlomo eagerly, “did you get the $20?”

Avram looks up and says, “Is that all you people think of?”
_____

Bill Clinton went to see his doctor and the doctor told him, “Bill, you have to stop masturbating.” The startled Bill Clinton asked him, “Why?” and the doctor replied, “Because I have to examine you.”
_____

Democrats, realizing the huge success of the President’s “Cash For Clunkers” rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan.

President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reed are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained a advanced copy of the proposal which is named....

CASH FOR CODGERS and it works like this... Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person for each child they conceive. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts, while younger healthier codgers will earn them less.

Special “Bonus Money” will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups such as; smokers, beer/ alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.

Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who eat/drink; beef, soda, fried foods, tater chips, lattes ,whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, Carvel or Girl Scout Cookies.

All codgers will be immediately rendered totally useless via toxic injection upon submission to the plan. This will insure that they are not secretly resold/reused or that their body parts be harvested to keep other codgers in decent repair.