Jokes

[392cobra]

The Federal Department of Labor offices claimed a small Texas farmer was not paying proper wages to his hired help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
The conversation they had follows
Federal agent: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
Farmer: Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board and furnish him a pickup to drive and he charges all his fuel to me. Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whis- key every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
Federal agent: That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one.
Farmer: That would be me

[bliss]

How to Identify Where a Driver is From
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all
lanes of traffic: New Jersey.

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator: Boston.

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino,
cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los
Angeles.

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering
in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head
turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.

8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone,
foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating
between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on
brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear
window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:
West Virginia.

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above
windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with
the left blinker on: Florida.

[letsboogie351]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The boob will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men starring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Ibr8k4vetts]

Love it!!!

[Aussie Mike]

There’s a knock at the door.

The bloke goes and opens it and there’s 2 police men standing there and one holds up a picture of a woman.

“Is this your wife sir?”

The bloke say’s “Yes, that’s her”

“We’re sorry sir but it looks like she’s been hit by a bus”

“Yes I know, but she’s got a wonderful personality”

[Dominik]

Cool thread, let me start all over from page 1! :-)

[bliss]

Best Cop Contest



In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the
President narrowed the field to three finalists, the CIA, the FBI, and
the Chicago Police Dept. The three remaining contenders were given the
task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The FBI went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They
questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The CIA went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they
burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no
apologies. The rabbit deserved it.

The Chicago Police went into the forest. They came out two hours later
with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling "Okay, Okay, I'm a friggin'
rabbit, I'm a friggin' rabbit!"

[letsboogie351]

A cop from the NZ Police was watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road
with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer then
found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a
bucket full of money.


A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in the Manawatu with a fine of $160 included. Being cute, he sent
the police department a picture of $160. The police responded with another
mailed photo of handcuffs.



A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As a NZ Policeman walked to her
car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to
sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball.' He replied, 'New Zealand
policemen don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled,
and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in
his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

[bliss]

Lucky Escape (what a great pay-back).....


IMDb Video: Lucky Escape

[letsboogie351]

On her recent trip to the United States , Julia Gillard, Prime Minister of Australia , addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.

She spoke for almost an hour on her plans for Carbon Trading Tax for Australia .

At the conclusion of her speech, the crowd presented her with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Ms Gillard then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Ms Gillard.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of **** that it can no longer fly.

[bliss]

This is cool. When you're done with the 30 seconds, look at the back of your hand while it is still on the mouse.

Make sure you look at the image for a full 30 seconds before looking at your hand! Have fun!

Okay, this is downright weird. Don't be suspicious, nothing is going to jump out or scream at you. Just follow the instructions. Wait the entire 30 seconds. (Slowly count to 30.)

1.- Open the link
2.- Then "click me to get trippy",
3.- Look at the center of the screen for 30 seconds, and then..
4.- Look at your hand holding the mouse, without moving it away from
the mouse..

(it is no joke, it is called "cenesthetic hallucination") click below..........

Neave Strobe - Like dropping acid, but not

[Joe Wicked]

Originally Posted by bliss

This is cool. When you're done with the 30 seconds, look at the back of your hand while it is still on the mouse.

Make sure you look at the image for a full 30 seconds before looking at your hand! Have fun!

Okay, this is downright weird. Don't be suspicious, nothing is going to jump out or scream at you. Just follow the instructions. Wait the entire 30 seconds. (Slowly count to 30.)

1.- Open the link
2.- Then "click me to get trippy",
3.- Look at the center of the screen for 30 seconds, and then..
4.- Look at your hand holding the mouse, without moving it away from
the mouse..

(it is no joke, it is called "cenesthetic hallucination") click below..........

Neave Strobe - Like dropping acid, but not

That was pretty cool actually.

[bliss]

As a former English teacher, I appreciate the example used in the following. Only wish I could have used it in 8th grade classes - I'm sure they would've gotten it then.

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalization.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement.

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

[Commodore]

Seems you've inadvertently 'capitalized' on the two major problems of being a horse - having hoofs and the fact that someone is always trying to get on top of you (or in Uncle Jacks case, under you). Funny how important that 'shift key' can be. Great typing/writing example! Proper writing skills and grammar in our country looks to be stuck in a flat spin.
RB

[bliss]

A grandmother and her ten-year-old grandson were riding in a taxi on
Seymour Street in Vancouver . It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Grandma," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell
him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money...”

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Grandma?"

His grandmother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Grandma, what happens to the babies
those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.

DON’T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE !!!

[bliss]

Location, Location, Location....

It is as true about real estate as it is about retail merchandising.
If you have a vegetable store, you want it close to the route where
people commute home from work.

But this is just ridiculous.

How close to a train track can you set up a vegetable market? [VIDEO]

[letsboogie351]

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10 or 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker; really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded, and a real credit to the company. He obviously demonstrated their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley," he began, "I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know, boss. I am working on it." Charley replied

"Well, good. You're a team player. That's what I like to hear."
"Yes sir. I understand your concern, and I'll try harder."
Puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up so late and so often?"
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly and said with a sheepish grin, "They usually saluted and said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?'."

[bliss]

A senior remembers when a $1.00 actually went somewhere

Grandad remembering the good old days.

When I was a boy, my momma would send me down to the corner store with a $1.00 and I would come back with 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can’t do that now. Too many f*#kin security cameras.

[letsboogie351]

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed a very happy and very old looking lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,
"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.

Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food

on weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Forty," she replied

[bliss]

The Magic Green Hat

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the hat.



It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.