Jokes

[cobra de capell]

DIVORCE AGREEMENT


THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.

American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists
and Obama supporters, et al:


We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.


Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure

our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can

effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.


We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns

and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.



You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O' Don nell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).


We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot
Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood ..

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are
under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a
right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you Answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheehan, Barbara Streisand, &
Jane Fonda with you.

P. S. S. And we won't have to press 1 for English.
______

A teacher was explaining to her class that certain colors are associated with particular colors, so she passed out lifesavers to each child. The children began to identify the flavors by their color:


Red......................Cherry

Yellow................Lemon

Green..................Lime

Orange ............... Orange


Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None

of the children could identify the taste.


The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your

mother may sometimes call your father.'


One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and

yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!
_____

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The cop says: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine..'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The cop asks: 'And her ... what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

[cobra de capell]

When you are having a bad day,

and think that you are having problems,

just remember:

SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD, THERE IS A MR. PELOSI.
_____

Random Thoughts From People 25-35 Years Old

-I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you’re wrong.

-I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to
have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-That’s enough, Nickelback.

-I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know”
feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose
not to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

-There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first
saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting
90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the
only one who really, really gets it.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to
finish a text.

- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

- LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.

- Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”,
all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

- How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod
and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and
said “Yes that’s G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies”

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

- I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’
to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an
overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”

-I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories

-Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if
I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring
would probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be
a problem....

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t
want to have to restart my collection.

-There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

- “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will
they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t
watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and
leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone
and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she
hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles...

- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
every time...

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and
the link takes me to a video instead of text.

-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.

-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
______

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
_____

Two tampons were standing in line at the bank. Neither of them said anything to each other, because they were both stuck-up bi$ches.

[cobra de capell]

Political Humor, etc .....

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot.. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P..J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

11.. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress. -- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson

25. Democracy is Two Wolves and a Lamb Voting on What to Have for Lunch. Liberty is a Well-Armed Lamb Contesting the Vote.
_____

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.

Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.

A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
_____

Quick reads......


The World's Shortest Books:



MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
______________________________
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
___________________________________

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
_________________________________

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry

____________________________________

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

____________________________


A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. J Kevorkian

__________________________________

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

____________________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson
_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy
______________________________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson


************************************************** *****

AND, JUST ADDED:

Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!

By Nancy Pelosi

[Ron61]

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

Sorry about this, I was An Idiot too,And Needed Company....

[cobra de capell]

Murphy’s Other Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong, a tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those whom live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

13. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
_____

1) What does the average Univ. of Michigan player get on his SATs?
.........Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put 32 West Virginia cheerleaders in one room?
..........A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room?
.........Grease her hips and push.

(4) How do you get a Florida State graduate off your porch?
..........Pay him for the pizza.

(5) How do you know if an Alabama football player has a girlfriend?!
.........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.

(6) Why is the Indiana football team like a possum?
........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) What are the longest three years of a Miami (Fla) football player’s life?
..........His freshman year

(8) How many Oklahoma freshmen does it! take to change a light bulb?
..........None. That’s a sophomore course.

(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
......... Durham, North Carolina. He knew that the police would never look at Duke for a Heisman Trophy winner.

AND FINALLY.....drum roll and cymbal crash.......

(10) Why did Texas choose orange as their team color?
.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
_____

[cobra de capell]

Washington, D.C. UP-API 8/31/2009

In a move considered by analysts to be a way to reduce the high
cost of the president's healthcare plan, The White House had just
announced the appointment of Dr. Jack Kevorkian as Surgeon General.
Dr. Kevorkian will have full authority to decide who gets cured and who
gets to die. As a result of Dr. Kevorkian's appointment Healthcare
experts expect much fewer patient complaints, as well as the virtual
elimination of aches and pains complaints by seniors.

"We'll cut healthcare costs by ninety percent," the president said. "I promised you change, didn't I?"
______

Strange 'Questions':

Sexual harassment at work-is it a problem for the self-employed? --Victoria Wood

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in? --Steven Wright

What happens if you go on a survival course - and you don't pass?

What happens if you take No-Doze and wash it down with Nyquil?

Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?

What is shaved ice? Did it have hair on it before it was shaved?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons?

Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
_____

Prospective New Teacher Responds to School Board

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:

'Let me see if I've got this right.

'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.


'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.


'You want me to do all this and then you tell me. . .


I CAN'T PRAY?
_____

Subject: Is sex work?



A U.S. Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the captain
decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it
was "pleasure?"

A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A lieutenant said it was 50-50%.

An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his
state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge
of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
pleasure."

The captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the Navy sailor.
_____

[cobra de capell]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.

He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still
only one God common to both our faiths. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by
pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I
pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.
_____





After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly,

"Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of a$$?"


"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added,


"Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"


"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly,

but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh a$$ for mah drink."
_____