Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

~~How to stay young~~

1.Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let
the doctor worry, that is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. If you really
need a grouch, there are probably a few dozen of your relatives to do the
job.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Just never let the brain become idle.

4. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so
much that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter.

5. Do not worry about situations beyond your control. Karma is karma. What
shall be will be.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only people who are
with us our entire life, is ourselves.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is
unstable,improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, and a foreign
country, but not guilt.

10. Tell the people you love, that you love them, at every opportunity.

Remember, Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the
moments that take our breath away.

[CobraDan]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks
once more for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He was going at it as best he could for a guy of his age, but needing some
reassurance, he asked. "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money-back.

[CobraDan]

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"
"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.
Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"

[CobraDan]

After their baby was born, the panicked Jewish father went to see the obstetrician Dr. Cohen.
"Doctor," Mr. Spiegel said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
Spiegel seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months"
"There you have it!" the doctor Cohen said confidently. "It's just rust."

[CobraDan]

3 nuns die and go to heaven. When they meet St.Peter at the gates, he tells them, "before you can enter, you must each answer 1 question."
He turns to the first nun and says, " who was first man on earth?" The nun says, "well that would be Adam." Ding ding the bells ring and the golden gates open, and she walks in.
St.Peter turns to the second nun and said, "Ok, who was the first woman on earth?" The nun said," well that would be EVE." Ding ding the bells ring and the golden gates opens and she walks in.
St. Peter turns to the 3rd nun and said, "What was mans first expression, when he first saw woman?"
The nun, with a confused look on her face said, "Thats a hard one." Ding ding the bells ring and the golden gates open and she walks in.

[bonyhadi]

MY DARLING SON

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said,
"My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he
hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not
only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but
he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."

"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled
next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

[CobraDan]

Moses,Jesus, and an old man are golfing.
Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball.
It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.
Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball.
It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.
Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball.
It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap.
But just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.
As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws.
The eagle flies off over the green, where a lighting bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it.
Startled, the eagle drops the fish.
When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says,
"Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

[bonyhadi]

I married a nun; nun in the morning; nun at night...







SAFETY TIPS FOR MEN WHO VISIT XXX WEBSITES
1. It is unsafe to lick your monitor while it is ON.
2. The orifices in the back of your monitor are NOT intended for
participation in the LIVE sex shows.
3. The fan in your computer's power supply is not a good place to cool
your "heat of passion" (although, it would certainly be an enlightening
experience)
4. Be prepared to replace your keyboard often if you enjoy "tickling
the keys" with your manhood.
5. Semen IS electrically conductive!










A young man bought a new pair of boots of which he was very proud. He
decided to go dancing and give them a try.
After dancing with one lady for a few minutes, he said, "I bet you I
can guess the color of your panties."
"OK," she replied. "What color do you think they are?"
"Blue," he replied.
"How did you know that?" she asked.
"I saw the reflection in my shiny new boots," he said.
"Here, she said, "dance with my sister and tell me what color she has
on."
After dancing a while, the young man started rubbing his toes on his
pant cuffs and started to dance again. After a few minutes, he ask the
new lady, "What color panties do you have on? I can't seem to make them
out."
To which she replied, "I don't have any panties on."
With a sigh of relief, the young man said, "Oh good! For a minute I
thought I had a crack in my new boots."








Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher.








Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex. Elmer says,
"Yes sir, I did it three times last night with a 30-year-old!"

Leon replies, "You're kidding." "I can't even manage to do it once."
"What's your secret?"

Elmer replies, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread."

So the second old man rushes to the store. The clerk asks the old man,
"May I help you?"

"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please."

The clerk says, "That's a lot of bread." "It's sure to get hard before
you're done."

The old man says, "Damn!" "Does everyone know about this except me?"














After several exciting dates, Jim invited Tina over to his house for a
home-cooked dinner.

When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the
dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life.

"Have these dishes ever been washed?" Tina asked, running her fingers
over the grit and grime.

Jim replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

Tina felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating. It was really
delicious and she said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, Jim took the dishes outside, whistled and
yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"













What Should Sex and Parking Spaces have in common:
You should never have to wait to find one
You should be able to slide right into one
Spaces in the front are always the best
When there are no spaces in front, spaces in the rear are just fine.
It make you jealous when you see someone else is double-parked.
Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back.
People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces.
Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying.
We're all looking for the free space with the "unlimited" time limit.
A house isn't a home without a parking space.
Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear, just do it.









What are the worst three words you could hear during sex?
A. "Honey, I'm home!"
B. "The Condom Broke!"
C. "I've got AIDS
D. "Get off me!"
E. "Is it in?"
F. "Who are you?"

[flipper35]

This is a heck of a thing to post when trying to get people here, but ask Jamo, it isn't quite this bad.

You Know You're in the Imperial Valley When.....

You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water...
You can say 110 degrees without fainting...
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off...
You can make instant sun tea...
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron...
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly...
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your
car...
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window...
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead
of distance...
Hot water now comes out of both taps...
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one
person is out on the streets...
You actually burn your hand opening the car door...
You break a sweat the instant you step outside...at 7:30a.m.
before work...
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not
having air-conditioning...
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out
and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?...
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state...

It's so hot in the Imperial Valley......

The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the
ground.

The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have
lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them
from laying hard-boiled eggs.

It's so dry in the Imperial Valley...

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistlin' for the dogs.

A sad Imperial Valleyite once prayed, "I wish it would rain--not so
much for me, cuz I've seen it--......but for my 7-year-old."

A visitor to the Imperial Valley once asked, "Does it ever
rain out here?" A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you
remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40
nights?" The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."
"Well," the rancher puffed up, we got bout two and a half inches during
that spell."

This is hyperbole I assure you.

[Ibr8k4vetts]

Do you like chowmein....try this http://www.superlaugh.com/1/chowmein.swf

[CobraDan]

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.
Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.
One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
(H - Husband, W - Wife)
H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
H - "Yes."
W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,000."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
H - "What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $60,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and..I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!!
Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beach front property."
H - "How mu! ch are they asking?"
W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price...
and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000.
OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love you too..."
The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap.
The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision.
The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[bonyhadi]

HOT OFF THE PRESS
Subject: Terrorist in Mexico

Mexico Also a Target

Mexico's intelligence agency uncovered a plot to fly an Aeromexico jet
into the Torre Latina (Latin Tower) in Mexico City on September 11,
sources told La Jornada. According to one source, the Terrorists
failed
to carry out their nefarious deed for a number of reasons. This is the
timeline of events:

Sunday, September 9, 13:25 hrs:

The two terrorists arrive at Benito Juarez Airport. They board a taxi
and head downtown. Taxi cab breaks down two miles from the hotel after
being stuck in traffic for two hours. Terrorists board a second taxi.
The driver turns out to be a "pirata." He takes them to La Neza,
Mexico
City's infamous neighborhood. The taxi driver's cronies assault the
terrorists and steal their luggage. It is presumed that the boxcutters
were re-sold on the black market.

Monday, September 10, 1:23 hrs:

Exhausted, terrorists finally arrive at hotel. Spend the rest of the
morning on the toilet. Witnesses told police they saw the two men
eating
tacos and raspados from a street vender a few blocks away from the
hotel. "We thank Montezuma for his help in this matter," said one
investigator.

Monday, September 10, 21:34 hrs:

Dehydrated but still committed to their mission, terrorists meet with
local contact, who hands them a pair of boxcutters. "Hey!" said one
terrorist. "This is my boxcutter! Look, these are my initials!" Under
questioning by local authorities, local contact claims he bought the
boxcutters from a street vender in La Neza.

Tuesday, September 11, 8:00 hrs:

Terrorists arrive at Benito Juarez Airport. Mexicana and Aeromexico
airline mechanics are on strike. All flights are cancelled or delayed.
Demonstrators block the runways and loot the airport stores.

Tuesday, September 11, 11:35 hrs:

Terrorists finally return to hotel. They decide to blow up the Torre
Latina with dynamite. Local contact finds large sticks of dynamite for
$100,000. Terrorists order wire transfer from Yemen. They never get
their money. Later that day, the money mysteriously appeared in the
bank
manager's briefcase. "We are investigating this matter fully," said
Bancomer president. "But so far our hunch is that we have a hero on
our
hands." Mexican newspapers are reporting that bank manager became
suspicious of the two Arab-looking men and held on to the money. He
says
he tried to call police, but the phones were down. Tel-Mex denies any
wrongdoing, but hailed the managers good sense. The whereabouts of the
money is still unknown.

Tuesday, September 11, 21:56:

Terrorists obtain funds from local thug. They buy the dynamite and
head
for the Torre Latina. They park their rented vehicle outside the Torre
and enter the basement to inspect where to place the dynamite. Upon
returning to the car, they find the windows have been smashed, the
stereo stolen, and the dynamite nowhere in sight. A child appears and
asks terrorists if they would like to buy fireworks for the upcoming
independence festivities. Shows them the dynamite. "That's our
dynamite!" one terrorist exclaims in broken Spanish. Child bursts out
laughing. "Dinamita?" he squeals. "Que Pendejos."

Tuesday, September 11, 23:59 hrs:

Terrorists jump off or are thrown off the balcony of their hotel room.
Local authorities are investigating. One newspaper attributes the
heroic
deed to Super Barrio, the masked defender of the poor. Others suspect
terrorists became so enamored by the warmth and hospitality of the
Mexican people that they could not bring themselves to carry out such
an
atrocious deed. One witness says he heard one of the terrorists shout
in broken Spanish, "Hijos de la chingada!"(*) as he plunged to his
death. Experts in suicide suggest that the terrorist was referring to
his cronies back in Afghanistan.

Wednesday, September 12, 8:00 hrs:

Mexican president assures the Mexican people in a nationally televised
address that his government is prepared to handle any contingency.
"Make
no mistake about it," he said. "Terrorists will not succeed here. Viva
Mexico!"

[CobraDan]

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said: "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

[CobraDan]

A 40-year-old man goes into a drugstore, walks up to the girl at checkout #3, and asks her, "Do you guys sell condoms here?" She says, "Sure — what size are you?" "I don't know" he replies. So she unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves.

Then, a 25-year-old man comes into the store and walks up to checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?" She replies, "Sure — what size do you need?" He says, "Well, I don't know." So she says unzips his pants, takes a couple of tugs, and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves.

Seeing this, a 15-year-old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah...do you sell condoms here?" "Yep," she says. "What size do you need?" "I don't know," he shrugs. So she unzips his pants for a feel, pauses, and says over the intercom, "CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3."

[bonyhadi]

My Groups | Best-Adult-Humor2 Main Page


A mother and daughter loved to play around. They partied everyday
and always ended up ****ing everybody around. Their holes were played
until they became seasoned and loose. One day, the daughter met the man

of her dreams and decided to get married. Now, the man did not know
about their flicks and thought the daughter was still a virgin. So he
decided to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night. The daughter
began to worry about the condition of her hole and consulted her
mother, Mom, I'm worried, what will Peter do if he finds out about my
hole?!!
Mother said, Don't worry dear, I will teach you a way to fool your
husband-to-be. Here's what you do, place an apple in your hole and it
will be tight and he won't even notice it. So the daughter did what her

mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband
didn't even notice.
This went on for a few months. Now, everytime the daughter wanted to
bathe, she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and
after bathing, she would put it back in her hole. One day, after
bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin. The
husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought
that her wife left the apple for him and he ate it, Honey, thanks
for the apple. It tasted great! Shocked, the daughter dare not tell her
husband about it and went to consult her mother, Mom, I'm in deep ****
now! I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it
back and Peter found the apple I left on the wash basin and
ate it! What should I do? Will he be poisoned? I'm scared,
Mother said, Don't worry dear, a few years ago, your father ate the
WATERMELON I left in the washroom and he lived!

[bonyhadi]

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her
mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $150 she
exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money, but I would do ANYTHING to
get a message to my mother in Poland!" The man arched an eyebrow and
asked, "Anything?" "Yes, anything!" the blonde promised.

With that, the man said, "Follow me." He walked into the next room
and ordered, "Come in and close the door." She did. He then said,
"Get on your knees." She did. Then he said, 'Take down my zipper."
She did.
He said, "Go ahead...take it out." She took it out and grabbed hold
of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered,
"Well....go ahead!" The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and
while holding it close to her lips she said loudly, "HELLO....MOM?"

[bonyhadi]

APPLICATION FORM CONSENT FORM SIGNED BEFORE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE

This certifies that, I the undersigned female (hereafter referred to as the
"screwee") about to enjoy sexual intercourse with
___________________________________ (hereafter referred to as the
"screwer"), I am above the lawful age of of consent, I am in my right mind
and I am not under the influence of any narcotic substances.

The aforementioned screwer need not use any force, threats, coercion or
promises to influence me.

Furthermore I, the srewee, am in no fear of him whatsoever, and do not
expect or wish to marry him, I do not know if he is married or not, and I
do not care. I am neither asleep nor drunk, I'm entering this relationship
with him because I love it and want it as much as he does. In the event
wherby I recieve the full satisfaction, which I expect, I declare in
advance the capacity and willingness to further participation as soon as
time permits. In addition, I will not act as a witness against him nor
will I file charges against him should I fall pregnant, contract a sexual
disease or feel that he is violating any legislation, moral, legal or
otherwise.


Signed naked before jumping into bed on this _________ day of the
__________ Month in the year of our Lord 2002.


Signature of screwee: ________________________________ Date of Birth:
_______________________________________ date of conduct:
____________________________________
______________________________________________

[CobraDan]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half
wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open
to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a
warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by
past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and
all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is,
but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick

[CobraDan]

1) That's not right ....................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?........... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP..............................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ..............................Dum Gai
5) Small Horse .............................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ................Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ............Ai Bang Mai Ni
8) I think you need a face lift ............Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here ..................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ...........Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone ................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ..Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight ...................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile .......... Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive ...........Yu Stin Ki Pu

[CobraDan]

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have
two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to
have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them
with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and
your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His
two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The
lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female
parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads
away. Our prayers have been answered!"