Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.
The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?" "Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers.
It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night."
"How about transportation?" the father asked. "I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!

[bonyhadi]

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?" Marilyn
Pittman

"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal
family knew someone in the Royal family?"
Robin Williams

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend
in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad." Christopher Case

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp." Bob Ettinger

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is
attractive, but I have photographs of her."
Ellen DeGeneres

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You
know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I
replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now
I'll have to kill you too."
Jake Johansen

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." Dick
Cavett

"I have such poor vision I can date anybody."
Garry Shandling

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." Rita Rudner

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Kuwait."
Whitney Brown

"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget." Michael
McShane

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and
threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I
said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic?
Do tall people burn slower?"
Warren Hutcherson

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans
were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself
in the head to stop your headache." Jack Mayberry

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other
one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,
they are always locking three." Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
John Mendoza

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." Conan
O'Brien

"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they
would

only play with each other."
Rita Rudner

"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's
why you should never date a baseball player." Marsha Warfield

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three
best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice.* One
day, he took me aside and left me there." Ron Richards

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same
thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" Rita Rudner

"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years
old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter." Drew Carey

"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already
missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
Yakov Smirnoff

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you
should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman

"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and
spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing." Bob Saget

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
'You'll never find
anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should
hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' Larry
Miller

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
Lily
Tomlin


"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
Lynda Montgomery

"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?" John Mendoza

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
accept God's final word on where your lips end."
Jerry Seinfeld

"And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, ****! A
truck!' " Emo Phillips















Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall
when a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over to the other and said, "Cripes! life is boring, we
never have any fun these days. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off
and streak through the flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.

As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his
clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of
the town hall, followed by loud applause.

The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering
crowd.

"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.

"It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for The Best Dried
Arrangement!"
































A man strides into a bar wearing a long trench coat and carrying a
closed box. He walks up to the bar places the box upon it. He then opens
the trench coat, revealing not only that he is buck naked but also very
erect.

He then opens the box and removes a large turtle, at least a good ten
pounds or so in weight. He brings it near his pecker and when it gets in
reach it clamps on to his pecker. He then releases the turtle from his
hands, and it hangs above the stools that line the bar. He walks up the
length of the stools and back again, not saying a word.

When he reaches the point from which he started, he smacks the turtle on
the head, causing it to release his pecker from its grasp. He puts it
back in the box, closes his trench coat, and turns to the rest of the
patrons of the bar.

"I'll give any man who can do that $1000," he says.

Then, from the back of the room, a really scrawny, dorky, feeble looking
guy stands up and says, "I'll do it... as long as you promise not to hit
me on the head when I'm done."






























A man strides into a bar wearing a long trench coat and carrying a
closed box. He walks up to the bar places the box upon it. He then opens
the trench coat, revealing not only that he is buck naked but also very
erect.

He then opens the box and removes a large turtle, at least a good ten
pounds or so in weight. He brings it near his pecker and when it gets in
reach it clamps on to his pecker. He then releases the turtle from his
hands, and it hangs above the stools that line the bar. He walks up the
length of the stools and back again, not saying a word.

When he reaches the point from which he started, he smacks the turtle on
the head, causing it to release his pecker from its grasp. He puts it
back in the box, closes his trench coat, and turns to the rest of the
patrons of the bar.

"I'll give any man who can do that $1000," he says.

Then, from the back of the room, a really scrawny, dorky, feeble looking
guy stands up and says, "I'll do it... as long as you promise not to hit
me on the head when I'm done."

[bonyhadi]

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
--Sue Lin Chong, Washington

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't. --Russell Beland, Springfield

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
-Russell Beland, Springfield

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:
flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T: \flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by
mistake. --Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. --Unknown

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. -Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease. --Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. --Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a
Dr Pepper can. --Wayne Goode, Madison, AL

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
never met. --Russell Beland, Springfield

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of
metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
--Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. --Unknown


He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East
River.
--Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. -- Sandra Hull,
Arlington

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a
while. --Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington

"Oh, Jason, take me! " she panted, her breasts heaving like a college
freshman on $1-a-beer night. --Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something. --John Kammer, Herndon

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell
butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. --Barbara Collier, Garrett
Park

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up. --Susan Reese, Arlington

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever
seen before. --Marian Carlsson, Lexington

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind
her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. --Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of
his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM. --Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan
set on medium. --Unknown

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power
tools. --Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up. --Susan Reese, Arlington

She was as easy as the "TV Guide" crossword. --Tom Witte, Gaithersburg

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH
cleanser. --Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef. --Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. --Jonathan
Paul, Garrett Park

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal
paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. --Sue Lin Chong,
Washington

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the
wall. --Brian Broadus, Charlottesville


























How to deal with those pesky telemarketers
------------------------------------------------
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just
filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say,
"Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell
them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days
seems to care, and I have all these problems; my
arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog
just died..."

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask
them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the
company name. Then ask them where it is located.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions
about their company for as long as necessary

4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi,
my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait
for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are
you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God!
Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give
Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to
figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound
of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they
are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it
until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the
Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice
as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be
my friend

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get
out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN
blood?


9. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask
him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell
them that you could not just give your credit card
number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same
company, they often can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a
Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream,
"Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment
and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME
phone number so you can call him/her back. When the
Telemarketer explains that Telemarketers cannot give
out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want
anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer
will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang
up.

13.Ask them to repeat everything they say, several
times.

14.Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would
please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you
continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly
and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home
incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some
beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up
a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you.
But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any
clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon,
playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously,
Leon, how's your momma?"

19 Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need
to speak up... louder... louder...louder...

20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to
write EVERY WORD down.

[bonyhadi]

New Human Resource Policies

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci
bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need
a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of a sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all of your organs. You should not consider removing anything.
We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The vacation days are as follows: January 1, July 4 & December 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share
of the work is done.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However we require at least two
week's notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future,
we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00AM
to 8:20AM. All employees whose name begins with "B" will go from 8:20AM
to 8:40AM and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it
will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes
again.
In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker.
Both employees supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition there is not a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll

with retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to
get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim
Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all
questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations contemplations, consternations
or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.
The Management

[CobraDan]

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so
he decided to ask his secretary, a blonde, for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University
of Texas. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take
off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."

[CobraDan]

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

[CobraDan]

Dear Friend,

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love,
Grandma

[bonyhadi]

A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when
he notices a stunning redhead sprawled on the ground
unconscious. Kneeling next to the beauty, he
lightly slaps her face. No response. Then he rubs her
wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The
gorgeous woman does not respond. Finally, the guy
takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's blouse,and
slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he
begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts.

The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her
nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.

"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's
hands, still massaging her tits, she goes on. "Tell me,
how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"

"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there
kept shouting, "Rubber balloons ..... Rubber
balloons"














Two lesbians walk into a House of Ill
Repute.

They ask for the youngest woman in
the joint.

The Madam says that she will not allow
the youngest girl any time with them.

The lesbians make the demand again,
"We want the youngest girl here!"

The madam says, "No. I don't serve
minors to lickers."

[Fred Douglass]

BinB, Jamo....

A Scotsman walks into a bar he's been frequenting since he was 12. This would not cause the patrons to notice, but this time he's got a steering wheel projecting from the front of his kilt...
Finally the bartender shouts:
"Och! McLoood, ye gotta sterrin' wheel stickin' ou' oo yer kilt, laddie! Wot gives?"
McLoed responds: "Och! Don't yer t'ink ah noooo? I can't remove it, an' it's been drivin' me nuts for days!"

[CobraDan]

The first divorce directly related to the September 11th terrorist attacks has been filed in New York. It appears a guy with an office on the 103rd floor of the World Trade Centre spent the morning at his girlfriend’s apartment with his phone turned off. He wasn’t watching TV either. When he turned his phone back on at about 11am, it rang immediately. It was his hysterical wife, “Are you OK? Where are you?” He said, “What do you mean? I’m in my office of course!”

[CobraDan]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to
switch with mine for a day.
Amen
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure
enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed
their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at
the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put
away the groceries, paid the bills and balance the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the
laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school
to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then
set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded
the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being
able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

[bonyhadi]

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the
barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and
a shoe shine."

The barber began to lather his face while a woman
with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts
that he had ever seen knelt down and began to
shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should
go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't
like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime
and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
















There was a couple going at it for the first time,
and they were going at it for a while when the guy
asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.

She does and they continue.

A few minutes go by and he asks her again, "open
your legs a little wider".

She does, then he asks again, "a little wider hun".

The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.

Till finally he asks again, "Can you open them just
a little wider?"

So she finally yells "what are you trying to do get
your balls in too?"

He says "no, I'm trying to get them out."











A mother was working in the kitchen listening to
her son playing with his new electric train in
the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying,
'All you sons of *****es who want off, get the
hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop. And all
you sons of *****es who are getting on, get your
arses in the train, 'cause we're going down the
tracks.'

The horrified mother went in and told her son,
'We don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay there for two hours. When you come out, you
may play with your train, but I want you to use
nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom
and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train
stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings
with you. We thank you for riding with us today
and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope
you will ride with us again soon.'

She hears the little boy continue
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to
stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We
hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey
with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added,
'For those of you who are pissed off about the
two-hour delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen.'

[bonyhadi]

Ugly Woman And Supper


Bob has been out on the road for two weeks. He stops at a brothel
outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and
says, "I want your ugliest woman and a peanutbutter sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have
one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." Bob replies, "Listen
sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick!











Big Steak


Rick goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the
table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest
NewYork Strip," he says.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.

"Oh," answers Rick, "she'll order for herself."






















No Your Not


"First," said Bob, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit
loose."

"Oh no you're not," said Linda.

"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."

"Oh no you're not."

"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."

"Oh no you're not."

"Then I'm going to make mad, passionate love to you."

"Oh no you're not."

"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said Bob.

"Oh yes you are!" said Linda.










r


Julie went to the doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new
doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst
out, screaming.

As she ran down the hall, an older doctor stopped and asked her what the
problem was, and she explained what was wrong.

He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched
back to the new doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you?
Mrs.Jones is a 35 year old, she has four children, her husband had a
vasectomy and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"


















A New Medicine


It seems researchers at the University of Michigan Medical school, have
come up with the first marijuana-based medical suppository. The only
drawback so far is that approximately ten minutes after insertion, you
have an overpowering urge to shove a Twinkie up your ass.















Too Young To Die


An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They
were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died
before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the
American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and
nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a
beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing
at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were
all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to
the earth.So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and
the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the
other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the
price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

[CobraDan]

A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in. The Child asks "Mother, where do babies come from?" After thinking about it for a moment the mother says "Well dear....a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex." The child looks puzzled. The Mother continues "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child replys "Oh I see, but the other night when I came into yours and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? "The Mother says "Jewelry, dear."

[bonyhadi]

. Figure it Out!
-----------------------------------
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.
So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was
anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure
your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost
$1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments
for extras."

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a
new sports car!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"









The Honeymoon Is Over...
----------------------------------
"Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?"

"No, but that didn't keep her from talking for two hours."
---------
"Are you saying that your wife is outspoken?"

"Not by anyone I know of."
---------
Being a husband is like any other job. It helps a lot if you like the
boss.
---------
Views expressed by husbands are not necessarily those of the
management.
---------
The honeymoon is over when he no longer smiles gently as he scrapes the
burnt toast.














It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a
busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions,
and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to
loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her
aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first
aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's
pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this
point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get
to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

[bonyhadi]

11 Ways To Treat A Penis

1) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy
Wonderful, i.e., "Hi ! I'm
Shirley ! Nice to meet ya, big guy !". Don't dive
on it likes it's a raw
piece of meat and you're a starving pitbull! Be
gentle. Stroke him nice
and easy. Make friends first.

2) When (Not "IF")giving oral sex, don't suck so
hard that you make an
industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster
and suck the man's
eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a
sensitive "guy" ya know. Be
gentle. Contrary to your practicing techniques in
high school, the one
who "Melts" the popsicle first is not the winner.

3) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too
far forward or back. Up
and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do
move too far forward
and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's
crotch. Mr. Penis isn't
made for that action. And, VERY Important. When
going up and down, if
you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis
pops out, you are not a
basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf
ball...your aim is not
that good, and your 100 + Lbs, and this little
Newton thingy called
gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis

4) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's dick don't
grab it like a bus rail
and start jerking it like you were milking a cow.
Don't use the love
sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to
strengthen the forearms,
and remember ... when friction is the
problem...lubrication is the cure.

5) Proper care of the love Tool - like any good
tool you wanna keep
around for a while you've gotta take good care of
it just as you do your
dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him
gently. Oil him
frequently, and have him park in the garage as
often as you can. Never
bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll get years
of use out of him that way.

6) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just
being coy or stupid.
That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no
response, then you
sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good
for you !

7) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr.
Penis's two friends, Mr.
Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster.
Not even ice or a nude
Pic of Ginette Reno and the Queen Mother playing
chess at the Naturalist
beach last July.

8) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a
tee.

9) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner
worked too hard on
pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too
soon, be proud that
you had that effect on him...not everyone can
have that effect on him.

10) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't
say, "**** ! Not that
deep ! What are you doing . . . drilling for
oil??" Say, "Wow you're
much bigger than I thought. Could you take it a
little easier on me?"
And never never say "Is it in?".

11) When you are done, always thank Mr. Penis.
Mr. Penis has feelings,
and Mr. Ego has bigger feelings. Without both of
them being stroked, Mr.
Ego may make Mr. Penis look for appreciation in
Mr. Neighbors wife.

[CobraDan]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old.
I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".

[bonyhadi]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she
took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was
hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog
could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted
to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store
and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears
once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair"
hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her
"If you're going to use this under your arms don't use
deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs
don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and
if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

[CobraDan]

A man asked his wife, "if you could have anything in the world for one day,
what would you want?"
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they
went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and
her stomach upside down. Off to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate
shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was
it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

[CobraEd]

Freudian Slips


A man was sitting on a bus looking ashamed. The man next to him noticed and asked what the matter was. He said that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable breasts, so he got flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead of Pittsburgh.

The man next to him laughed and said, ''Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidently said, 'You Fuc*ing Bit*h, you ruined my life.'"