Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on. The bathroom is just up the hill. I'll go get some toilet paper."
After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, "What's so funny?" The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her! By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"

[CobraDan]

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. "Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."

[CobraDan]

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.
The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

[CobraDan]

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over
at
his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I
bet
your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and
then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's
bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"

The wife chooses to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some
advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to
fire
up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?".

[CobraDan]

Over the last five years the N.T.S.B. has been covertly
funding a project with U.S. Auto makers whereby the auto
makers have been installing "black boxes" in all four
wheel drive pick-up trucks they have manufactured. This
was to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances
in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised in 42 of the 50 states the last words of the drivers in
61.2% of the fatal crashes were, "OH SH!T!"
Only the states of Arkansas, West Virginia, Georgia,
Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were
different, where over 89.3% of the final words were, "Hold
my beer and watch this."

[CobraDan]

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

[CobraDan]

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car
accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in
Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't
know.
This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer . . . for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married
in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally
returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple,"you
CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering,what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in
Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his
clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest
up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

[CobraDan]

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth, he decides on exactly what he will buy.
He buys a 20 acre plot of land in Mexico and hires an architect. He tells the architect, "I want mi casa to be built right there, with big columns in front, and a marble foyer, and at the end of the hall I want a halo statue."
The architect, excited about making mega bucks off this man, jots down exactly what the Mexican wants," I'll do it sir, I'll make this a fine house for you!"
All the plans are made and the architect starts construction. He searches six different countries to find exquisite columns for the front of the house and has marble shipped in from France to line the foyer. The only problem he has is that he cannot locate a halo statue. Knowing that religious symbols are important to many Mexicans, he continues to search high and low for month after month. The house is finally complete, but alas, the architect was never able to locate a halo statue.
Swallowing his pride for not being able to complete the order, he takes the Mexican to see his new home.
"Si Senor!" exclaims the Mexican. "You got da columns in front of mi casa!" The architect smiles. They enter the house and the Mexican notices the marble floor. "Wonderful! I love mi new marble floor Senor!" states the Mexican.
As he wanders down the hall. He reaches the end of the hall and looks puzzled. "Senor? Where is my halo statue?" asks the Mexican.
"Well, sir, I'm afraid to have to tell you this, but I searched high and low and just could not for the life of me figure out what a halo statue is, much less find one for you anywhere," says the architect, hanging his head in shame.
"What? You don't know what a halo statue is?"
"No, sir, I'm sorry, I do not know," replies the architect.
"You know," says the Mexican, "it's that thing that goes 'ringy dingy' and you pick it up and say, "halo?... statue?"

[CobraDan]

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart a$$ jock leans back in his chair & asks,"what about extreme sexual exhaustion"?
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and
snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, You can write with your other hand

[bonyhadi]

here is my UPS truck bringing new goodies.....

[bonyhadi]

darn, couldn't get the jpeg to post.

[bonyhadi]

Children's Tales NOT - for children

PINOCCHIO
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could
help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing
happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "who needs a girlfriend?"

CINDERELLA
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide
Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and
Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed
to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I
can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter, something or other..."

MICKEY MOUSE
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I
said she's f''g Goofy."

SNOW WHITE
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face sceaming, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

[CobraDan]

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.
"Yeah, my mom has one," the other replied.
"What's it for?"
"I don't know," the second boy answered.
"But every time she stands on it she gets really pissed."

[CobraDan]

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints, received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the f**k do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f**king way.

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh**ting me.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with ...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh**.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh**.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in that project.
INSTEAD OF: Its not my f**king problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f**k?!?!

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: F**k it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f**k cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a**.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh** and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a**.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: F**k it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a**.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another f**king meeting!!!!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a sh**.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a f**king prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball busting b**ch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f**k you're doing.

If you have any questions concerning this memo please contact your department head. They in turn will kiss my butt, and then maybe I will do something.

Ima Reilly-Biggadorke
President and CEO

[CobraDan]

"LOOK MOM"
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout
from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

*************************
TOOTHBRUSH LOGIC

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the
garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom
and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a
charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it
fell in the toilet a few days ago."

*************************
ADVANCE DISCLAIMER

On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."

*************************
BUSY RIGHT NOW!

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to
answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle."

*************************
DEER HUNTING

I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my
family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much, in fact, that one
evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my
ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be
nice if pizzas lived in the woods."

*************************
ZIPPER SECRET

A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said,
"is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you
try to zip it up."
The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why does it have to be a secret?"

*************************
SNOW WHITE

When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for
the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling
apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the
poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple
rolled away, My daughter spoke up. "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin
either."

*************************
NEW & SCARY SIGHT

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement
and then asked, "What's the matter -- haven't you ever seen a little boy
before?"

*************************
CANDLE WISHES

Visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and
her children were awed by the sight. The kids were especially curious about
the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they'd each like to light one.
She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition
or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday
candles.
"Do you have any questions?" she asked.
"No," said the five-year-old, "but if there's a pony outside, it's mine."

*************************
SUNDAY PERFORMANCE

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation. His mother,
sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words
silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's memory was blank.
Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the
world." The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice
said, "My mother is the light of the world."

*************************
A teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old
Testament story, and as she moved around the class, she saw there were many
wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across Johnny who had drawn a
man driving an old car. In the back seat was a scantily-clad man and woman.
"It's a lovely picture," said the teacher, "but which story does it tell?"
Johnny seemed surprised at the question. "Well," he exclaimed, "doesn't it
say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?"

[Gordon Claunch]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in
front of his office, ready to show it off to his
colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and
completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The
lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911,
and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions,
the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus,
which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no
matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and
raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and
disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you
lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your
possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is
missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off
when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

[Stan Brown]

1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.

2. Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

4. What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
They drowned in Spring Training.

5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

6. How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow stepped on her.

7. How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for French fries.

8. Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to amuse.

9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
Frosted flakes.

10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
They keep breaking them with the hammer.

11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow in the air? She missed.

12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear? Data transfer.

13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?
She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.

15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs? She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

16. Why are the Chinese so smart?
No blondes.

[CobraDan]

After spending fifteen sexually starved years in an asylum, an inmate escapes.
The first female he runs across is a washer-woman hanging up the institution's laundry to dry.
He takes her, satisfies his urges and dashes on to freedom.
The local newspaper ran the following headline:
"NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS"

[CobraDan]

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.
One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.
Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"
"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down.
The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"

[RTTAB]

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