Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

~~~Women Vs. Handgun ~~~
Reasons why a handgun is better than a woman:
You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
You can trade a .44 for two .22's.
You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.
If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few
rounds with it.
Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.
A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
Handguns function normally every day of the month.
A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"
A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.
You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.
A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger is.
A handgun won't tell all of its friends if you are a "little fast on the trigger"...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
The current scandals over how large companies have been cooking thebooks reminds me of a
basic accounting course I took years ago. The professor was explaining an accounting method
called First In Last Out, which is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff.
It explains why the oil industry, for example, reported huge profits during the 1970's when the
oil shortage occured. They stopped buying oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had been
purchased in the 1930's at 20¢ a barrel. They, of course, sold it at current marketprices, which
accounted for their huge profits. One of the students put up his hand and said, "Excuse me, Sir,
but that doesn't sound very ethical to me."
The professor replied, "You're in the wrong class, Son, this is Accounting 101.
Ethics 101 is two doors down the hall, on the left."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pets View of Human Sex
Dog: "Oh, God, not again. Let's turn the hose on them."
Dog: "Great, there goes the urge to drink out of the toilet."
Cat: "Y'know, if I didn't have a tail, I'd try that."
Dog: "I've heard about that position -- it's called 'human style.'"
Sheep: "It's just a phase. He'll be back."
Dog: "How strange -- why would you want someone else to lick it for you?"
Rabbits: "Amateurs!"
Dog: "Geez, they have to look at each other's *faces* while they're doing that??"
Dog: "Let's hop on and make it a conga line!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, Which human body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th
graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents,and they will go and tell the principal,
who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times
its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big
trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked
around nervously,and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is
the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, As for you, young lady, I
have three things to say:
1) you have a dirty little mind,
2) you didn't read your homework
3) one day youare going to be very, very disappointed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cynics Guide To Life
*Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire
drill.
*Always take time to stop and smell the roses...and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
*If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a
good mooning.
*Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the
salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and
the"whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
*Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
*This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.That's the price you pay
for letting the relatives stay over.
*It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
*Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off,and when it isn't... you
can't wait to throw up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
You Know You're From Louisiana...
When out of town, you stop and ask someone where there is a drive-thru daiquiri place, and
they look at you like you have three heads...
The crawdad mounds in your front yard have overtaken the grass...
Every so often, you have waterfront property...
You learned to drive a boat before you could drive a car...
You know the meaning of a "Delcambre Reeboks" (That would be a pair of all white fishing
boots)...
You can name all of your 3rd cousins...
Your burial plot is six feet over rather than six feet under...
When you refer to a geographical location "way up North", you are referring to places like
Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold"!..
You're not afraid when someone wants to "ax you something"...
You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house....
The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy"dressed" is healthier
than a Caesar salad...
The smell of a crawfish boil turns you on more than HBO...
You don't realize until high school what a "county" is...
You can eat Popeye's, Haydel's and Zapp's for lunch and wash it down with Barq's and several
Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop...
You have a ditch on at least one side of your property...
You like your rice and politics dirty...
You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Newawlins"...
You know when it's appropriate to use "Tony Chachere's"...
When you're in Baton Rouge you know the difference between the old bridge& the new
bridge...
Your last name isn't pronouned the way it's spelled.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
you're in cajun country when...

Your glasses fog up when you step outside...
You were in high school before you realized that Catholic and Public were not the two major
religions...
You will eat foods that are purple, green & gold...
Your baby's first words are "boudin"..
You're at Mardi Gras when it starts to rain and you cover your drink rather than your head...
You take Community Coffee & Tabasco with you on vacation...
You are not alarmed at finding plastic dolls in your pastry...
You eat cracklins for breakfast...
All the people in public office are known as "Dud, Moon, Cat, Duffy, or Dutch."..
You keep newspapers not for recycling but for tablecloths at crawfish boils...
You know that the best doughnuts are square and have no holes...
You exhibit "doubloon reflex" by stomping on a runaway quarter with your foot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WWIII
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't
that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them,"
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits.The
guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits? Bush turns to Powell,
punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about
the 140 million Iraqis!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't Ask...Don't Tell
Morris staggered into the house at two o'clock in the morning. As he entered his bedroom, he
found another man in bed with his wife.
Sherry, his wife pushed the man off her and demanded to know where Morris had been until
two o'clock in the morning.
Morris looked at his wife's lover and demanded, "Who in the hell is this guy, and what is he
doing in bed with you?"
The wife responded, "Don't go changing the subject! Where in the hell have you been so late?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

DRAGNET: Tom Van Lokeren, 47, knew who had stolen two of his credit cards, but police in San Francisco,
Calif., refused to arrest the suspect. So Van Lokeren bought a fishing net at Fisherman's Wharf, plus a can of
pepper spray and a stun gun at a military surplus store, and arrested the suspect himself. "I ran up after him,
and I stunned him on
*the shoulder, then I used the pepper spray. But, in all the ruckus, I ended up dropping the net. I never used
it." The police finally took it from there, booking James Timothy Stevens, 21, on two counts of theft.* Officers
are too busy with emergencies to deal with "property crimes," said Police Capt. James L. Dudley, explaining
the department's initial
*refusal to help. "It's not a life-threatening situation." Police, he added, "certainly don't encourage the public
to make their own arrest.* That's our job." (San Francisco Chronicle) ...The sad thing is, he doesn't even
notice any irony in there.

AIRLINE INSECURITY: A week after a pilot and a co-pilot for America West Airlines were arrested for trying to
fly an airliner drunk, a passenger boarding an America West flight from San Francisco, Calif., to Tucson,
Ariz., asked flight attendants if they had "checked the crew for sobriety." The attendants took immediate
action: they threw her off the
plane. "Safety is no joking matter," explained America West spokeswoman Patty Nowack. "While this
passenger may have been joking it is difficult to determine if someone is joking or serious. We take any
comment regarding safety seriously." (Reuters) ...Passenger warning: Anyone who considers a serious,
rational question a "joking threat to
safety" may be drunk

DRINKING, NOT THINKING: Craig Anthony Gribben, 27, was trying to get into his car, but the key broke off in the
lock. He asked the police in Tauranga, New Zealand, for help. The officer was a tad suspicious when he noticed
Gribben wasn't wearing any pants. A check of the car Gribben was trying to get into revealed it wasn't his -- it
belonged to a local police officer. He was arrested. Gribben's lawyer later explained that his client was simply "very
drunk" and thought the car was his.* (Hawke's Bay Today) ...It could have been worse: if it was his car the cops would
have gotten him for drunk driving.

DRINKING, NOT THINKING II: Sheriff's deputies in Gainesville, Fla., responded to a car alarm after a 911 caller said
there was a man locked inside the car trying to kick his way out through a window. Deputies arrived to find David
Christopher Lander, 51, "trying to hide, all scrunched down in the back seat," a sheriff's spokesman said. The car's
alarm system automatically locked the doors when it was activated. "I guess he thought deputies couldn't see him.
Had he pushed the button on the driver's side door, he could have gotten out." Witnesses said Lander reeked of
alcohol. He was arrested and charged with burglary and, since some of the car's contents were in his pockets, theft.
(Gainesville Sun) ...Look at that! The first time a cop ever responded to a car alarm, and he got a collar!



THERE WAS STILL ANOTHER fire last week, this time right in Boulder. Being interested in how stupid people
can be, you'll appreciate this: a helicopter dropping water on the fire had to ask the police to clear people
from around the lake he was dipping water out of because so many people were gathered around to watch it
was getting dangerous. (Duh!)
If that wasn't bad enough, another officer was dispatched out to have a talk with a paraglider who was trying
to get a close look at the fire! If that wasn't bad enough, he was in the way -- of a tanker plane!* I am
continuously amazed at how stupid people can be.

DRIVEN: "Cops: Man Steals Car to Get to Car Theft Hearing" -- Jersey City Journal headline
*











Rev. Jesse Jackson walked into the appliance section of a Sears Roebuck store. He
looked around then shouted, " I want to see the manager right now!"

The manager of the department came out and said, "How can I help you Reverend?"

Jesse replied, "I want to know why all of your washing machines are WHITE?"

The manager immediately flipped open all the lids of the washing machines and
said: "Reverend Jackson, yes, all of our washing are white but if you look inside,
you'll find that all of the Agitators are Black."
USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who
accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the
wives of
businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"





An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for
the night. "You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said. "Disgusting," said the old lady.
"It was revolting," her husband added. "Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks. "We had to wait until
you turned up the house lights," the old lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!"





Sign above the scale in a doctor's office:
Pretend it's your IQ

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a
long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.

The next time you feel like complaining,
remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in
this world.






Great internet sites....
Dog Dolls
Artist Lisa Pay makes dolls with dogs heads.
They are disturbing and made us flinch -
although they are meant to be cute.
http://www.pedigreesroyal.com/Dollydogs.htm

Penis Gallery
Satoki Nishida is a Japanese artist who takes
photos of his penis dressed in dolls costumes.
Some of them are in dresses and they actually
look quite sweet. (he could've put a face on it!)
http://makeashorterlink.com/?E40D243D

Rate my Implants
The rate my x trend continues with this
variation where you can look at women's breast implants and vote whether the surgeon has done a convincing job.
BTW: a quick search on netcraft domain monitoring site shows that there are 425 ratemy sites registered.
http://www.ratemyimplants.com

Jet Powered Beer Cooler
Beer loving Kiwi Simon Jansen has built a beer cooler powered with a jet engine. The photos
are great. Sadly this cooler doesn't fit into the back of his new car and he wants you to give him a spare turbo -
if you have one.
http://www.asciimation.co.nz/beer/

[bonyhadi]

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and
suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves
otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work,
following is the 2002 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these
definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.




ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a
stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is
similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an
escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.


JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic.
Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the
awkwardness of what just occurred.


COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits
the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the
amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid
being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.


WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up
the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.



OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an
Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine undertheir arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before
entering the bathroom.



SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce
the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.



TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the
door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar
leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in
a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd
Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.



ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are
occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an
Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.


WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also
an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water.
Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.


UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes
it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load
when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom
attendees.

[bonyhadi]

Observations in Life

1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said, "Implants?"

5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.

6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and butthead's.

14. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

15. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

16. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

17. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

18. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

19. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?


20. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
``````````````````````````````````````````````````
***Remember***
A peach is a peach,
A plum is a plum,
A kiss isn't a kiss without some tongue.
So, open your mouth, close your eyes,
And give your tongue some exercise!
================================================== ===========
When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes
him so sexy.

When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to
see who's the handsome dude behind him.

But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped.
================================================== ===========
Did you hear about the new Jewish game show?
The Price Is Too Much.
================================================== ===========
For Michael's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration she decided to
strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.

Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at
work. He walks through the kitchen, places his lunch box down, and hears his wife say, "Honey! I'm in the living room."

Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic.
After a quick peek, he immediately says, "Leftovers again!"
================================================== ===========
A little girl is walking along in the park when she comes across 3
little dogs sitting there she bends down to stroke the first dog and
says "How are you today little doggy"
To her utmost surprise the dog answers "I am very happy and contented, and have been going in and out of puddles all day"
The girl then turns to the second dog and says " How are you today little doggy"
The dog answers " I am very happy and contented, and have been going in and out of puddles all day"
The girl then turns to the third dog and say "Little doggy you don't
look as happy and contented as the other two, why would this be" At this the third dog answers "because my name is Puddles"
================================================== ====
Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system. Beware of...

1. THE ALGORE Virus....
(Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)
>
2. THE CLINTON Virus....
(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
>
3. THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
>
4. THE LEWINSKY virus...
(Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
then Emails everyone about what it did)
>
5. THE RONALD REAGAN virus....
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
>
6. THE MIKE TYSON virus....
(Quits after two bytes)
>
7. THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....
(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb,
then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)
>
8. THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...
(Deletes all old files)
>
9. THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...
(Disks can no longer be inserted)
>
10. THE PROZAC virus...
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your Processor doesn't care)
>
11. THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus....
(Only attacks minor files)
>
12. THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back) -
>
13. THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,
then discards it through Windows
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
What is the similarity between a shrimp and a man?
You can enjoy all but the head.

What is the similarity between a dolphin and a man?
They are both said to be intelligent, but no one can prove this.

What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man?
They both get hot in 15 seconds.

Why are men men and rats rats?
Because rats had first choice.

Why can't a man be both handsome and intelligent?
Because that would make him a woman.

Why is a man's brain the size of a peanut?
Because it is swollen.

Why are batteries better than men?
Batteries have at least one positive end.

Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask for directions.

Why are men like the letter Q?
A big zero with a small tail....

Why do women not get married as often these days?
Because they would rather have bacon in the fridge than a pig in the living room.

What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?
They go forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards, stop and eject.

Why is the male intelligence worth more than the female?
It is rarer.

Why do men marry virgins?
They cannot handle the criticism.

Why do men exist?
Who else is going to mow the lawn.

What do you call an attractive intelligent and sensitive man.
A rumor.

What do you never want to hear while having good sex?
Honey, I am home!

Why don't men go through menopause?
They never left puberty.

How do you know that a man is lying?
His lips are moving.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in
his stomach.

She commented, "I don't think that's going to help."

"Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Ten Most Important Things"
1- LOVE: The special feeling that makes you feel all warm and wonderful.
2- RESPECT: Treating others as well as you would like to be treated.
3- APPRECIATION: To be grateful for all the good things that life has to offer.
4- HAPPINESS: The full enjoyment of each moment. A smiling face!
5- FORGIVENESS: The ability to let things be without anger.
6- SHARING: The joy of giving without thought of receiving.
7- HONESTY: The quality of always telling the truth.
8- INTEGRITY: The purity of doing what's right, no matter what.
9- COMPASSION: The essence of feeling another's pain, while easingtheir hurt.
10- PEACE: The reward for living the 10 Most Important Things.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SHE SAID HE SAID
Wife: Scientists claim that the average person speaks ten thousand words a day.
Husband: Yes, dear, but remember you are far above average.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
CATS ARE BETTER THAN MEN BECAUSE...

A Cat Always Hits the Literbox

Better chance of training a cat

No matter what your cat drags into your house, you don't have to pretend to like it

You never have to spend time with your cat's mother

If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you.

A Cat purrs when you serve him dinner.

You can de-claw a cat... Try to get a guy to clip his toenails.

It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.

You don't have to worry about your cat turning into a pig when you host a party

A cat knows you're the key to his happiness... a man thinks he is.

If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

.....Sacramento Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian
determined
the problem.

The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed LNP aka Pat Buckley , a South African lad. Pat,
like most South Africans, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.

So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Pat was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to
have sex
with the gorilla for $500? Pat showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Pat announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions:

"First, mate," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her."



"Second, you must never tell anyone about this."


The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.


"Well," said Pat, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the S500

[bonyhadi]

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the
wife's hot ***** lips an enters. Naturally enough, she panics.
The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put her shirt on, pull up his
shorts and carries her to the car. Then makes a mad dash to the doctor.
The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in an
cant be removed with forceps, the doctor explains to the husband that he'll
have to try and entice it out, by putting honey on his dick, and withdrawing
as soon as he feels the wasp. So the husband puts honey on his dick, but
because of his wife's screaming, general panic, and his frantic dash to the
doctors he just can't get it up.! So the doctor says "I'll perform the
procedure if your wife an you don't object.
Naturally both agree, for fear the wasp will do damage, so the doctor quickly
undresses, smears honey on his cock and instantly gets an erection.
Slowly he begins to enter the wife. then withdrawl, an then again, an again,
and again. Only, he doesn't stop.!!! But continues to deeply **** her hot
***** endlessly.
In a daze, the husband shouts, "What the Hell is going on?".
The doctor replies, "Change of plans, I'm going to drown the little
bastard!"
==================================================
Have you ever wondered which hurts the most; saying something and wishing you
had not, or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important
things are the hardest things to say. Don't be afraid to tell someone you
love them. If you do, they might break your heart... but if you don't, you
might break theirs. Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you
were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person? Your heart
decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't. You can't tell your heart what to
do. It does it on its own....
when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to.
Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other
person was too afraid to let you? Too many of us stay walled because we are
too afraid to care too
much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or at all.
Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection
was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are afraid.... afraid of what we
don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found
out about us. But every time we tell a lie.... the thing we fear grows
stronger.
Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who
has to look back and wonder what they would have, or could have had. No one
waits forever...
WHAT WOULD YOU DO...
What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say
good-bye?
What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there?
What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have
them?
Some people love, and some people die. But I want to tell you that if
something happened to me tomorrow, you would be in my heart. Would I be in
yours?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the ..

Paper company that folded?
Brake company on the skids?
Bra manufacturers that went bust?
Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?
Cigarette company that went up in smoke?
Baker who was short of dough?
Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen?
Corset firm that felt the squeeze?
Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?
Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?
Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?
Downfall of the bungee suppliers?
The train company that went off the rails?
The ship building company that sunk?
The dental practice that was rotten to it's roots?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
1. What do Jell-O and a woman have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.

2. What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

3. What do women and condoms have in common?
They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.

4. What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
Odor eaters.

5. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A Lickalotopuss.

6. Why do men name their penis?
They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most
of their decisions.

7. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs.

8. What does a rooster have that a man wants?
A hard pecker.

9. What kind of bees give milk?
Boo bees.

10. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
Speed bumps.

11. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

12. Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven?
If it were more, it would be Hell.

13. What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

14. What is the new gay Internet address?
c: enter

15. What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
They're right! We do taste like chicken!

16. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
The balls are just for decoration.

17. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat ME!

18. Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning?
They have no balls to scratch

19. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather ... kinky is using the whole chicken.

20. What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
About three inches.

21. How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.

22. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A Megasorass.

23. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One..Men will screw anything.

24. What do Michael Jackson and a grocery bag have in common?
They are both made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with.

25. What is the mating call of a blonde?
"I'm sooooo drunk!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
The Top 16 Signs Your Grandmother Is Dealing Drugs


16> Clears kids off the lawn with an AK-47.

15> When she offers you a home-baked cookie, she says, "Go
ahead, honey -- the first one's free."

14> Not only is that cozy she's knitting shaped like a bong,
it's black-light orange.

13> When she says "d-bag," she ain't talkin' feminine hygiene.

12> Frequently takes afternoon tea with Darryl Strawberry and
Robert Downey, Jr.

11> She roughs up the pharmacist, snarling that her Metamucil
was "stepped on."

10> "My, what a lot of rolling papers you have, Grandma!"
"Yes, my dear, the better to -- hey, wait a minute...are you a narc?"

9> Threatens to pop a cap in your ass if you don't finish your vegetables.

8> Every teaspoon in her precious antique collection has scorch marks on the
bottom.

7> Spends her days hangin' on the corner by the pay phone,
sippin' on a 40 of Ensure.

6> Most grandmothers drive with their turn signals on, but
not in a lime-green Lincoln Navigator with tinted windows,
24-karat gold trim and slammin' subwoofers.

5> Constantly complains about her health -- still no glaucoma, dammit!

4> Nana's got some serious bling-bling goin' on with those=20
solid gold MedicAlert bracelets.

3> She pulls a gun on you whenever you reach for the cookie
jar.

2> Last time she made brownies, you woke up three days later
in the baboon enclosure at the San Diego Zoo.

#1 Reason your Grandmother Is Dealing Drugs...

1> The local cops are arresting everyone with lipstick on
their cheeks.

[CobraDan]

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QUANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P stands for the Problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the Corrective Action taken by the mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

[CobraDan]

One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm.
So the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?" "The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl. "Very good!" said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl,
"What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?" "Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day." "Very good!" exclaimed the farmer.
Then he asks little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"
"Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you milk them."

[bonyhadi]

"The day is coming when millions of callers to
their stock mutual funds' toll-free numbers are
going to receive this message, or its equivalent.
"Thank you for calling. Goodbye." If you think
this can't happen, call this number:

1-800-397-1193

I'm not sure why this number exists, but its
recorded message is a herald of things to come.
When today's stock market hold-outs finally
decide to sell, they had better hope they don't
get this recording."




You live in California when ...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell
phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
6. Someone asks you how far away something is, you tell them how long
it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in New York when.

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multilingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You live in Alaska (or Yellowknife) when . . .
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.


You live in the Deep South when . . .
1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.
2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After fifteen years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are
ya?"
4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names.

You live in Colorado when . . .
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and
he stops at the Day Care Center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when . . .
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was
different! "

You live in Florida when...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and
cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
IN THE 21ST CENTURY
In an apparent copycat terrorist act, a Polish terrorist, Stanley Bin
Ladinsky, hijacked a Goodyear blimp. So far he has bounced off of five
buildings.

~~~ Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for a
while... it isn't so hot.

~~~ I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and
think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'

~~~ If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't
tell who the sucker is----> it's you.

~~~ Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

~~~ I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't
have paid for me.

~~~ Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to.

~~~ According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about
a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is
they're a bunch of liars.

~~~ Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

~~~ All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

~~~ Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

~~~ In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take prozac to make it normal.

~~~ Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

----- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a barbecue?

~~~ Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an
appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

~~~ You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but
they hang around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and
these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little
woman."
"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"?
"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel !!!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall
building. Suddenly, the officer notices that
one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"
The blonde answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..."

[bonyhadi]

Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and
Lebanon)

Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe
levels.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.















The Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning,
addressing his congregation, vehement that alcohol was the
work of the devil. "As an example," he stated during his sermon,
"If you were to lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of
whiskey, from which would he drink?"

A grizzled old Mick at the back of the church spoke up: "Aye,
Father, for sure he'd drink from the water."

The priest, elated, said, "Very good, my son. And can you
tell me WHY he'd drink from the water?"

The Irishman at the back of the church replied, "Sure I can
tell ye' why, Father. Because he's an ass."

[bonyhadi]

direct from LONDON... stats of daily living....things you need (or do you?)///


1. During an hours swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine.

2. In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)

3. An average persons yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

4. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects -while you slept!

5. Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

6. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

7. In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

8. At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

9. Daily you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.

10. Sharing a bag of crisps with a firend gives you a 10% chance of ingesting a small amount of their faeces.

[bonyhadi]

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before
they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
Gents, wise words from our brethren who have gone before us. Please take
notes!

Man's five most feared questions:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly
(i.e. tells the
truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below
along with possible responses.

Question 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a
bit pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to
have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,
which most likely is one of the following:

a. Nothing
b. Football
c. Jennifer Lopez
d. How fat you are
e. How would I spend the insurance money if you died

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy,
who once told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be
talking to you."

Question 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer
is necessary: "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh yeah, sh*t loads
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love
d. Does it matter
e. Who, me?

Question 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.

Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define "pretty"
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.

Question 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a Ferrari and
a boat".)

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of
follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.

WOMAN: ...silence...
MAN: Sh*t.














The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls
your name . . . and they say golf is a quiet game." --
Anonymous

-------------------------------------

How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?

The kid stutters.

-------------------------------------

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein

[bonyhadi]

Home is where you lay your hat . . . and a few close intimate friends : )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Gynecologist says to a Lesbian
"You have the cleanest ***** I've ever seen."
The Lesbian replies,

"I should have, I have a woman in twice a week!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

TOILET PAPER FACTS

You can gauge a person's education by whether they
read in the bathroom.

More than 2/3 of the people with a master's degree
and doctorates read in the stall.

Only one in two high school grads read while in the
bathroom, and 56 percent of those with college degrees do.

Fifty four percent of Americans fold their toilet
tissue neatly while 35 percent wad it into a ball
before using it.

Seven percent steal rolls of toilet paper (hotels/motels)

More than sixty percent prefer that their toilet
paper roll over the top, twenty nine percent from the
bottom. The rest don't care.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marriage
A word that should be pronounced as "mirage"
Adultery
Putting yourself in someone else's position
Honeymoon salad
Lettuce alone w/o dressing
A smart Husband
One who thinks twice before saying nothing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife woke up from her night's sleep and began telling her dream to her husband.
"I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks in this place," she began,
"the big ones went for a ten and the thick ones went for 20."

"How about the ones like mine?" asked her husband.
"Those they gave away," she replied with sarcasm.

"I had a dream too," started the husband. "I dreamt they were auctioning off rear ends.
The round ones went for a 1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!"

"And how much for the ones like mine?" asked the wife.
"That's where they held the auction," he replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you heard of the new book entitled
"1001 Sex Secrets Men Should Know?"
It contains comments from 1001 different women
on how men can be better in bed.

I think that women would actually settle for three ...

Slow down
Turn off the TV
and
Call out the right name
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you have dreams about Homosexuality

If the dreamer is heterosexual, dreams of this nature suggest a period of basic insecurity in relations with the opposite sex.
Homosexual dreams by heterosexuals may represent secret
fears/anxieties about masculine/feminine aspects or your personality..
Dreams of homosexual encounters, or of being accused of being a
homosexual, are common for expectant fathers.
If occurring in dreams prior to an upcoming wedding, anxiety about your changing situation may be expressed as a fantasy alternative.

Lastly it may be guilt about sexual feelings.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~



Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any group

of mammals that exist ~ especially fruit bats.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Japanese whore showed affection
To powerful men with direction
Once while he was lovin' er
She said to the governor
"I'm working for your re-erection!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

NEW VIRUS
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do
not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty. It will not only
erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on
disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on all your credit cards. It reprograms your
ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace
field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
If you drive a Ford, it will start missing like a Chevy. It will program
your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.
For god's sake, are you listening?
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting
company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with
Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing
your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things
in a way that is only fun when someone loses an eye.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to
passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings that grossly
change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it
will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in
dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the
forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill
your skim milk with whole milk.
PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN!
If you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard
that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you,
sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
*******Please Send, send, send, send, and send!********
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom saying to
himself, "How can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely
stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we dated, but she's bound to find out sooner or
later."
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "How do I tell my husband that I've
got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as
soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out."
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the
bedroom. He walks over to the bed, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to
hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOT HI-JACKER

A cargo plane is in mid-flight way out over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a
startled pilot, co-pilot, navigator, and stewardess.

He holds his gun at the pilot's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place!"

The pilot calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll
die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks about this and then holds the gun at the copilot's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill HIS brains
all over the place."

But the co-pilot also calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at
the shock of my being killed like that. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks about this for a moment and then holds the gun at the navigator's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna
spill HIS brains all over the place."

But the navigator calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense
of
direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Cuba. So if you shoot me, this plane will still
crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks some more, shrugs and this time holds the gun at the stewardess's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba
or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."

No one says a word but the stewardess leans over and whispers something into the hijacker's ear. The hijacker turns beet red, drops his
gun, and runs out of the cockpit in a panic.

Later after the crew has tracked down the hijacker (whom they found cowering behind some crates in the hold) and tied him up, the pilot
asks
the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so. "I told him, sir, that if he killed me, HE would be the one who'd have to give you guys
your blowjobs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John comes home in the middle of the day, finds his wife Jill standingin the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, 7-inch spike heels, and the
whole apartment is flooded.
"What happened here?" John asks.
"I think the waterbed burst," says the trembling Jill. Just then a naked guy floats by.
"Who's that?" demands John.
Jill replies demurely, "I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce.
"A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"
"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.
"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"
"My husband is eighty-seven."
"My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"
"Next September will be sixty-two years."
"Married sixty-two years? Why would you want a divorce now?"
"Because," the old woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."

[bonyhadi]

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay
there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird
singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug
him out and ate him!

The morals of this story:

1 - Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy.

2 - Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.

3 - And when you’re in deep doo-doo, keep your mouth shut.






A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one
but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his
town has been at it.

Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from
the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then
sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After
many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the
monastery and marries her.

After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the
bedroomA man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one
but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his
town has been at it.

Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from
the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then
sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After
many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the
monastery and marries her.

After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the
bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie
down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.

"Why the jelly?" she asks him.

"So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking,"
he replies.

"Well, why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?"

where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie
down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.

"Why the jelly?" she asks him.

"So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking,"
he replies.

"Well, why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?"










1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.

4. It is important that these three women never meet.

[bonyhadi]

A rooster is walking along one day when he comes to a riverbank with a big bag of cat food beside it. Uninterested in the bag,
he looks over to the other side and
sees a huge bag of chicken feed which instantly makes his mouth water. Beside the bag of feed is a small cat that is hungrily
eyeing the cat food on his side.

The two look at each other and wonder what to do. The rooster says, "I know, if we run & jump high enough we should be able to
make it to the other side."

The cat responds "OK, let's give it a try"

The rooster heads back about 15 feet, makes a run for it and jumps as high as he can. He flaps his wings like crazy and just
makes it to the the bag and starts
devouring the chicken feed.

The cat, now more motivated than ever, heads back about 20 feet and makes a run for it. He jumps, and SPLASH! He lands right in
the middle of the river.


The Moral of the Story: For every satisfied cock, there's a wet *****!

[bonyhadi]

SEX AND YOUR FIRST NAME:

According to studies, your sexual identity is revealed by the first
letter
of your first name... what do you think? (Those of you with names that
start with "N" will probably wish it started with"K"!)

-A-

You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You

mean business. With you, what you see is what you get.You have no
patience
for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy,

cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an upfront person. When it
comes
to sex, it's action that counts not obscure hints.Your mate's physical
attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenges of

the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being
much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around
advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary
concern.

-B-

You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined,
and
dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression often
affection
of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate.

You are private in your expression of endearments and particularly when
it
comes to love making. You will hold off until everything meets with your

approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be.

You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to
experiment.

-C-

You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a
relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able
to
talk to your sex partner before, during, and after.You want the object
of
your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You see your
lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual,
needing
someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be
achieved,
you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You

are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.

-D-

Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full
steam
ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are
nurturing
and caring If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly
sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes
possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are
stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open.

-E-

Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you
have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or
you
are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a
companion
for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a
good
argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot,
for
the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once
you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you
don't
have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good
book. (Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.)

-F-

You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You
look
for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once
committed,
you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate.
Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are a
romantic.Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can
be
a very generous lover.

-G-

You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover.
You
respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one
who
can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak
of
erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be
extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time. Your duties
and
responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have
difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting
close sexually.

-H-

You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You

will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment.

Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the
commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating
habits and equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a
sensual
and patient lover.

-I-

You have a great need to be loved, appreciated...Even worshipped. You
enjoy
luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who
know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless
that
amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your
desires
satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual
expression. You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and
change.
You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright
lustful.

-J-

You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a
partner
is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of
love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual
experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn
you
on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating,
otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You
require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being
appreciated.

-K-

You are totally ****ing marvelous!

[bonyhadi]

continued.....


-L-

You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love
means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who
have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's savior. You are
sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in
love.You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not

tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.

-M-

You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you
throw
your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred.

You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and
intense. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try
anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is in exhaustible.

You also enjoy mothering your mate.

-N-

You are crap in bed.

-O-

You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about

your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making
money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of
celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring
the
same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand
intensity diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone.
Sometimes
your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.

-P-

You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of
doing
anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count,
therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an
intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your
enemy;
a good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of
sexual
hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing
things.
You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal
of
physical
gratification.

-Q-

You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous
physical
energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or
otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be
attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and

flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.

-R-

You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who
can
keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter the
better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great
body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You
have
to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not

beg, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a

very demanding playmate.

-S-

You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual,
and
passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will

this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the
nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the
trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very
seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the
right person to come along.

-T-

You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a
partner
who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you
on.
You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When
in
love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You
enjoy
having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased.

You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams,
often times all in your own head.

-U-

You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you
are
in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance
as
a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and
freedom.
You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy
seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire
instant gratification. You are willing to put;your partner's pleasures
above your own.

-V-

You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement.
You
wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing
someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to
see
what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there
is
an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger,
thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you
yourself
may not be a participant.

-W-

You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer
when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic,
and
often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as she or she
really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your
relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing
love
games.

-X-

You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle
more
than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind.

You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs,
all
by yourself, in your own head.

-Y-

You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your

way, you will forgo the whole thing. You want to control your
relationships,which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to
physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching,
feeling and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money,

you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to
prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want
feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic
bedmate.

-Z-

For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in anyway bothered
by
career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and
get
into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are
capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions.

You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away and
your
body, for that matter. Once you
make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.

[CobraDan]

The sales girl at the Pink Pu$$ycat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.
"What are you going to use it for?" she asked.
"None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and thoroughly offended.
"Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl."
The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax."

[CobraDan]

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his Volvo to an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is, "Top o' the morning. "
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So, what are those, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Volvo think of everything"