Joke of the Day... - Page 93

Art Burtt · #1 (**permalink**) 08-23-2003, 08:55 AM

An elderly man goes into th Social Security Office to apply for benefits. The woman behind the counter asks for his driver license
as proof of his age. He reaches in his pocket for his wallet and realizes he's left it at home. I'll have to come back he tells her. She says open your shirt,he does, and she says, the gray hair on your chest is proof enough and she processes his claim. He goes home and tells his wife what happened. She says, you should have dropped your pants you might have gotten disability too!

KobraKarl · #2 (**permalink**) 09-12-2003, 06:10 PM

Two families move from Iraq to America. When they arrive, the
fathers make each other a bet -- in a year's time, whichever family has
become more American will win.

A year later when they meet again the first guy says, "My
son's playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to
pick up a case of Bud for tonight. How about you?"

The second guy says, "phuck you, towel-head!

BMK · #3 (**permalink**) 09-13-2003, 03:37 AM

An Australian and an American businessman meet in a hotel bar for a drink after a long day at a conference.

I'll have a Bud the American tells the waiter.

I'll have a lemonade orders the Aussie.

Hey the American says how come you are drinking lemonade.

Well if your not drinking beer the Aussie replies I thought that I better follow.

Fosters lives on

valpodoc · #4 (**permalink**) 10-03-2003, 08:14 PM

Enjoy...Roland

valpodoc · #5 (**permalink**) 10-03-2003, 08:15 PM

Sorry it's supposed to say "cause of the Blackout found"
Roland

bmercer · #6 (**permalink**) 10-16-2003, 05:49 AM

Walking into the bar, Henry said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie
I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Henry replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you chicken**** "

Fred Douglass · #7 (**permalink**) 10-16-2003, 09:00 PM

....it seems that the animal-trainer at the Ringling Bros. Circus had two village idiots as assistants. He employed them primarily to clean out the cages and holding-pens. They were constantly bugging him to let them ride a camel. When the circus came into a town, there was always a parade with elephants, camels and horses. The head trainer finally relented and gave the idiots the oldest and most docile camel to ride.

Off they went. Whenever they rounded a corner with a crowd, there was cheering, jeering, and other commentary. AZfter passing each crowded arfea, the rearmost rider bailed out, ran around to the camel's rear, lifted the tail and studied what he found under there. After about six of these incidents, the "driver" blew his stack: "Stanley, whatterya doin'? You're makin' the people laugh at us!"

Stanley said: "Well, every time we go by a crowd, someone always yells: 'Look at the two assholes on that camel!'---I was just checkin'...!"

Art Burtt · #8 (**permalink**) 10-26-2003, 08:22 AM

A guy is walking down a street in New Orleans when he notices a funeral procession going by. Two black hearses are follwed by a man dressed in black with a Doberman Pincer dog on a leash.
Following him about 10 yds. back is a single file line of 60 men. The procession comes to a halt at a traffic light and the guy walks out to the man with the dog and says "this is some funeral.who died?" The guy replies my wife and my mother-in-law. The guy asks,What happened? The man replies this dog killed both of them. The guy is astonished and says This dog killed them? The man says yes sir. The guy asks can I borrow your dog? the man replies sure ,get in line!!

CobraDan · #9 (**permalink**) 10-30-2003, 04:04 AM

A Lady walks into a Shelby Cobra dealership.
She browses around, then spots the perfect red Cobra and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is Jim a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to SH!T when you hear the price."

WBofTN · #10 (**permalink**) 10-30-2003, 09:47 AM

A rich white man in Richmond, Virginia decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10-ft man-eating alligator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the 'gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the 'gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of **** like head butts and choke holds, biting the 'gator on the tail and flipping the 'gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the 'gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the 'gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. Then, how about half a million bucks?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy said "No." Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the muthaf*cka who pushed me in the pool."

zipzip · #11 (**permalink**) 10-30-2003, 11:49 AM

A picture's worth a thousand words...

CobraDan · #12 (**permalink**) 10-30-2003, 05:58 PM

My recent letter to Spike, the boy who proposed to my daughter:

Dear Spike,
I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo, and pierced nose.
I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the
park. Sure my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full scholarship.
After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law.......

P. S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery

WBofTN · #13 (**permalink**) 12-10-2003, 09:17 AM

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my wife's got a bug up her a$$, and I aim to kill it."

CobraDan · #14 (**permalink**) 12-19-2003, 09:10 AM

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true.
I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?"
"You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rushhour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On
Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom.
I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark
some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have
answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from
the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

CobraDan · #15 (**permalink**) 12-22-2003, 06:51 AM

'Twas 13th December, when deep in Iraq,
the 4th I.D. had a big enemy to track.
Saddam's stockings were smelly from months on the lam,
In hopes that Dean or Kerry would soon take command;
Our soldiers were nestled in their desert humvees,
they'd been told they were hunting Iraqi V.I.Ps;
And Saddam with head lice infesting his cap,
Had just settled down for an Iraqi-type nap,
When out on the farm there arose such a clatter,
He sprang from his shack to see what was the matter.
Away to his hideout he flew in a snit,
Tore open his pants leaping into the pit.
The searchlight on the dictator now caught in our snare,
Gave the lustre of mid-day to his nasty wild hair.
When, what to our soldiers' wide eyes should appear,
But a bedraggled old dictator cowering in fear!
Beneath the dirty old beard and the lice in his mane,
They were amazed to discover that it was Saddam Hussein.
More rapid than eagles they called up old Rummy,
And he whistled, and shouted, and said, "This is yummy!"
"Now, Condi! now, Sanchez! now, Cheney and Bush!
On, TV! on Radio! and Free Republic! Let's Rush!
To the top of the news! Get this video on!
Call FNC first! Then Dan Rather and Tom!
As a gloved doctor examined the smelly old goat,
he shoved a big wooden stick down Saddam's nasty throat,
Around the world in a flash the footage it flew,
As the French and Russians gulped, wondering what we now knew.
And then, in a twinkling, we heard from our leader
as he confirmed the capture of the despotic bottom feeder.
As he concluded his announcement, they replayed the scene,
(We heard nothing from Clark and nothing from Dean).
Saddam was covered in filth, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all greasy, with ashes and soot;
A bundle of money he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler who'd sold out to Chirac.
His eyes -- how they sagged! his dimples now pits!
His forehead was covered with curious zits!
His head was examined for vermin and lice,
shaved his face of the beard that was his disguise;
A large piece of wood was probed in his mouth,
(And we don't even know if the gloved hand went South);
He still had a fat face but had lost his round belly,
His clothes were a shambles and his feet downright smelly.
He was skinny and drawn, the lying old coward,
And I laughed when I thought of the speech made by Howard;
But the spin of the media and a liberal talking head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
Dean spoke not a word; Kerry went straight to work,
And tried to get airtime; (sounds just like the jerk),
Bush kept it short, not given to prose,
And giving a nod, up the polls he rose;
He sprang back to work, to his team gave a whistle,
And to D.C. they flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as he went on his way,"Happy Christmas to all,
and God Bless the USA!"

BMK · #16 (**permalink**) 12-23-2003, 06:11 AM

Hey

Why do woman wear white at their wedding??

All kitchen appliances come in white.

Bernie

Bernie Knight
Mt. Gambier South Australia.

Home of "Weekend at Bernie's #2" - March 13th/14th

BMK · #17 (**permalink**) 12-23-2003, 06:17 AM

Four guys are about to tee off on the golf course when a hearse drives past.

One suddenly places his iron back in his bag, removes his baseball cap, blesses himself and waves.

One of his group asks "Is he religious or something"

"No" his friend replied "His wife died yesterday and their just taking her to the cemetary"

Bernie

Bernie Knight
Mt. Gambier South Australia

Home of "Weekend at Bernie's #2" - March 13th/14th.

Art Burtt · #18 (**permalink**) 12-23-2003, 08:52 AM

Four guys had played golf every Sat. for twenty five years. Every Sat. rain or shine they teed off at 7:00 sharp. One Sat. one guy doesn't show up,they wait for 1/2 hour and then tee off without him. The next Sat. 7:00 all four meet at the golf course. Naturally
they ask the guy where he was last Sat. He says I'd prefer not to talk about it. One of his friends says wait a minute we've been a foursome for 25 years and never once has any of us missed our 7:00 tee time. I think some explaining is in order. The guy finally relents and says well I was born with both sets of sex organs,
and I was too embarrased to tell anyone. Last week the doctor told me as I got older I'd have to decide whether I want to continue my life as a man or a woman,and you'll be glad to know I am completely male now. His friends listened to his story and were speechless. Finally one guy spoke and said you stupid bastard,all these years you could have been hitting form the ladies tees???

BLACKJACK · #19 (**permalink**) 12-23-2003, 10:51 AM

EARLY ONE THURSDAY MORNING THREE RELIGIOUS LEADERS WERE OUT ON A BOAT FISHING.

FATHER O'MALLEY, REVEREND JONES AND RABBI GOLDSTEIN HAVE BEEN "FISHING BUDDIES" FOR YEARS AND HAD DISCUSSED MANY ISSUES OF THEOLOGY TOGETHER.

THIS PARTICULAR THURSDAY THE SUBJECT WAS "EXACTLY" WHEN DOES LIFE BEGIN???

WELL - - FATHER O'MALLEY, STICKING TO THE "PARTY LINE", INFORMED HIS FRIENDS THAT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH BELIEVES THE LIFE BEGINS AT THE MOMENT OF CONCEPTION. REVEREND JONES CHIMED IN THAT THE PROTESTANTS DON'T "CUT IT QUITE THAT CLOSE". WE BELIEVE THAT LIFE BEGINS AT THE MOMENT OF BIRTH. RABBI GOLDSTEIN LEANS BACK IN THE BOAT AND IN HIS MOST PROFOUND VOICE SAYS, "FELLAS, LET ME TELL YOU - AND THIS COMES FROM EXPERIENCE AS WELL AS OUR RELIGIOUS DOCTRINE. LIFE BEGINS - - - WHEN THE LAST KID LEAVES HOME AND THE DAMN DOG DIES.

Y'ALL HAVE A REALLY GREAT DAY.

BLACKJACK

KobraKarl · #20 (**permalink**) 12-23-2003, 07:35 PM

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a
couple of his friends late one night, and led the way
to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests
asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk
replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet,
gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The
three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You asshole...it's ten past three in the morning!"