Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

French Government reports outbreak of Swine Fever

By BSNN.net Correspondent Pylup de Corpses

PARIS --- The French government released a report verifying
an outbreak
of
swine fever, also known as hog cholera, in the northeast
region of the
country.

"We think the outbreak has something to do with the presence
of Jews in
our
country," explained French Agricultural Minister Dr. Ful de
Fecal. "And
although we cannot verify it scientifically at this time, we
will go with

that theory until a better one comes along."

Although humans were previously thought to be immune to
swine fever, this
new
strain appears to be particularly virulent and does affect
humans. Dr. de

Fecal said the symptoms are somewhat bizarre, even in
France: "I believe
swine fever has already gained a foothold in our country.
Consider how
the
disease manifests itself -- it causes the victim to exude a
strong body
odor,
to reject personal cleanliness, to babble irrationally about
the loss of
French culture, and to blame others for one's own
misfortunes. If you
look at
a random sampling of Frenchmen, most exhibit some or all of
these
symptoms."

The large and vocal Arab community in France seems more than
willing to
blame
Jews for the outbreak of the disease. Sheik Rattlan Rol,
spokesman for
the
group "Arab Security Shield Helping Ostracized Losers in
Europe"
(ASSHOLE),
summarized the group's position: "Of course, you must
understand that
Jews
have used pigs for centuries to transmit a variety of
plagues upon the
Arab
peoples -- this is accepted as fact throughout the Middle
East."

When this reporter pointed out that Jews, like Muslims,
eschew pork in
all
its forms, Sheik Rol became highly agitated and reiterated
the official
ASSHOLE position.

"Lies, nothing but lies," Rol complained. "Jews control the
media
worldwide.
I tell you, my friend, the Zionists have opened barbequed
rib joints
throughout the West Bank to poison our young. They drop jars
of pickled
pigs
feet into refugee camps where our people are starving. Even
now, they are

using the diseased pigs to make little mosque-shaped
sausages to divert
our
people from the True Path!"

French President Jacques Chirac de Bop-bop Shoowop, in
consultation with
his
cabinet, offered a possible solution: "Perhaps we will
simply cede the
affected territory and livestock to Germany -- this is a
problem and, as
you
know, we French do not do well with problems."

DISCLAIMER -
1) In case you couldn't tell, this news story is not meant
to be taken
seriously.
2) Approximately 25% of what's contained in the news story
is factually
true,
it is up to you to figure out which 25% it is.
3) The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily shared
with anyone.
4) If we seem to be disparaging a particular person then we
probably are.

5) When in doubt, refer to #1, abov

[bonyhadi]

A lesbian goes to see her GP for her annual check up. The GP does an internal examination and says, "My, you're looking pretty clean
these days"



The lesbian replies, "I should be, I have a woman in three times a week!"



.:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:.* ~:..:~*~:..:~*~:.



Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?



.:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:.* ~:..:~*~:..:~*~:.



Q: Have you heard about the new Home Cloning Kit?

A: You open up the box and there's one page of instructions.

Actually, just one instruction: "Go **** yourself."



.:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:.* ~:..:~*~:..:~*~:.



Q: What's another name for a zipper?

A: A Penis Fly Trap.

[CobraDan]

This lady had been married to a farmer all her life. They had cows and horses
on their farm and also grew a number of crops for sale at the local farmer's
market. While shopping at the local grocery store for a few items that
she and her husband did not raise themselves, she came across a contest form for canned Carnation Milk.
The object was to complete a jingle in fifty words or less. The Company
furnished the first line of the jingle with these words, "I like Carnation best
of all.......".
She completed their jingle and sent it off to the Carnation Milk Company.
A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a Carnation Milk
person came to her door and told her that her entry was the best one submitted.

However, it was unfortunate the company could not publish it.
In lieu of that latter fact, they had decided that her entry was worth at leasta consolation award and provided her with a company check in the amount of
$1,000 for her creativity.
Here is her entry:

"I like Carnation best of all,
No tits to pull, no sh!t to haul
No barns to clean, no hay to pitch
Just punch a hole in the son of a b!tch."

[bonyhadi]

Most Perfect
-----------------------------------
Our dentist recently hired a beautiful young blonde as a dental
hygenist. We exchanged small talk for half an hour as she cleaned my
teeth and I gazed into her pale-blue eyes. When she finished, she
smiled and said, "You have the most perfect mouth." My heart skipped a
beat. Then she continued, "Usually I have a lot of trouble reaching
people's wisdom teeth, but your mouth is so big that I can get both
hands in easily."











A Catchy Tune
----------------------------------
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion
magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model.

I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the
chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin,
graying hair.

I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody.

It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."













My Mother?
---------------------------------
The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband.
"I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me."

"My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away."

"I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it."

He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?"

"In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't
forget to give this letter to George.'"











"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can
think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"

"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."

[bonyhadi]

Masturbation Synonyms


For women:

Applying nail polish remover
Auditioning the finger puppets
Brushing your afro
Buttering your bagel
Checking for squirrels
Checking the foxhole
Checking the oil
Checking the status of the I/O port
Cleaning my fur coat
Coaxing the genie out of the magic lamp
Defrosting the freezer
Dialing the rotary phone
Diggin' the stench trench
Digging for my keys
Doing my nails
Doing something for my chapped lips
Doing the two-finger slot rumba
Double-clicking your mouse
Draining the tuna
Drilling for oil
Dusting the endtable
Feeding the bearded clam
Filling the pink taco
Filling your niche
Finding yourself
Fingering something out
Finishing the job
Fishing for cumpliments
Fishing for mackerel
Flipping the light switch repeatedly
Flossing the cat
Fluffing the kitty
Gagging my meat hole
Gagging the clam
Getting a lube job
Getting a stain out of my carpet
Getting a stinky pinky
Getting the last pickle out of the jar
Getting to know Sticky Fingers the mobster
Going deep sea diving
Going to and from the Batcave
Hand tossing the tuna salad
Having ladyfingers and cream
Hitchhiking South
Indoor fishing
Jilling off
JocelynEldering
Makin' waves for the man-in-the-boat
Making your own gravy
Menage a moi
Mistressbate
Muffin buffin'
Nail polish remover
Nursing a hatchet wound
Opening the bottom drawer
Paddling the pink canoe
Parting the Red Sea
Petting the kitty
Playing the clitar
Playing the slots
Polishing the wedding ring
Preheating the oven
Priming the pump
Reading braille
Reading the map of Tazmania
Riding the unicycle
Riding your own mule down Grand Canyon
Romancing thy own
Rubbin Hood
Rubbin' the nubbin
Scraping the cheese off the taco
Searching for Ms. "G"
Shebopping
Shucking the fresh water clam
Slapping Susie
Slapping the mackerel
Sliding into home
Soaking in Palmolive
Spanking your puppy on the nose
Spearing the bearded clam
Spelunking in the mystery cave
Stirring the soup
Strumming the big open C
Surfing the web
Swimming in the Pu-Tang River
Taking a dip in the lake
Teasing the little man in the canoe
Testing the waters
The magical disappearing finger trick
The ole feel n' squeal
Tickling the kitty
Tiptoe through the TwoLips
Tossing the pink salad
Twinkling the little star
Two-finger taco tango
Unclogging the drain
Visiting Niagra Falls
Visiting your safety deposit box
Wading in the Bermuda Triangle
Washing your fingers
Whipping your cream
Working out at the Y



for Men:

A date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 slut daughters
Auditioning the hand puppet
Badgering the witness
Beating the **** out of your best friend
Beating the **** out of your incapacitated midget
Beating the snot outta Rotney
Beating the snotty end of my **** stick
Blueball baseball
Calling down for more Mayo
Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis
Caping the crusader
Cheating on your other hand
Checking the plumbing
Choking the bald guy 'til he pukes
Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
Cleaning the walls after an accident involving the Milk Man and the Cyclops
Committing mass spermicide
Decongesting the weasel
Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile
Dripping white-hot coconuts from the veiny palm tree of lust
Dropping the kids off at the pool
Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of his denim cell
Evicting the testicular squatters
Firing the presidential staff
Fishing for zipper trout
Five-finger discount
Flogging your dumber brother
Foreplay with Fistina
Four-knuckle shuffle (for those who lost a finger in 'Nam)
Freeing the hostages
Freeing Willy
Getting your palm red
Givin' the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter nuggie
Giving the pink Mustang a spit shine
Giving the seamen shore leave
Giving yourself a helping hand
Giving yourself a low five
Having a play date with your little friend
Having a puppet show in your pants
Having a staff meeting
Hitchhiking under the Big Top
Launching the morning missile
Letting out the bulimic one-eyed monster
Making special sauce with frank and beans
Making the bald guy cry
Making the Cyclops do chin-ups 'til he throws up
Making the llama spit
Manhandling your man-handle
Milking the bull
Million sperm march
My sex life! (Okay, that one's more sad than funny)
One-handed workout
Opening up a bottle of Squirt
Performing diagnostics on your ManTool
Playing pocket polo with Agent Johnson
Playing the stand-up organ
Playing with Yoosef
Polishing the family jewels
Polishing the hot rod
Polishing the purple people pleaser
Practicing for the Big Game
Pulling the single serving soup dispenser
Rapid one arm pull-ups
Releasing the Olympic Doves
Riding the Great White Knuckler
Romancing the bone
Roughing the passer
Roughing up the suspect
Rubbing the Buddha for good luck
Running in single-user mode
Running off a batch by hand
Sanding the obelisk
Sending yourself a hand-job-o-gram
Shaking hands with your wife's best friend
Shaking the coconut milk of love from the leafless palm trunk
Shaking the hand of the self-employed
Shooting tadpoles at the moon
Shooting the pump action porridge gun
Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man
Spackling the ceiling
Spending some quality time with yourself
Spilling my children on my belly
Spit-polishing the purple helmet
Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
Swinging the purple-veined kidney stabber
Taking little Elvis to Graceland
Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
Taking your turn at the self-serve pump
Target practice with the yogurt gun
Teasing the purple-headed custard chucker
Tenderizing the tube steak
Test-firing the meat missile
Testing the hand cream dispenser
Trolling for the one-eyed walleye
Tube sock tango
Warming up the altar boy's dinner
White-water wristing
Wrapping my hand around my cock and blowing a load all over my mother
Zygote spraying

[Jamo]

Nothing like expanding one's vocabulary.

[CobraDan]

The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"
Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"
The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"
And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!"
And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?"
And Little Johnny replied, "F**king homework and tests!"

[bonyhadi]

Father Harris was motoring along a country lane
in
his parish on a spring afternoon when all of a
sudden
he got a flat tire. Exasperated, the priest
stopped
his car, got out, and assessed the damage.
Luckily a
four-wheel-drive jeep rounded the bend and pulled
to a
stop behind the crippled vehicle.
The door to the jeep opened and out stepped a
powerful hunk of a man. "Good afternoon,
Father,"
greeted the stranger. "Can I give you a hand?"
"Heaven be praised," rejoiced the priest. "As
you
can see, my son, I have a flat tire, and I must
admit
I've never changed one before."
"Don't worry about it, Father. I'll take care
of
it." And without skipping a beat, the bruiser
picked
up the front of the car with one hand and removed
the
lug nuts from the base of the flat tire with the
other. "Why don't you get the spare from the
trunk?"
"Why, ahh, yes, of course, my son," stuttered
the
amazed Father Harris. The priest rolled the
spare
around to the strong-man who casually lifted it
up
with his free hand, maneuvered it into place, and
proceeded to tighten the lug nuts.
"Do you need the wrench?" the Father queried.
"That's OK," the fellow told him. "These nuts
are
as tight as a nun's snatch."
"Hmmmm..." mused Father Harris. "I'd better
get the
wrench."








This guy went to the doctors and said: "Doctor, I'm having problems with
my sex life!"

Doctor: "What do you mean?"

Guy: "Well, I'm just not getting any."

Doctor: "Look out the window then."

Guy: "Oh yeah, I see that convent. Good idea Doctor!"

Doctor: "Yes, but see that patch of mushrooms in front of it?"

The guy looks across and sees a beautiful young nun picking mushrooms.

The doctor then says, "Well, if you go place yourself underneath the
mushrooms with only your dick sticking out, you certainly won't regret
it."

The next morning, the guy is lying underneath the patch of mushrooms,
with his dick sticking out, as the doctor had said, and the most
beautiful young nun walks along with a basket.

She starts picking mushrooms, while singing a little song: "One little
mushroom for my basket, two little mushrooms for my basket, three little
mushrooms for my basket, four..., four..., four..., four..."

The guy cannot believe it; he is enjoying this so much.
That night while down at the pub, he is telling his story to his mates
and one of them (who is very drunk) decides to go and try this out for
himself.

So, that night he goes down to the convent, and places himself
underneath the patch of mushrooms, and leaves his dick sticking out. In
the morning, the fattest, most repulsive and butch nun comes along with
her basket.

She starts to pick mushrooms, while singing the same song: "One little
mushroom for my basket, two little mushrooms for my basket, three little
mushrooms for my basket, four..., four..., four..., FOUR little
mushrooms for my basket, five little mushrooms for my basket..."





























The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he
kept in the hen house out back of the parish rectory.
He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and, as that was the
time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to
do
something about it at church the next morning.
At mass, he asked the congregation "Has anybody got a cock"----all the
men stood up.
"No, No" he said, "That wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock?" all the women stood up. "No, No" he said,
"That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't
belong
to them?"---Half the women stood up
"No, No" he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my
cock?"----All the alter boys stood up

[CobraDan]

Joe Smith started the day early,
having set his alarm clock (made in Japan), for 6:00 A.M.
While his coffee pot (made in Japan), is perking,
he puts his blow dryer (made in Taiwan) to work and
shaves with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong).
He puts on a dress shirt (made in Taiwan),
his designer jeans (made in Singapore),
and a pair of tennis shoes (made in Korea).
After cooking up some breakfast
in his new electric skillet (made in Philippines),
he sits down to figure out on his calculator (made in Mexico),
how much he can spend today.
After setting his watch (made in Switzerland),
to the radio (made in Hong Kong),
he goes out, gets in his car (made in Germany),
goes looking as he has been for months,
for a good paying American job.

After the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decides to relax for a while.
He puts on a pair of sandals (made in Brazil),
pours himself a glass of wine (made in France),
and turns on his TV (made in Japan),
and ponders again why he can't find a good paying American job.

[renaissance man]

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her thoroughly and told her that she could expect a complete recovery.

She asked him, "How long will it be before I can resume a normal sex life again, Doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

[bonyhadi]

These days, with all the emphasis on one's physical fitness, a new
organization has sprung up called "Athletics Anonymous."

When you get the urge to play golf, tennis, go power-walking or
bicycle riding (or anything else involving a type of physical
activity), they send someone over to drink with you until the urge
passes.










Bambi, the blonde in her fourth freshman year at UCLA, sat in her
U.S. Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe
vs. Wade was about. Bambi thought a moment, then answered, "that was
the decision George Washington had to make when he decided to cross
the Delaware."









Q. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?

A. Exchange him.











My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the
act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front, near
the cash registers, when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried
to run away.

After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up
to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.

"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried
to go through the express line with more than nine items."











Going off to my first semester of college, I was a little uneasy
about living with someone I'd never met before. But a couple of days
after we moved in, I knew I'd be okay. I walked in to find my
roommate on the floor, running his hands up and down a pair of khaki
shorts.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Ironing," he replied.














Man: "What sign were you born under?"

Woman: "No Parking."











Q. What would be the advantage of having a woman as president?

A. No wars, but every 28 days we have REALLY intense negotiation.











Mr. Hands was called in for an audit, and a surly IRS agent confronted him.

"It says here that you're a bachelor - yet you have claimed a
dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake."

Mr. Hands looked him straight in the eye and said, "Yep, it surely was."











The greatest Country-Western song titles of all time!

* Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
* Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
* Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
* I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
* I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
* I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
* I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
* I Wanna Whip Your Cow
* I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck
* I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
* I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
* If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
* If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
* Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
* My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John
Was Breaking My Heart
* My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
* Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
* She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
* She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
* Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
* They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
* When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
* You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
* You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
* You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly










A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York
and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing
over a beautiful bed of lilies.

"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor
old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So
the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you
doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to
the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and
he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke
ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"











Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead, when in
reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem
that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the
man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor
tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded
to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious
study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.

"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.

"Yes, I do," the patient replied.

"Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the
patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.

The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"

"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at
his finger... "Dead men do bleed!!"












Q. What's the definition of a computer nerd?

A. A guy who knows 4,560 ways to have sex but doesn't know any girls.












Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only
dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put
him in the barn and said, "you stay here until you learn how to
behave yourself".

Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour). About
an hour later a traveling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the
Farmer for a place to
stay. The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however
he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there were no lights
in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn. The Farmer said the
bear would not bother him. The salesman went to the barn.

Later another traveling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer
told him about the barn-no lights and the tame bear. Salesmen left
for barn.

One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the
Farmer. He told her about the barn and mentioned the two traveling
salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention
the bear).

The woman said I can take care of myself and left for the barn.
Two hours later heavy knocking at the door awakened the Farmer. When
opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn
and rumpled. The Farmer said good heavens what happened to you?
.
The woman replied I give up on human nature, the first guy gave me
forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap
bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks.











Renfrew was the most absent-minded altar boy Father O'Malley had ever
seen. But Renfrew meant well, and the clergymen decided to give him
one more
chance to prove himself. "At mass tomorrow, I will come to a point
where you'll hear me sing, "And God's angels lit the candles." When I
say that, you're to light the candles in the back of the church. Is
that understood?"

Renfrew said it was, and that night both the priest and Renfrew
prayed for his success. The next day Father O'Malley conducted mass
in front of a full congregation. At last his rich baritone sang out,
"And God's angels lit the candles!" Nothing happened and he said
again, "And God's angels lit the candles!" Still the candles
remained unlit, and once more he boomed, "And God's angels lit the
candles!"

From behind the last pew Renfrew's small voice carried across the
room. "And your dog pee'd on the matches!"

[bonyhadi]

At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against
a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of
bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank Heavens!", he cried out in
relief...."I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile
of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his
comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own
head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to
survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in
disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to
survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!"














A man in Israel lost a valuable dog. He advertised in a small local
newspaper; offering a very generous $5000 reward for it, but got no
replies.

He stopped by the newspaper office to check on results of his ad.
"I'd like to see Shapiro the advertising manager." he said.

"He's out," said Moishe, the office boy.

"Well, how about his assistant?"

"He's out too, sir."

"Goodness! Is everybody out - where are they?"

"They're all searching for your dog!"












If money is the root of all-evil, why do churches want it so badly?











John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they
arrived at the door his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John
and kissed him passionately.

"My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?"

"22 years", replied John.

"You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that
after all those years."

"Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."















Mary: I see no reason to "celebrate" birthdays. I'm not glad about
getting older.

Jill: Yeah, know what you mean.

Mary: Not so long ago, I was young and hip; now I'm closer to a hip
REPLACEMENT!















Tom's wife wasn't very attractive, but he was no oil painting,
either. After the ceremony, Tom asked the vicar how much the cost was.

"Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your
wife," replied the Reverend.

Tom looked at his wife, and handed the vicar $50.

The vicar looked at Tom's wife and gave him $42 change.











She: This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a
nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste.

He: Are you describing the wine or your mother?






"













Susan Meyer, a primary care physician, was finished trying to help
her patient who would never follow her recommendations. So she gave
him a referral to a Dr. Green, a proctologist, hoping he could find
this patient's head...














Thought for the Day: Everybody likes a little ass, but nobody likes
a smartass.










One evening after dinner, a five-year-old son noticed that his mother
had gone out and he asked, "Where did mommy go?"

In answer to his questions, he was told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked,
"What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"

The man had always given my son honest answers, so he figured a
simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said,
"at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic
bowls to each other."

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then
he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"












A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only
a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told.

"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.

Back came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."















The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he
said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in
the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position,
and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the
sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to
vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take
over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied, "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."












"I think the political correctness is getting ridiculous. Today I
overheard a little boy say he was going to go play a game of Cattle
Management Specialists and Native Americans."









As a senior at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I often
engage women psychology majors in heated discussions about
male-female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a
hot debate about whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of
their respective gender characteristics when they get married. To my
surprise, Shelly agreed with me that men give up far more than women.

"You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up doing their
cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their laundry."













When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her
some advice. "The first ten years are the hardest."

"How long have you been married?" I asked.

"Ten years," she replied.

[CobraDan]

A Polish girl went to the gynecologist. She disrobed and got up into the stirrups.
The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her vagina he asked,
"When was the last time you had a checkup?"
"Well, to be honest with you," she blushed,
"I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several Hungarians."

[CobraDan]

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said,
"Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes
later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son.
"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my
feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a
muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my
breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I
didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the
two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, "Should we eat them here or
take them with us?
Well, I guess I just panicked."

[bonyhadi]

Resignation Letter.......An actual letter sent by a fed up U .S. employee
Mr Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very
basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an
intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your
consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the
commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few
true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to
explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to
stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of
precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were
apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who
watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for
the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as
incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also
never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it
to you, even
though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP
is.

Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk
around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others.

You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for
your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it
off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring
ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green
algae that everyone else eats and laughs at.

Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this
situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy
reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few
parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give
me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not
to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of
years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on
your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know
every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get
cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently
saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that
terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the
administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers
b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of
yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the
techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd
acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied
and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of
recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct
your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my
desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your
little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f***
with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all
your free time.

************************

Below are a few resignation letters written by staff to their managers good
read!!


An offer of 1 million pounds plus free s*x with a page three girl could not
convince me to stay with your company. A position of junior goat herder in
Mongolia would be a more positive career step, than staying here. What a
shame. Our group has worked well but, as yet, has been criminally
overlooked.

Finally: If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Unpersonable B*tch

As per the piece of crap I signed on my first day of this dreaded job,
hereby give 2 minutes notice of my intention to leave this awful company I
want to thank you for all you have not done for me in my employment here.
It
has been sheer torture working for you and representing this crappy
company.

It is now time for me to move on and I have accepted a position as a
garbage
person. This decision was quite easy and took little consideration.
However,
I am confident that this new role represents a step up from this piece of
crap job. I wish the company would go to pieces and hope one day you too
will realise that you couldn't manage your way out of a paper bag.

Glad to be gone,

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Editor,

I would like to confirm my status as the latest rodent to vacate your
increasingly leaky vessel.

Yours,

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear John:

Please take note of the fact that I am hereby tendering my resignation
from,
effective, September 1, 2000. While I have a high degree of personal
respect
for you and the opportunities you have offered me, I am no longer
comfortable working for a technology organisation largely populated by
politocrats, vengeful rivalries, and fiefdoms reminiscent of imperial
Chinese literature. In fact, I dare say that I would rather be tied in a
leather bag with ravenous, rabid ocelots than remain at this company any
longer than the next two weeks.

It was my sincere hope that the reptilian extraterrestrial tyrants who
clandestinely own and operate the Technology Group would reveal themselves
during my tenure here, but it appears they are far cannier then I ever gave
them credit for. Hopefully, their insidious plot to befoul the American
financial industry with foolish and ill-advised technology policies will
eventually be revealed, but until then it seems their plans may march on
uncontested. I give you due credit, for choosing to remain here to fight
this hideous alien menace from within.

God's speed, and may the Force be with you.

Sincerely,

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

[bonyhadi]

"Resume 2002"

OBJECTIVE:
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for
eight hours, occasionally looking attentive
when approached by a superior.

EDUCATION:
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don't Ask, Don't Tell

EMPLOYMENT:

NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present)
Produced daily itinerary of television programs
to watch. Duties included changing channels,
avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after
those "important" messages.

DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99)
Using various tools such as credit cards and
borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups
of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that
goes straight to my father.

COMPUTER SKILLS:
*Solitaire
*Minesweeper
*On/Off Repair Method

HONORS AND AWARDS:
*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament
*Said Toast at brother's wedding
*High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine

For further references, contact my mother. For positive
responses, please pose all questions as though you're
considering me as a law school applicant.


































Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife or Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a
blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego?
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough
Boy?
A.) A red headed ***** with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're
screwed.












There once was a man who owned a sausage factory,
and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around
his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his
son would just sneer. They approached the heart
of the factory, where the father thought "This
should impress him!"

He showed his son the machine and said "Son, this
is the heart of the factory. This machine here we
can put in a pig, and out come sausages."

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do
you have a machine where you can put in a sausage
and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son,
we call it your mother."

















A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long, and
yet her husband has lost interest in having sex. So, she goes to see her
doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing
serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor
tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning
without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage
beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week
with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"
The woman replied, "He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I
backed over him with the car....















Jasmine went to Melva's place to tell her about a
horrible experience
she had the previous night with this guy she took
home.
"Well, what happened when you got there?" asked
Melva.

"After we had some real freaky sex, the
son-of-a-***** called me a
slut!"
Somewhat shocked, Melva asked, "What did you do
then?"
"I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom,
and to take his five
biker friends with him!"

[CobraEd]

A happy, little fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. Since it had been
hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.
She ate... And ate...and then .. she ate some more!!! Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground. She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.She'd
found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor! . . . Dead Fly....

The moral of this sad story?

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of $hit.

[bonyhadi]

A man who had been called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service
asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your
shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant
replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice. "Don’t let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit
and tie."

Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting
advice, and requested some resolution on the dilemma. "Let me tell
you a story," replied the priest. "A woman, about to be married,
asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy,
long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when
she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. ‘Wear your
most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.’ "

Confused, the man asked, "What does all this have to do with my
problem with the IRS?"

"Simple," replied the Priest. "It doesn’t matter what you wear, you’re going to get screwed."

[bonyhadi]

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in
and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell
sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real
honor. What are you guys doing in here?"


Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million
Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."



The guy exclaimed: "A blonde with big tits? Why kill
a blonde with big tits?"




Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and
says, "See, smart ass?!?!

[CobraDan]

A man had owned this large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables, horse shoe courts, basketball court, etc.
The pond was made for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators!"