Ignore (EOM)

[uncltodd]

I remember the last urine test I had to take, 1993.

The results came back:

"Congratulations! Your mare is pregnant!"

Only in Oklahoma. The Department of Corrections had contracted with a veterinary testing lab for our random urine drug tests.

I still love it here.

UT

[Ron61]

UT,

Now that was good. What did you have. Boy or Girl??

Ron

[BigGuy]

CREATIVE LAWYERS
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman" Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but on evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it.
"Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted.
The young lady's lawyer answered thus:
"Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached and provided to the plaintiff for damages."
The defendant wrote out a check immediately.

[Ron61]

JT,

Very good. I am going to send that to a friend of mine who has a more than casual aquaintance with courts and judgments that would make great stories. Maybe he will tell it to the judge in his next case.

Ron

[LwCwb]

Steal from lawyers


Jack and Mugs, two second-story men from Flatbush, were comparing notes on recent burglaries.

"Didja get anything on that last heist?" Jack asked.

"Nuttin' at all," Mugs admitted. "Toins out that the guy that lives there's a lawyer."

"Jeez, ain't that the breaks," his friend sympathized.

"Didja lose anything?"

[trularin]

I sure am glad we do not have a topic here.

[Ron61]

Ok Tru,

Lawyer jokes in the CSX4000 thread in the lounge from now on. This thread can't be allowed to sink to a topic.

Ron

[trularin]

There ya go, not back to the rocks with cheese.

[392cobra]

Important Warning!!!!!!


I hate it when people forward too many warnings as much as anyone, BUT,
this
one is important! Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey
on
deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around, DO
NOT DO
IT! IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.

[BigGuy]

I thought this might be the place for this... It's pretty random!

I would'nt want to stray off topic so this is the last one. Maybe?!


Here goes:

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- maybe twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible.... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists... they don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

My weight is perfect for my height... which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

The speed of time is one second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken ?

[hey,littlecobra]

hehehehe. Fred and Big guy!

[Ron61]

Fred,

I think it was you that asked about the ramps getting in the way when working under the car. I posted a picture of them back a page or so in this thread. If it wasn't you, sorry.

Big Guy,

You are ok now. We have had a few posts in between anything that looked as it might dvelop into a real thread. And Tru will break that up if it does start to get onto a topic for to long. He loves a break from shoveling snow.

Ron

[392cobra]

Ron,
I think your lift is what would fit my garage and needs.Getting it with the option to lay it down flat would be perfect.

Gary Morris posted saying The Royal Rhubarb has one too.

Your Torino Cobra picture sure brings back a lot of fun memories.
Mine was Indian Fire Red and didn't have the hood scoop.

[Ron61]

Fred,

The lay flat was not an option when I got mine. It just came standard that way. Pull the pins that hold the back legs on and the ramps lay flat on the floor. Back legs are easy to move as they aren't big and bulky. Carpet for sleeping under the car is something that you have to get.
Also one more word of advise. The ramps are powder coated and if your tires are the least bit wet when you try to back on, they want to spin and go off to the side. I fixed it by going to the hardware store and buying some of that stuff they stick on boats that is sort of grain so you don't slip. Works great. I was at our April Car show a couple of years ago and they had a display there and were trying to get a Superbee on the ramps while the dew was still heavy and it was spinning and wanting to slide. I told them what I had done and they went right to the store and got some of that stuff and no more problem. I think Casaleenie got something and put on his too.

Ron

[hey,littlecobra]

quit posting about ramps here! Go to my other thread! It's too confusing, and you are creating a topic here! Go, I say, go!!

[clayfoushee]

Kristen, thank you for your cooperation.

[BigGuy]

Hey, little cobra
Your right this is not a ramp topic forum. I think the topic here is cheese doodles and rocks?! What ever.....


We just had a little snow last night (10 inches), so its a little slow here.



Back on topic?:
Here's one I just received.
I'd don't remember this from College.... ahh the 70's.



The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that---since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[Turk]

I designate Kristen the in-house moderator for this thread.
She is in charge!!

Whatever she says goes..

[hey,littlecobra]

I feel SSSOOOO honored. An honorary moderator on Club Cobra. Wow. Now if Brent, Jamo, or Ron (CW) would make it official...... I mean, geez, I'd whip all you boys in line, just give me the chance.... No more ROCK throwing especially in the lounge. It is a scary place, and we need more peace, love and Dr. Phil in there. No Dr. Ruth, tho'.
REMEMBER: I'M NOW IN CHARGE! TURK SAID SO.
have a great day, and BE NICE! or else...
Kristen
moderator
wow. I feel liberated. Free and clear. Thanks, Turk. I needed that....

[LwCwb]

Uh oh.....

Turk, what have you done?!!!!!!!!!!!