Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Blonde in Vegas - A guy is walking from the elevator to his room in a Las Vegas hotel. He sees a blonde at the Coke machine. She is repeatedly putting in coins and pressing a button on the machine. Each time, as a bottle of Coke comes down the chute, she jumps up & down, squealing with excitement.

The guy stops her and asks, "Excuse me, can you tell me what you are doing?"

The blonde replies, "Like, duhhh...I'm WINNING."


One evening a father was surprised to overhear his little girl's bedtime prayer.

"God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. God bless Grandma. Goodbye Grandpa."

"Wierd," he thought, and went on his way. The next day he was shocked to learn that his father had died of a heart attack.

A week later he heard his daughter saying her prayers again. "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grandma."

Sure enough, the next morning he learned that his mother had had a heart attack.

One week later he was stunned. "God bless Mommy, and goodbye Daddy."

Needless to say, he went to bed in mortal fear. He was barely able to get out of bed the next morning. He tiptoed gingerly through the day taking extra care to be safe in everything he did. To be sure, he decided to stay at work until 1 minute after midnight. Then he went home.

"Wow," he said to his wife. "You wouldn't believe the nerve wracking day I've had."

"You think you had a bad day?" she says. "The mailman had a heart attack right on our front porch!

Happy Father's Day.

[cobra de capell]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS IN JULY WHEN. . . .

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron!
The temperature drops below 95 F and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is,"What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the
pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
Ah, what a place to call home.
God Bless Our State of TEXAS !!

[cobra de capell]

Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Good: You're pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

[cobra de capell]

ClubCobra Man Test !!

1.In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking B. Screwing C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2.You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. B. Your blood-test results. C. Five tequila slammers.

3.You time your orgasm so that: A. Your partner climaxes first. B. You both climax simultaneously. C. You don't miss ESPN Sportscenter.

4.Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: A. Healthy, creative love-play. B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to. C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out about.

5.Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: A. The best part of the experience. B. The second best part of the experience. C. $100 extra.

6.Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is: A. Of no importance to your affectionate feelings for her. B. Not a problem, she can join your gym. C. A conservative estimate.

7.You think today's sensitive, caring man is: A. A myth B. An oxymoron C. A moron

8.Foreplay is to sex as: A. Appetizer is to entree. B. Primer is to paint. C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9.Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? A. "I hope we can still be friends." B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep." C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."

10.A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy. B. Is uptight and a waste of time. C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results: If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man. If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused. If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

[cobra de capell]

[wtm442]

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California?
California became a state.The State had no electricity.The State had no money.Almost everyone spoke Spanish.There were gun fights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today except the women had
real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

[Cobrabill]

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop.Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

[cobra de capell]

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,entertain,sacrifice for, charm, fascinate, attend, trust, grovel, defend, coax, brag about, understand, clothe, respect, entertain, kill for, commit, snuggle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN

Show up naked ..... and bring beer.

[Cobrabill]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep. None of us could get the jar open.”

[cobra de capell]

One afternoon, while talking to his friend Luther, Clem announced, "You know, I figure I'm about ready for another vacation, but this year I'm gonna plan it a little different." "How so," asked Luther? "Well, the last few years I took your advice on where to go. Three years ago you said 'go to Hawaii'. So I went to Hawaii and Ethel Mae turned up pregnant. Then two years ago you said 'go to the Bahamas'. I went to the Bahamas and Ethel Mae got pregnant. Then last year you said 'go to Tahiti' and when I did she got pregnant again!" "So what're you gonna do different this year," Luther asked? "Well," replied Clem "for starters, this year I'm takin' Ethel Mae with me!"
_____

During a neighborhood party, Joe got into an argument with
his neighbor, about presidential politics. Finally, the
neighbor asked me why Joe was such a dedicated Republican.

Joe told him that his father and grandfather were both
Republicans and he was carrying on the family tradition.

"That's it?" said the exasperated neighbor. "What if your
father and
grandfather had been horse thieves?"

"Well..." Joe replied, "I suppose then I'd be a Democrat."

[cobra de capell]

One afternoon, while talking to his friend Luther, Clem announced, "You know, I figure I'm about ready for another vacation, but this year I'm gonna plan it a little different." "How so," asked Luther? "Well, the last few years I took your advice on where to go. Three years ago you said 'go to Hawaii'. So I went to Hawaii and Ethel Mae turned up pregnant. Then two years ago you said 'go to the Bahamas'. I went to the Bahamas and Ethel Mae got pregnant. Then last year you said 'go to Tahiti' and when I did she got pregnant again!" "So what're you gonna do different this year," Luther asked? "Well," replied Clem "for starters, this year I'm takin' Ethel Mae with me!"

[cobra de capell]

On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., Senator John Kerry's campaign manager visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Cardinal that John Kerry would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Kerry to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Kerry a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Kerry's views."

Kerry's manager then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Kerry as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, " Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Kerry's campaign manager promised, Senator Kerry appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated himself prominently at the edge of the main isle.

And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that Senator Kerry was present.

Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Senator Kerry's presence is probably an honor to some, he is not my favorite person. Some of his views are contrary to those of the church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other views.

John Kerry is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. John Kerry is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. John Kerry is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed.

He turned on his buddies in Vietnam. He wrote a book and portrayed himself in the best light when he was a traitor to his fellow servicemen. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in for a medal (including one that does not even exist). He married for money and is using it to lie to the American people.

He also has a reputation for shirking his senatorial obligations both here, in Washington, and in Massachusetts. He simply is not to be trusted."

The Cardinal completed his view of Kerry with,"But, when compared to Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator Kerry is a saint."

[Cobrabill]

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey,
25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a
sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to
sleep every night with a hot 25-year old. Now, we have a
nice house, nice car, big bed, and plasma screen TV, but I'm
sleeping with a 50-year old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find
a hot 25-year old, and she would make sure that I would once
again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and
sleeping on a sofa bed.

[Cobrabill]

A gynaecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for car mechanics.

When the class ended, the students were given their final exam: strip a car engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order. The gynaecologist did his best - and was amazed to find he scored 150%.

"How could that be?" he asked. "Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a really fantastic job. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."

[Ron61]

A woman is enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends one day
recently. "Oh, No! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time."

When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an
egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs
in the egg and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is
pulling up.

She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his
dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner.


"Darling, this the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day... "

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around when one of them said," You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in!


> How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him-he was licking his ass and
fell off the window sill."

[wtm442]

Forget Rednecks ..here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New

Englanders...

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36
inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping it will swim by, you might
live in New England.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each
year because Mt. Washington is the coldest spot in the nation, and Boston
gets more snow than any other major city in the US, you live
in New England.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in
New England.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year,
you live in New England.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don't work
there, you live in New England.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a
wrong number, you live in New England.

And, you know you are a New Englander when: "Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend.

You measure distance in hours.

You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

You have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard
without flinching.

You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both
unlocked.

You carry jumpers in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use
them.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

The speed limit on the high! way is 55mph -- you're going 80 and everybody
is passing you!

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road
construction.

Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You find 10 degrees "a little chilly."

[wtm442]

I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should start out dead, get it out of the way.
You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then you finish off as an orgasm.

It's got to be better this way cause this getting old sucks!

[EarlsflyinCobra]

I second that EMOTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

[VRM]

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he
needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called
down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the
premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him
apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a
vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the
machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the
opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and
whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his
head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best
haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, $20.00.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He
paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the
machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he
pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine
Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50
Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in
the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation,
stuck his manhood into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek
of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his member... which
now had a button sewed on the end.

[Ron61]

I am sure that this has been posted before but !!!

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says,"License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

Ron