Jokes

[bliss]

Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German" she replies. "Occupation?" "No, not this time I am just here for a few days first".
_____

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a loving smile and said "Get that cart over here love. They're doing 3 cartons of beer for the price of 2".
_____

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United
States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby."Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!

That person puts up his hand and says,"I am from Middle East. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

[bliss]

[bliss]

Coffee and Testicles

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job.....

The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations, you have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.”

The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?”

“This is a government job”, the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls... No point in you coming in for that.”
_____

[bliss]

Be careful out there.....

[bliss]

A wife gets home after her annual physical exam and was passing her husband, who was watching baseball in his recliner. Without looking up he asks, “How’d your exam go?”

She stops and says, “Just fine. The doctor said I’m in great shape for my age. In fact, he said I have the breasts of a 20 year old.”

The husband smirks and replies, “What did the doctor say about your 40 year old ass?”

She thinks for a moment and says, “Uh, your name never came up.”
_____

[bliss]

[bliss]

Sad Cat Diary

[bliss]

On my way to work this morning, I noticed the man driving next to me was texting whilst driving.

Knowing how dangerous that can be, I promptly rolled down my window and threw my beer at him.
_____

I was installing a light in the Attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the poop out of my girlfriend.


I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.
_____

Gods don't kill people.

People with Gods kill people.

[letsboogie351]

A West AustralianTourist visiting **New Zealand** for the first time hired a
car to travel to both ****North & South** ** Islands****.
On his way to the south Island he observed a bloke in a paddock having sex
with a sheep.
The tourist was horrified to think this unacceptable behaviour could occur
in this educated country.
He was so disgusted he stopped at the nearby pub to sooth his nerves.
Whilst at the bar he noticed a chap with one leg at the end of the bar
discreetly wanking himself.
The tourist was disgusted & said to the barmaid, "What the hell is going on
over here, I've only been here for a couple hours & I've seen a bloke
screwing a sheep in the paddock & now this one legged bloke at the end of
the bar wanking himself off".
The barmaid replied, "Fair go mate, be reasonable - you can't expect a man
with only one leg to catch a sheep".

[bliss]

video covering the 50's - cars/music

My wife´s suspicious mind is really beginning to annoy me. Last night after looking at my calendar she wanted to know who May was.
_____

[bliss]

Back in the day....

How many Club Cobra Forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a light bulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty
5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs
15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and their own light bulbs
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs"
4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.

[FWB]

Originally Posted by bliss

Back in the day....

How many Club Cobra Forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a light bulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty
5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs
15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and their own light bulbs
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs"
4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.

let me guess....Patrick started the light bulb thread......

[bliss]

Some statements don't make sense....

When people say, "It's always the last place you look". (No kiddin'! Why would you keep looking after you've found what you're looking for?)

When someone tells me that something is "new and improved." (Which is it? If it's new, then there's never been anything before it. If it's improved, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.)

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". (Of course I do. What good is cake if you can't eat it?)

When people say "life is short". (No it isn't. Name me one other single thing that people participate in that's longer)
_____

Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
If it wasn’t for Chevy's,
our tools would rust.
_____

Not funny, just an old quote..

"When you see that in order to produce, you need to obtain permission from men who produce nothing - When you see that money is flowing to those who deal, not in goods, but in favors - When you see that men get richer by graft and by pull than by work, and your laws don't protect you against them, but protect them against you - When you see corruption being rewarded and honesty becoming a self sacrifice - You may know that your society is doomed."

Ayn Rand

Atlas Shrugged, 1957

[tcrist]

3 or 4 to ask what your intentions are, how origional do you want it and what your budget is like so we can narrow down what "WE" think you actually need.

Even though the only question is how to "CHANGE" the formentioned light bulb/lamp.

[letsboogie351]

An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.

When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says, "What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?"

The old guy says in reply "Yeah. One time I screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."


A man goes to the market to buy a rooster, a hen and a drake
He leaves the market carrying thr rooster under his left arm, the drake under his right arm and the hen in both hands in front of him. He slips and falls and the animals escape. He calls to a woman across the street "quick, grab my cock pullet and duck".

[dave from mesa]

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him .........
but they kind of taste like peppermint.

[bliss]

Incoming...

[bliss]

Let's say you're walking home one night thinking about those silly Batman movies...

[bliss]

Occasionally, things work out just fine....

[bliss]

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely, stunningly beautiful desert (and deserted)Islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The 2 Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming...

The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The 2 Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant, and a laundromat. And have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for the store.

The 2 American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and at least the taxes are low, and it isn't raining....

The 2 Irish men have divided the Island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they are satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
_____

A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor replies "I know...I know..."placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is
fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
_____

A man walked into his local crowded bar pulled out a revolver and waved it around yelling "who in here is having sex with my wife". A voice from the back yelled back, "your going to need more ammo!"