Jokes

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by Jeff Foxworthy:

If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but gives twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If, in the nation’s largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If an 80-year-old woman or a three-year-old girl who is confined to a wheelchair can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is “cute,” but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion, while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing, and free cell phones — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

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Does anyone have time to help this lady?

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What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing?

Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
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A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m traveling light.
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When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
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A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.
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Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.
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The Italian man said, 'Last week my wife and I had great sex when I rubbed her body all over with olive oil and we made passionate love and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.'

The Frenchman boasted, 'Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter and made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.'

The Jewish man said, 'Well, last week my wife and I also had sex and I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz [chicken fat] and we made love and she screamed for over six hours.'

The other two were stunned and the amazed Frenchman asked, 'What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?'

The Jewish man said, 'I wiped my hands on the bedspread.

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The 10 Cars With the Most Obnoxious Drivers

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See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common?
1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess
Are you peeking or have you already given up?
Give it another try....
Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. This is so cool.....
No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters….

Answer is below!



























Answer:
In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send this to more people and stump them as well. Then, you'll feel better too.

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Why Russions have dashboard cameras

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An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..

Holding the bucket up, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

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Marketing...

This will clear up any confusion ......

You're a woman and you see a handsome man at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome man.
One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising..

You see a handsome man at a party.
You go up to him and get his telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

You see a man at a party, you straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink.
You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm...
And then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome man.
He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome man.
He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you.
That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing.
So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the centre and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.

I hope you all have a complete understanding of Marketing now.
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Another issue I'll be facing.....Just Damn!

We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."

All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.

"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."
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Twelve Steps to Not Thinking

I was a lot like you: carefree, happy and blissful. This was before my life took a tragic turn, a turn which I sense you are on the verge of taking. There is no longer any hope for me, unfortunately, but perhaps my story will prevent you from falling into the abyss into which I have been thrown.

It started out innocently enough, I began to think at parties, now and then, just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than a social thinker. I began to think alone. To relax, I tried to delude myself, even though I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally, I was thinking all the time.

I began to think in the workplace. I knew that thinking and working didn’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself. I began to avoid my friends and co-workers at lunch time so I could read Kafka and Thoreau. I would return to the office dizzied, confused and barely able to function, asking, “What IS it exactly we’re doing here?”

Things weren’t going great at home, either. One evening I had impulsively turned off the TV, and asked my wife, “What is the meaning of life?” She spent the night at her mother’s.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day, the boss called me in and said, “Bob, I like you and it hurts me to say this, but all this thinking you’ve been doing has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go.” That gave me a lot to think about!

I came home early after my conversation with the boss.

“Honey,” I confessed, “I’ve been thinking.”

“I know you’ve been thinking,” she said, “and I want a divorce.”

“But honey, surely it’s not that serious!”

“It is that serious,” she sobbed, her lower lip quivering. “You think as much as a college professor, and college professors don’t make any money. So if you keep thinking, we’ll soon be in the poorhouse.”

“That’s a faulty syllogism!” I said impatiently, and she burst into tears.

I’d had enough. “I’m going to the library,” I snarled, and stomped out the door. I headed for the library in the mood for some Nitzche. I tuned the car stereo to PBS. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors.

They didn’t open. The library was closed! To this day, I believe a higher power was watching over me that evening. As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Descartes, a poster caught my eye.

“Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it asked. You probably recognize that question. It’s used extensively in the Thinkers Anonymous advertising campaigns. It came as a revelation to me, and is largely the reason I am what I am today....a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. At each session we watch a non-educational video: last week it was “Porky’s.” Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, thanks to a kind and supportive boss, and things are a lot better now in our mindless home. Life just seems...easier, somehow, now that I’ve stopped thinking.
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Massive Ship Crashes Into Boats

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Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto ...

...and parked themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; as you can see, we're joined
side by side at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers on draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday
yet, boys"?

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England
every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim
agrees.

"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.

"Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
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[CobraEd]

Originally Posted by bliss

HAHAHA . . . I noticed this immediately !



.

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Today's exercise routine....

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The Interviewer said, “I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!”

Bubba thought for a while and said, “My choice is one really difficult question.”

“Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!” said the interviewer.

Here is your question: “What comes first, day or night?”

Bubba was jolted into reality as his admission depended on the correctness of the answer to that one question. He thought for a while and said, “It’s day, sir!”

“And how do you know that?” the interviewer
asked.

“Sorry sir, but you said you would only ask me one difficult question!”

Moral: Technical skill is the mastery of complexity, while creativity is the mastery of simplicity.
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Paddy goes into a Florist shop and says, "I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend".

The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"

"Sex", replied Paddy.
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Today's exercise routine....



This is why you don't brake-check a car in your motorcycle.

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The Best Trained Dog You'll See Today

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Psychiatrist phone

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

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Word for the Day: Nymphomaniac

A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.



Awesome....

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