Jokes

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Want some company, like forever....

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Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
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[bliss]

Where are my fries?



She can probably get her phone back tomorrow....

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Not funny, just 20 and ready to go..

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WHAT YOUR CAR SAYS ABOUT YOU

Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires.

Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states.

Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.

Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp.

Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating up people.

Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I
have a 'Vette.

Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis.

Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.

Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.

Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones.

Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes
when I pull up behind them.

Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.

Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.

Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit.

Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.

Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.

Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280
days per year.

Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.

Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.

Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.

Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler.

MGB - I am dating a mechanic.

Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.

Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.

Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.

Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock.

Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be
inaccessible to me.

Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too
liberal.

Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet.

Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns.

Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet.

Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now.

Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife.
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I wonder what owning a Cobra says about you?

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A young virgin marries a Greek man. Just before the wedding, her father tells her that being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn over for love making one day. If she doesn't want to do it that way he tells her, she doesn't have to. Sure enough, after a couple of months her husband asks her to turn over for sex. "No way," the girl protested.

"Dad said I didn't have to do that!" "OK," replied the husband, "but I thought you wanted children!"
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[bliss]

Sad, but also sort of funny....



Lunch time...

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In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."
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3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!

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[letsboogie351]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."

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Recycling at its best.....

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Best sign yet....



Did you hear about the deaf Islamic fundamentalist who blew up the wine aisle in Walmart?

He thought he had to bring death to all zinfandels.
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A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
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The criminal mastermind at work......

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After seeing this, I'm thinking a little differently about elephants...

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My mother-in-law has been moaning for two days about me not fixing the broken step that leads to the basement. I should probably go down there and check on her; she sounds like she's in a lot of pain.
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Q: Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don't?

A: The bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
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In Birmingham, a fire destroyed a multi storey block of flats. A Indian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven Pakistani benefit cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they too all perished in the fire.

Six Bangladeshi ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too died.

Four Eastern European families in the 2 flats on the 4th floor also perished.

One white couple lived on the top floor. They survived.

Relatives of the deceased and local do-gooders were furious. They quickly demanded a meeting with the Council and a senior fire officer.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Asians, Muslims, Pakistanis Bangladeshis East Europeans all died in the fire and only the white couple survived.

The Fire Officer quietly replied, "They were both at work."
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[tcrist]

Priceless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bliss]

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, I
wanna watch.
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A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
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My wife went into the lounge last night and asked my son “Where’s the thing that changes the TV channels ? It’s always on the sofa right there”.

My son answered …. “I think he said that he was going down to the pub”
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A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow: I give 12 gallon of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!

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