Jokes

[bliss]

George decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, George and his new wife was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks, "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married I think it's time you quit golfing.
Maybe you should sell your clubs and golf cart."

George gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong"?
George says, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife" she screams! "I didn't know you were married before!!!"
George retorts, "I wasn't..."
_____

Redneck test....

I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and we challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound opossum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '86 Dodge Diplomat
(C) '80 Ford pickup.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a Chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't cha?
It's okay if ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya there's a hole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare ya for in this life.
_____

Hilarous laws....

Law of equality:
The time taken by a wife when she says I'll get ready in 5 minutes is exactly equal to the time taken by husband when he says 'I'll call you in 5 minutes!

Law of Queue:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy tone.

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Bath Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Bio mechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:
People with the seats at the farthest from the entry arrive last.

Law of Proposal:
After you accept a proposal you will get a better one...

Law of getting late:
When you reach early for something it will never start on time.

[bliss]

This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man.

I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. "I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I was released from prison."
_____

"I better pee first."

- me, before doing anything.
_____

I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms.'

He said, 'Just a minute.'

And I said, 'Yep, that's my brand.'
_____

[SMOKNAC]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the beach.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said
'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'



She replied,'Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen.'
*****************************
A smile - is a sign of joy.
A hug - is a sign of love.
A laugh - is a sign of happiness.
And a friend like me??
Hell...that's just a sign of good taste!!

[bliss]

I thought my dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
_____

It might be time to quit driving when Siri tells you, "In 400 feet, stop and let me out!"
_____

So I was having lunch with Bobby Fischer, the former world chess champion, and the table had a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass the salt.

I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself. When did I get a wife?

I may not know what I'm doing, but I'm pretty sure I'm doing it brilliantly.

A dollar may not go as far as it used to, but what it lacks in distance, it makes up for in speed.

There's nothing wrong with teenagers that 30 years won't fix.

Is there a Bureau of Missing Personalities?

I know I'm beautiful on the inside ... I have the colonoscopy video to prove it.

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

In a recent poll, 60 percent of people believe their workplace is louder now than it was five years ago. The other 40 percent didn't hear the question.

Yeah, I'm a bird lover. Mostly chicken. Mostly fried.

I was visiting a monastery recently and I saw a sign that read, "In case of fire, break vow of silence."
_____

"My wife decided to see what it was like dressing up like one of those Muslim women in a hijab. Well, today she was punched in the face, spat at, slapped and got kicked up the #$%$. God knows what is to happen when she actually leaves the house”.
_____

I just saw a hot mom at McDonald's spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
_____

When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it's not what you think...

[SMOKNAC]

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it . . . Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain . . . good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

[bliss]

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some friends and have some hot wings and a cold beer.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators: I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot.”
_____

Top 5 Most Dangerous U.S. Cities

#5. Chicago. 1,000 violent homicides in 2016
#4. New York City. 800 shooting deaths in 2016
#3. Los Angeles. 700 murders in 2016
#2. Portland, Maine Heroin addiction up 47% in last ten years

#1 Most Dangerous City in America:
Las Vegas. Free booze and 24-hour wedding chapels
_____

[bliss]

Bubba is driving down a road and sees a sign that says, "Watch for Fallen Rocks." A few miles later, he sees some rocks at the side of the road. So he stops and picks some up.

When he gets to the next town, he carries the rocks into the Highway Maintenance office. He walks over to the counter and dumps the rocks on top. He looks at the man behind the counter and says - "Here are your fallen rocks... now, where's my watch?"
_____

Men, don't be fooled by maxi pad commercials.

Ladies are not really full of blue windshield washer fluid.
_____

[bliss]

Blondes

- What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

- Why do blondes get confused in the ladies' room?
They have to pull their own pants down.

- What's the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons?
You CAN sit upright in a car.

- What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

- What do blondes use for protection during sex?
Bus shelters.

- Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
Red means stop.

- What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
Not everyone has been in a limousine.

- What do you call a fly buzzing around a blonde's head?
A space invader.
_____

Wife:
"Look, I haven't
worn this in 8 years
and it still fits!"

Husband:
"For God's sake
woman, it's a scarf!"
_____

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.

Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.

Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.

Tequila® may not be right for everyone.

Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila®. Leave Shyness Behind

[bliss]

Mondays, they are like that.



Open carry in Texas....

[bliss]

Me: "You're like a drug to me."
Wife: "You mean I'm addictive."
Me: "No. I mean I can only take you in small doses."
_____

[bliss]

If a man sleeps with a lot of women, he gets called a stud. If a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she gets called a lot.
_____

Eye.Watch.Cape.Horn.

Repeat these words faster and faster.
_____

The teacher asks the class if 3 birds are sitting on a wire, and a hunter shoots one, how many are left?

Little Johnny blurts out "None!, they'll all fly away when they hear the shot!"

The teacher pauses, and says, "Well, that's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you think Little Johnny".

Little Johnny replies, "My hand is in my pocket, and I feel something round and hard with a head on it". What is it?

The teacher turns red and says, "Johnny, we don't talk about those things in school".

Little Johnny pulls out his hand and says, "It's just a Quarter!" but I like the way you think!
_____

Surround yourself with people who have issues.
People with issues always have alcohol.
_____

[bliss]

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside.

There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35." He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35."

He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."
_____

[bliss]

Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
But if you gotta be the bug, show'em what you're made of!

As long as the subject is bugs and windshields, here's a riddle:

Q: What the last thing that went through the bug's mind when he hit the windshield?

A: His @$$.
_____

[bliss]

One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, “When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately.”
Now, why would you want me to do something like that?” She asked.
“I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other a$$hole using my stuff.”
She looked at me intently and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another a$$hole?”
_____

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you’re seventy..............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re seventy...............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you’re seventy...............who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you’re seventy...............who cares?

[520SC]

THIS IS NOT A JOKE. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME TWO DAYS AGO.

Car Owner: "I need a safety inspection. Do I need to make an appointment or can I just drive the car in?"

Safety Inspection Station: "You can just drive it in. What kind of car is this?"

Car Owner: "It's a 1966 Shelby AC Cobra replica."

Safety Inspection Station: "How many sets of keys do you have for the car?"

Car Owner: "Sets of keys?"

Safety Inspection Station: "Yeah, I have three mechanics on site and each one will have to test drive the car before I can issue you a safety inspection sticker."

[SMOKNAC]

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her butt with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cab driver hit a parked car.

[bliss]

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.
_____

Guy science:

The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
_____

When does a woman want a man's company?

When he owns it.
_____

A man is pulled over by a cop for speeding.

The cop, however, is a riddle lover and tells the man that he would be free to go without a ticket if he solved his riddle correctly.

The man accepted, and the cop told him: "you're on a dark road, late in the evening. On the opposite side, you see two lights coming towards you. What is it?" "Why, a car" immediately answers the man. "You needed to be more precise", says the cop, "it could have been a Land Rover, an Opel, an Audi... Sorry, but I have to fine you."

A bit sad, but still convinced that if the riddles were this simple he could solve a different one, the man asks for a rematch. The cop accepts and asks him: "You're on a dark road, late in the evening. On the opposite side, you see one light coming towards you. What is it?" "Well, it's most certainly a motorbike" answers the man. "You needed to be more precise" again says the cop, "it could have been a Yamaha, a Kawasaki, a BMW... I'll have to fine you."

"Okay, go on. But I would like to tell you a riddle as well." "Let's hear it." "You're on a dark road, late in the evening. On the sidewalk, you see a semi-naked woman. What is it?" "Well, it's definitely a prostitute." "You needed to be more precise", said the man, "it could have been your mother, your daughter, your sister, your wife..."
_____

My wife told me she wants to have sex in the back seat of our car. She wants me to drive.
_____

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

[SMOKNAC]

Couples Therapy, part 217

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

[bliss]

A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken. The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, “Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die...”
_____

There was this ancient story teller...

One of his stories was about a Kingdom that was having a lot of crime so the King said, "Whoever comes up with a solution that works will be greatly rewarded."

Many tried but their solutions did not work until this Old Man said he had the solution.

He asked to tear down all the jails and prisons. Then he had one jail for one person built.

Right away they had someone who committed a crime.

The Old Man said, "Put him in jail."

Very soon another committed a crime and the officers came to ask the Old Man what to do with him to which the Old Man answered, Kill the first one and put this one in jail!"

That ended the crime in the Kingdom.
_____

How do you determine the difference between an Aghan wedding and a meeting of Taliban leaders? Hell, I have no idea, I just fly the drone.

[bliss]

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but a briefcase..."