Jokes

[bliss]

My Ex-Girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I was terrible in bed.

Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.
_____

How can you tell if a man hasn't gotten laid in a while?



He's wearing a wedding ring.
_____

My horoscope was so wrong today…

I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
_____

[bliss]

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city one evening.
They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley.
Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.

"Help me, I've been mugged and beaten," he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away.
One remarked to her colleague, "You know, the person who did this really needs help."
_____

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course,
heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"
"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.
"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while,
and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile,
She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!" I said.
_____

GODS PLAN FOR AGING.....


Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom,
God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses,
keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom, He made seniors
lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have
additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom,
thus providing more exercise.
God looked down and saw that it was good.

So - if you find as you age that you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will.
It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart.
If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years -
unless you give them your email address.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

[bliss]

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
.
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth.”
.
Dr. Young: “Aaagh!! This is Gasoline!"
.
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.”
.
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
.
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
.
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"
.
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
.
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see anything!!!!"
.
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
.
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
.
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
.
Moral of the story: Just because you're ‘Young’ doesn't mean that you can outsmart an ‘old Geezer’!
.
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off. (Especially Jamo)

[bliss]

I saw two guys walking down the street in matching clothing.

I asked if they were gay. They quickly arrested me.
_____

I bought some Gourmet salt.

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million-year-old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiration date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time.
_____

I just had a near-sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.
_____

A Canadian is just an unarmed American with health insurance.
_____

I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website.

That lying bi*^h isn’t “fun to be around”.
_____

[SMOKNAC]

The Robot:

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn’t even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

The Robot for is sale.

[bliss]

Philosophy for today.....

I found this timely because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?" I looked at her, and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond. ...Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance.'

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ' The' and ' IRS ' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

[bliss]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was
driving their perfect car along a winding road when they
noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas,
the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deterioated and
the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?




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The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women - Stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

For all you men - Keep scrolling

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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus,
the perfect woman must have been driving.
And that explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading this,
it just illustrates another point.
Women never listen either.

[bliss]

A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army!

The interviewer, "We want a person with a suspicious mind, always alert,
merciless, ready to attack, an acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly, having a KILLER INSTINCT !!!
So do you think you are eligible?"

Man, "No Sir, but........ can my Wife apply..?"
_____

An old French lady had a small shop in her village for years,
until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop.

They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said: "Butter - 10 Francs"

In response, the lady added a sign to her own window: "Butter - 9 Francs"

The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign: "Butter - 8 Francs"
Sure enough, the day after the lady's sign now read: "7 Franc."

This went on for a while until eventually one of the lady's customers pointed to the sign and said, "Madam, you cannot keep your prices so low for long.
These big companies can use their buying power to sell products cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete."

In response, the old lady bent forward conspiratorially and muttered, "Monsieur, I don't even sell butter."
_____

When a fly falls into a cup of coffee……

The Italian – throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.

The German – carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.

The Frenchman – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.

The Chinese – eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

The Russian – Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.

The Israeli – sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

The Palestinian – blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of tea to the Palestinian, so there will be peace!

[bliss]

A guy went into a bar and tried to order a fruit punch.

The bartender said, "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line."

The guy looked around but there was no punch line.

[bliss]

Sort of like building a Cobra.....

https://streamable.com/20pa

[FWB]

they're going over to patrick's house for tech tips

[SMOKNAC]

Thoughts to ponder...

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

[bliss]

Now that food has replaced sex in my life,

I can't even get into my own pants.
_____

I bought a box of Animal Crackers and it said on it: "Do not eat if seal is broken."

So I opened the box and sure enough............................................ .........
_____

Japanese scientists have invented a camera with a shutter that operates so incredibly fast, it was recently able to take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut
_____

Sam had proposed to young Lisa and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.

"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.

"Yes, sir," replied Sam, "I am."

"Well," said Lisa's father, "think carefully now. There are six of us."
_____

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."
_____

[bliss]

The Sacred Code of Conduct for Men

Moses had his commandments. Hippocrates had his oath. But the sacred code of conduct binding all men have always been unwritten...until now.


😝 Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

😌 (The Sergeant Schultz Rule): When queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.


😇 Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.


😎 Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move furniture: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident. Acceptable excuse for not helping the friend of a friend move furniture: You'd rather stay home and watch Speed Racer reruns.


😎 (The Tuxedo Cloaking Rule): A 'best-man toast' must not include the following phrase: "When we were down in Tijuana...."


😒 Under no circumstances may two men ever share an umbrella.


😘 If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.


😇 The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of 'hotness' she scores on the classic 1-10 rating scale.

😓 Whining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature's unsuitable.


😤 (The Patton Principle): Falling on a grenade for a buddy (i.e., agreeing to distract the shan-ked friend of the hot babe he's trying to score), is your legal duty. But, should you get actually 'get lucky' with her later, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.


😉 On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.


😎 (The Hand-off Catechism): Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission; and he, in return, is required to grant it.


😈 Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies, until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.


😜 If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.


😁 No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your best buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)


😎 The universal compensation for buddies who help you move, is beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of boxes) x (flights of stairs) ÷ dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = number of beers owed. Plus several Bonus Beers for the friend who owns the truck.


😈 You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into the ceiling fan.

😎 Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.


😏 When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.


😈 (The Mercy Rule): When your girlfriend/ wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with one of your pals, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy, and give him adequate time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

😎 It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.


😈 Only in a situation of mortal peril are you allowed to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.


😁 Unless you're in prison, never ever fight naked.


😒 (The Body Heat Rule): A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.


😜 The third, fourth, and fifth rules of Fight Club: If your buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, 'What this guy needs is a good ass-whupping,' you may stand back and enjoy.


😎 Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.


😈 When picking players for a sports team, it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes - as long as you don't let him be the last sorry SOB standing on the sidelines.


😌 If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.


😈 Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.


😒 Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.


😉 Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you're on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation needed.


😇 Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you're able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; hang up if necessary.


😈 You cannot rat on a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with Limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor's broken,
and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.


😎 If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car radio, you may not chime in, even if it's the chorus to "Wooly Bully." Better response: Tell him to shut his pie hole.


😜 When a buddy is trying to hit on a hot chick, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of getting any either.

😈 Things you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SATs, and your résumé. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.


😈 Before allowing a drunken pal to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "Screw You!" you are absolved of responsibility. Remember: Later on you will have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.

😂 (The Sk@nk Rule): You may swear friends to secrecy about a sexual escapade only if there's a chance the woman in question will become your girlfriend. If you're imprudent enough to get caught bagging an undesirable female, then the anecdote will stay in the guy public domain right through your bachelor party.


😎 Always split aces and eights. No arguments.

[bliss]

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.

"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with".

"That's fair enough" I replied "When can you start?"
_____

When they told you to seek attention... they meant "medical", not "internet".
_____

A child with an imaginary friend is normal.

An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,

And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.
_____

[bliss]

King Arthur and the Witch

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by
Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he
could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to
figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he
would be put to death.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to
young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.

Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's
proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom
and began to poll everybody: the princesses, the prostitutes, the
priests, the wise men, the court jester, et al.

He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she
would know the answer. The price would be high since the witch was
famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The
last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk
to the witch.

She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price
first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the noblest of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous,
had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene
noises...etc... He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He
refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a
burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him
that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's
question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her
own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and
that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring
monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief
and anguish. The old witch put her worst manners on display and
generally made everyone very uncomfortable. Gawain was proper as
always, gentle, and courteous.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific
night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful
woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what
had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd
been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self,
and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would
he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament: During
the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in
the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having
by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many
intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, What would be your
choice?



😈


😈


😈


😈


😈


Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon
hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own
life.

And what is the moral of this story?

The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly,
underneath it all, she's still a witch -- and don't you forget it!

[bliss]

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial, he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
_____

"Teacher: "If I had eight flies on my desk and swatted one, how many would be left?"
Little Johnny: "Just the dead one."
_____

My wife caught me masturbating.

I tried explaining to her that technically it was her fault.
_____

"Daddy, I need to tell you what my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He said I have a beautiful chassis, voluptuous airbags, and slammin' bumper."

Dad to daughter: "Tell your boyfriend that if he tries to open your hood and check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that is headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe!"
_____

Guys who see this will immediately understand. To all you gals out there, I hope this clarifies some mistaken impressions of how guy brains work!

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment some cute slim starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly
optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the
birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other guy watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's
officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model
and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend'
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before
the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue..

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for
Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an
Xbox 1. End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.

I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Man Laws.

Ride of your life

[bliss]

[POT8OS]

I was pulled over by the police........The policeman said.....We have been chasing you for 15 miles......I said I'm sorry,but a policeman ran off with my wife......And I thought you were bringing her back...

[bliss]

"Geezers" (slang for an old man) are easy to spot:

At sporting events, during the playing of
the National Anthem, Old Geezers hold
their caps over their hearts and sing without
embarrassment. They know the words and
believe in them.

Old Geezers remember the Depression, World
War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy
and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age,
the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age
and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam.

If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk,
he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer
on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a
lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are
courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door
for the next person and always, when walking,
make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses
in front of women and children and they don't like
any filth on TV or in movies. Old Geezers have
moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's
about their grandchildren.

It's the Old Geezers who know our great country
is protected, not by politicians or police, but by
the young men and women in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old Geezers with their decent
values. We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Geezers!
_____

Old Geezer's advice....

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get
older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a
lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.