Jokes

[bliss]

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
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We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
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[bliss]

If the woman is always right, and a man is always wrong.
Then, if a man tells a woman that she's right.
Is the man right or wrong?
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Life before the computer...

* Memory was something that you lost with age

* An application was for employment

* A program was a TV show

*A cursor used profanity

* A keyboard was a piano

* A web was a spider's home

* A virus was the flu

* A CD was a bank account

* A hard drive was a long trip on the road

* A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

* And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
.....you just hoped nobody found out
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Flat screens are nice and all, but they'll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
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Sitting around at Christmas with my great grandma and she starts laughing.

I ask her, "What's so funny?"

She replies, "Everyone here is alive because I got laid."
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I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

[bliss]

They say the average person has sex 119 times a year. Looks like I'm in for a wild ride for the next two weeks.
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Why do medications always have side effects like 'anal leakage' & 'suicidal thoughts'?

Why not 'invisibility' or 'spontaneous orgasms'?
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I love this time of year.

You can slam your laptop shut when your GF walks into the room and you don't get any disgusted looks.
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Of all the bodily functions that could be contagious, I'm glad it's the yawn.
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Why Fonts matter.....

[bliss]

Not funny, but......

An eagle was fitted with a camera and released from the top of the 2,715 foot Burj Khalifa in Dubai, the world's tallest building, on Saturday, 14th March, 2016. The eagle's handler is standing among islands, buildings and people. Somehow from that altitude, the eagle actually picks out and recognizes the trainer from all of the other objects, and people. You can see it searching for its trainer. Completely invisible to a human eye and the camera, it then fold its wings and drops like a bullet straight to its trainer. What surprised the experts is how efficiently the eagle spots its trainer from that altitude. Even more impressive is how smooth its flight is with no camera shake whatsoever, even when it goes into a power dive. Here's the film.

World Record Eagle Flight From World's Tallest Building

Hood ornament for your Cobra?

[bliss]

On a rainy afternoon, a group of protesters gathered outside a grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America.

A young (20-ish) female protester offered a pamphlet to a frail and elderly woman, which she politely declined.

The young protester gently put her hand on the old woman's shoulder and in a patronizing voice she said, "Don't you care about the children of Syria?"

The old woman looked up at her and said: "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so a naive, ignorant, self-centered bimbo like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country—and if you touch me again, I'll shove this umbrella up your butt and open it."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, don't it?

[bliss]

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
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The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"*

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"*

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."*

"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"*

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her pennyless with three children?"*

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."*

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a gray t-shirt every day because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook.

[bliss]

A license is what you get when the government steals your rights and then sells them back to you.
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I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry.
Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And that's the last thing I remember…
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A woman from rural Georgia and a Lady from London were seated side by side on an airplane.
The woman from Georgia, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?"

The Lady from London said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The woman from Georgia sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, b!tch?"

[bliss]

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl, both box seats. He paid $1,700 each and didn't realize last yr when he bought them that this was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place. It's at St Peter's Church, in Spring Branch at 3pm. Her name is Sally, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook. She will be the one in the white dress.
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A young man walked into a dentist's office and said, " Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."

The dentist said, "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

"Yes, I know," the man said.

The dentist asked, "So then why did you come in here?"

The man replied, "The light was on."
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While at the gym today I wound up on a treadmill next to a well-built young woman known to be an unapproachable iceberg. Being many years her senior I didn't think she'd consider a benign conversation as an attempted pickup, so I casually asked her what New Year's resolutions she'd made.
She snapped her head toward me and said, "*uck you!"
I'm pretty excited about 2017.
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[bliss]

I bought a book called "Beating Addiction" yesterday. I haven't been able to put it down.
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I'm not an alcoholic...........................

...........I just like having an attractive wife.
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I was recently attacked by a tobacconist.

I've still got the cigars to prove it.
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According to the CDC the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 70's and 80's that brought you any level of fame.
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According to all these BMI charts I need to gain height next year.
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Have you ever wondered if the dollar bills in your wallet or purse were ever in a stripper’s butt crack?
If not. You’re wondering now. Have a nice day!
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Happy New Year everyone!

[bliss]

A Little kid was having a problem with his homework.
Dad, he asked, "What is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
"Well, son," Said his father, "I'll give you a practical demonstration."
His father picked up the phone and dialed a number.
"Hello," said a voice at the other end.
"Hello," said his father. "Is Melvin there?"
"There is no one called Melvin here!" The voice replied.
"Why don't you look up numbers before you dial them?"

"You see?" Said the kid's father.
"That man was not at all happy with our call.
Now watch this!"'
He then dialed the number again, and says, "Hello, is Melvin there?"
"Now look here!" The voice said angrily.
"I told you there is no Melvin here!
You have got a lot of nerve calling again!"
"Did you hear that?" The kid's father asked.
"That was anger.
Now, I will show you what exasperation is!"

He dialed once again.
And on hearing the voice at the other end, he said, "Hello! This is Melvin.
Have there been any calls for me?"
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New Year Wishes

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastroenterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber and the I.R.S.

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

May New Year's Eve find you seated around the table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends. May you find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.

May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may the commercials on TV not be louder than the program you have been watching, and may your check book and your budget balance - and include generous amounts for charity.

May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent, your siblings; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.

And may we live in a world at peace and with the awareness of God's love in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile, every lover's kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.

[SMOKNAC]

Saying goodbye to mother

We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Year’s Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.’

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!’

The cab driver hit a parked car.

[bliss]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
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Guns......

You may have heard about the Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable".

In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit."

In Minnesota & Wisconsin, he’d be called “ALMOST ready for deer season".

In Arizona, he'd be called "An avid gun collector."

In Arkansas, he'd be called "A novice gun collector."

In Utah, he'd be called "Moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."

In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'go-to' guy."

In Alabama, he'd be called "A likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Georgia, he'd be called "An eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "A deer hunting buddy."

And in Texas, he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."

[bliss]

William Golding
British Novelist, Playwright & Poet

I think women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men.
They are far superior and always have been.
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she will give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she will give you a Home.
If you give her groceries, she will give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh!t !
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How do you know when your girlfriend has gained too much weight?

When she starts fitting into your wife's clothes.
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[bliss]

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship...

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do fart a lot."
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[bliss]

After a very busy day, Peggy settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Manhattan for the 'burbs.

As the train rolled out of the station, one last passenger jumped on the train and got the last seat .... right next to Peggy.

Naturally, he pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

"Hi sweetheart, it's Eric! ... I'm on the train.
Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting ... No, honey, not with that floozie frrom the accounts office, with the boss.
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life .... yes, I'm sure, cross my heart," etc., etc.

It was nauseating. And no matter how much Peggy glared at him, cleared her throat, or otherwise tried to express her disapproval over his rudeness, he completely ignored her.

Fifteen minutes later, she got an idea. She leaned in close to him and said in her most sensual, pouty voice aimed right at his phone:

"Hey, Eric, sweetie! Turn off that stupid phone and come back to bed!"

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

[bliss]

After observing Earth two aliens are having a conversation.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have their weapons aimed at themselves."
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Quickest way to get over someone?

4 wheel drive.
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Every day I try to learn from the mistakes...

of people who took my advice.
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[bliss]

Interviewer: So tell me about yourself.

Applicant: I'd rather not... I really want this job.
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The wife was looking very pleased with herself this morning. She found something that still fits from her school days: a pair of earrings.
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You think you've got problems?

I dropped my cocaine in the snow this morning.
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[bliss]

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs.





When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.





In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.


Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.





So I decided I needed a girl with stability.


When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.


She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.


Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.





When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her.


She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.


She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.


She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.


So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.





When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.


She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.





I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.

[Ang]

Hey, not sure if your interested but a friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl, both box seats. He paid $1500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at St Clair Church, on Rutherford Ave at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress. ��

[bliss]

A guy was driving down the highway with his blond girlfriend when she said to him, 'I think those people in the car next to us are from another country.

'Why is that?' he said.

'Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says, ...'stit ruoy su wohs'.
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Job interview in a psychiatry:

So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people?

I’ve been on ClubCobra for 5 years now.

Very good, the job is yours.
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My wife said I'm a useless, lazy slob and she deserves better. I said, "You woke me up at 3 p.m. just to tell me that?"
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Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy
this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy
"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
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