Jokes

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English ... Chinese

That's not right ... Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive? ... Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP ... Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man ... Dum Fuk
Small Horse ... Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? ... Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table ... Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift ... Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here ... Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet ... Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone ... No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week... Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile ... Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive ... Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great ... Fa Kin Su Pa
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How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg- lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower and stand on bath mat.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
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How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat.

Dry off forearms and butt only.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

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PEPITO STRIKES AGAIN...

A grade school teacher in Las Milpas asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Maria put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my abuelito's farm, and we all saw his pet cabrito. It was fascinating.

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Enriqueta shyly raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see the pyramids and I was fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Enriqueta, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Pepito raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Pepito before.

She finally gave in and decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Pepito said, 'My Tia Ninfa has a sweater with ten buttons, but her chichis are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher cried.

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Actually, not a joke, just well done......



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A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second.

On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he’d be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he’d never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds.

He was jubilant.

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife’s condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, ‘You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!’

‘For the rest of her life she will require ‘round the clock care. And you’ll be her care giver forever!’

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, ‘I’m just fooling with you. She’s dead. What’d you catch?’.
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An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified — an American, a Russian, an Australian, and a Mexican.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answers would determine who among them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know?’

Steve, the American, replied, ‘A THOUGHT. It comes without any warning; it just pops into your head. A thought is the fastest thing that I know..’
‘That’s very good!’ replied the interviewer.

‘And now you sir?’ he asked Vladimir, the Russian. ‘Hmm.... let me see.
A blink! It comes and goes without you knowing that it ever happens. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know.’ ‘Excellent!’ said the interviewer.
‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed’

He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply.
‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, the light in the barn comes on way out across the pasture. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.’ The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light,’ he said.

Turning to Eleuterio, the Mexican, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Eleuterio replied, ‘Pues Apter herring da 3 preybeus ansers sir, et’s obeus to me dat the fastest ting is Diarrhea.’

‘WHAT!?’ said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were giggling in their seats...’Oh, I can espleyn sir,’ said Eleuterio.

‘You see, sir, da ader day my istumach was peeling Bad and so I run so fast to the bathroom, but bepore I could TINK, BLINK, or TURN ON DE LIGHT, sir, I had alreydi shet in my pants!’

Eleuterio is now the new ‘Greeter’ at Wal-Mart.
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An amazing thing happened to me this morning.

I was riding on the interstate in the second-from-the-left lane. I never cruise in the far left lane because I am not MENTALLY RETARDED. So I was riding along and the car in front of me was going kinda slower than me so I moved over to the far left lane to go past him. Well, by the time I went past him, I already had a car coming up behing me, so I switched lanes back into the second-from-the-left-lane.

An amazing thing happened.

Traffic flowed. See how that worked? It was amazing..... Nobody had to wait on anybody and nobody was inconvenienced because of the stupidity of some driver thats completely oblivious to whats going on around him and never ever looks in the rear view mirror to see that loooooong line of cars behind him.
If there is a loooooong line of cars behind you...guess what....YOU ARE GOING TOO SLOW!! PUT DOWN THAT GIANT JELLY DOUGHNUT AND GET OFF THE PHONE!! LOOK AROUND YOU. SEE ALL THOSE PEOPLE?? THEY LIKE GOING HOME. THEY ENJOY BEING HOME. THEY DON’T LIKE SPENDING ALL DAY BEHIND YOU. SOME PEOPLE HAVE PLACES TO GO. JUST BECAUSE YOU CHOOSE TO TAKE 4 HOURS TO DRIVE TWO MILES TO THE DAIRY QUEEN TO GET ANOTHER CHOCOLATE FUDGE COVERED CHEESEBURGER (whats that...five today) THAT DOESN’T MEAN THAT OTHER PEOPLE DON’T HAVE A LIFE AND CHOOSE NOT TO SPEND HALF OF IT ON THE ROAD BEHIND YOU!!!!!

And by the way... its OK to accelerate. Your engine is not going to fall out if you accelerate faster than 5 mph every two minutes. When the light turns green, you don’t have to wait until the car in front of you is 1000 feet ahead before you decide to go. There are people behind you. They would like to get through the light too.

thankyouhaveaniceday

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Rules of Bedroom Golf


1.Each course is privately owned, use of the course is by invitation only.

2.The course may not be in ‘ready to play’ condition on your arrival. Warm-up and practice areas are available on a limited basis. It is always considered bad form to begin playing a hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will spend considerable time admiring the course, paying special attention to the well-formed bunkers.

3.The course owner is the single defining authority on ‘out-of-bounds’ play. If a portion of the course is temporarily under repair, player is advised to find alternate means of play.

4.Access to some portions of the course is restricted. Players are cautioned to always play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner. Players are advised to always obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

5.Replay of a particular hole will be allowed, especially if it was initially well-played. It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times in one match.

6.Scorekeeping is the responsibility of each player. No scores are to be published.

7.Players who may be unable to achieve par for the course will be directed to the driving range, where they can individually shoot a bucket of balls.

8.Generally, playing is by paired twosomes. Threesomes & foursomes are only allowed on special occasions. Leave your caddy at home.

9.The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

10.Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible, until the course owner is satisfied.

11.For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play to commence.

12.Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so as to avoid damage to the course. Use of oversized clubs is always at the course owner’s discretion.

13.Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.

14.Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played recently to the owner of the course presently being played.

15.Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

16.Course owner shall be the judge of who is the best player.

17.It is considered bad form to reveal to other players that you have ever played a particular course.

18.Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
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One evening John and the guys were hitting the Guinness at the pub and having a contest to see who could come up with the best toast. John hoisted his beer high and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" With that, he was instantly awarded the prize of Toast of the Night.

Later that evening, he went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night.""Aye," she said, "and what was your toast?""Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife!" he replied. "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Did you know John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary?"

"Aye," she said. "I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

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A son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'

The mother looks at her son and replies,

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,


'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

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Attack Squirrel of Death

I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.

Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being "behind the power curve". It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up.

Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle.at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.

I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!

Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness, all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway.

I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that "edge" so frequently required when riding. Little did I suspect.

As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it-it was that close.

I hate to run over animals.and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for "Banzai!" or maybe "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.

Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street.and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.

I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.

That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel.
This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel.
This was an evil attack squirrel of death!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!

The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in, well, I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle, my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however.

The rpm's on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.

Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand.I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked. Sort of. Spectacularly sort of, so to speak.

Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.

Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.

I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.

So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger.

That is one dangerous squirrel.

And now he has a patrol car.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood.

As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death...I'll take my chances with the freeway. Every time.

And I'll buy myself a new pair of gloves.

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A Somalian arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing,
food stamps, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passer-by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in Canada!'

The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada!'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not
Canadian!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Canadian?'

She says , 'No, I am from Africa!'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians?'

The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work' ...
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9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?


2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.


3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their
asses!


5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?' No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.


6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


8. When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
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"Emerging Intelligence"

Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.

The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons."

The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first spaceman says, "I don't think so...They have them aimed at themselves."
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Not a new one, just needs repeating.....

New Element discovered:

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

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HOW to SAVE the AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?


Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

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REDNECK CONTRACEPTION

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

** NOTE: This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Virginia, Mississippi and West Virginia. Florida just made the list.

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A man takes his family to a restaurant for a birthday meal. They decided to try a swish new restaurant in the town centre. As they are shown to their table, the man is impressed by the quiet efficiency of all the staff.

When the waiter has taken their order, the man says to him "Excuse me, but I couldn't help noticing all the waiters carry a dessert spoon in their top pockets. Why is this?"

"Well Sir" the waiter replies, "it's all about efficiency. We noticed that the item most frequently forgotten when setting the table is the spoon. We all carry a spoon to save time going back to the kitchen to get one."

"Very good" says the man, "but I have one more question. I also noticed a piece of string attached to the zip on the fly of your trousers. What's the purpose of that?"

The waiter leans forward and replies softly "There are actually two strings – one attached to the zip and one to the tool. It's all about efficiency. When we use the toilet, if we can avoid touching the tool, there is no need to stop to wash one's hands – this saves a great deal of precious time."

The man replies "That's a great idea……………………….but tell me, how do you put the tool away?"

The waiter leans forward again "Personally Sir, I use the spoon."

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The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian
gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite
bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a
spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to
the point where he led her back to his apartment
and, after some small talk, they retired to his
bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a
pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile,
'So, you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling
resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and
there were screams of passion. The sex finally
ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, 'You
finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile,
cuddled closer to him and softly said, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this
woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet
again. Using the last of his strength, he barely
managed it, but they ended together screaming,
bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely
able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes,
smiled proudly and asked again, 'You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered
in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian'

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Over heard while in surgery.


1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."

3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!

4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

5. Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.

6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex.

7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?

8. There go the lights again?

9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."

10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.

12. What's this doing here?

13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

14. That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!

15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

16. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?

17. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

18. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

19. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?

20. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

21. What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"

22. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

23. Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

[Ron61]

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST PSYCHIATRIC JOKE

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear

made of Saran Wrap.



The psychiatrist says, 'Well...I can clearly see your nuts.'

[cobra de capell]

When Chicago resident Nathan Radlich's house was burgled recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was 'a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder.' (That, at least, is the way the police report described it.) A spokesman for the Chicago police said, 'It looked similar to high grade cocaine.They probably thought they'd hit the big time.'

Later, Nathan stood in front of the numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister,Gertrude. She died three years ago.'

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Scotch-taped to the box was this note which said: 'Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day.
_____

tried out these Pringles Fat-Free chips because they were super low-cal. BBQ flavor. the ****.

The can said they had 70 calories per serving, which meant the whole can had 490 calories inside total. I could munch through a can in a day with my lunch, dinner, etc. So I got several cans, and began enjoying one a day for the past four days. But what they dont ****ing tell you...

Except in tiny print you cant read without a ****ing electron microscope

...is that the primary ingredient is something called "olean" which I have since learned is Latin for "Unwashable & Indestructible Ass Grease."

Oh Yeah. I'm not even kidding.

So today, while I'm standing in the living room debating whether or not Laundry or Dishes will get done first, I get the urge to fart. I live alone, so sweet. I let the honk loose and its wrong. Something just sounded wrong. I know my own wind, and I have never farted a sound that sounded like a fart wrapped in a pillow.

Oh yes, something was very wrong. I had just shat myself. But this evil olean makes sh*tting yourself sound almost like a regular fart, and had I not been particularly attentive, it could easily have gone unnoticed, I'm telling you. THAT's how utterly covert and evil this olean stuff is. What the ****?! What if I'd gone out to hang with friends or gone for a drive, what then?

So I walk carefully to the bathroom and disrobe. before I even sit on the toilet, I wad paper and carefully wipe from the front. Sure enough, it was light brown, and had the texture of soft spackle. You ****ing Pringle bastards.

I sat down and pushed a bit, and lo, out came a jet that I didnt even feel an urge for one minute earlier. It piled in the bowl like brown marshmallow fluff.

The problem rose when I tried to wipe. I went through a whole ****ing roll of TP and could not get it all off me. So.

I jumped in the shower. Yep, its gross, but it had to be done. There I stood, water pouring down, cheeks spread, and using my own hand to make certain I'm clean.

That was when I discovered that after using my hand to wipe myself (before I soaped the area) my hand came back covered in some sort of transparent grease. It was so ****ing foul. The grease made water bead off my hand. It was tacky too, and very difficult to manage.

So I grabbed the bar of soap and went to work.

You ****ing Pringle bastards.

The bar of soap came away coated in grease as well, and would no longer wash. I had to turn the water to hot and massage the soap for five minutes to get it to the point where I could use it again. It took me an hour to get the ****ing grease off my pucker. I shudder to think of what its doing INSIDE ME right now, but I will damned sure never eat that sh*t again.

****ing Pringle bastards.

[cobra de capell]

My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat.
Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday
and sit at the back. During the service he would
sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The
sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat
through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he
waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the
minister.

"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the
one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10
Commandments, I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I
started to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed
your heart?"

My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery.
When you started to preach on that, I remembered
where I left my hat."

[cobra de capell]

The man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says.
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.
'Whoa, what do you think you're doing?' asks the man.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies...'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER, AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!

[cobra de capell]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died to day, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a
little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry , Mr. Wallace. Please
accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with
his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace ,' she said, 'You shouldn't be
walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you
yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it
hanging out of your pajamas?'



'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'