Jokes

[VRM]

Bush and McCain were talking about McCain's loss of the Presidential election.

Bush tells McCain "All you had to do is pray to have God call you and then you do what He says when He does. God told me to run for Preznit, so I did. God then told me to invade Afghanistan, so I did. Then God told me to invade Iraq, so I did that, too. God also told me that Brownie was doing great, and that torture, bank deregulation, and spending more money than we had were all OK, too. That's really all you have to do - it got me elected twice!!"

McCain replies "I probably should have - our base is pretty gullible. We should try to remember to tell Sarah in 2012. I want you to listen to this though - I got a very nice phone message consoling me on the loss of the election."

McCain plays a short message from his answering machine.

Bush listens intently and then exclaims "You did get a phone call from God! I would recognize his voice anywhere!! You should have called him back and asked him what else to do!"

McCain looks Bush squarely in the eye and says "George, that was not God, that was Obama."

[cobra de capell]

VRM - you have an odd sense of humor, but in your case that's not more than passingly strange, thanks for posting.

A 6th grade teacher asked her class “How many of you are Obama fans?” Half the class were, but another fourth didn’t know what and Obama fan was, and the other fourth, all exect one, didn’t really care. So, just to be on the good side of the teacher, the two fourths of the class raised their hands, and of course, the one half also raised their hands.

There sat young Michael, sadly, the only one who didn’t have his hand raised. The teacher asked him, “so Michael, why aren’t you an Obama fan?”

Michael said “My parents are Republicans, my brother who’s in college is a Republican, so I am a republican.” Peeved by the answer, the teacher asked, “so if your parents were idiots and your brother was a moron, what would that make you?”

Michael said “An Obama fan.”

[427 S/O]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.


One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[Tangible Toys]

Postmans last day

Lucky Postman

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.
At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you".
He said, "F*** him. Give him five bucks."
She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea."

[cobra de capell]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit,

They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her

Straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

'Now. Tell HIM you have a headache.'

[cobra de capell]

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear.

Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how do you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
____

Two managers are going over their budget for the next year.

After analyzing expenses and revenues, they realize that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane.

They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off.

Finally, one manager decides that they will lay off the first person who gets up from their desk.

In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer and gets up to get some water.

The managers get up to break the bad news to Jane.

"Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I either have to lay you or Jack off..."

"Well" she says, "could ya jack off, I feel like s#@t!
_____

A guy came home from a night out with the guys to find his wife already in bed sleeping. As he came out of the bathroom he noticed she was sleeping with her mouth open (I WONDER WHAT PEOPLE WOULD THINK IF I STOPPED HERE?). Getting an idea, he quickly grabs a couple aspirin out of the medicine cabinet and pops them in her mouth. He waits patiently as they disolve. The bad taste wakes her up and she spits, trying to get the bad taste out of her mouth. Seeing him standing there she asks..."What is that taste?" He replies..."aspirin". To which she answeres, "I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!" Grinning he answrers, "GOOOOOD!"

[cobra de capell]

Not a joke, unfortunately.....



Now, this one looks familiar for some reason, something to do with a certain popular moderator? Perhaps not.

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

Cold Weather behavior:

60 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat. Minnesotans plant gardens.

50 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People are sunbathing in Duluth.

40 above zero: Import cars won't start. Minnesotans drive with the sunroof open.

32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Bemidji gets thicker.

20 above zero: New Mexicans don long johns, parkas and wool hats & mittens. Minnesotans throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn on the heat. People in Minnesota have one last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero: People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close the windows.

10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico. Minnesotans dig their winter coats out of storage.

25 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. Girl Scouts in Minnesota still selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero: Washington, D.C. finally runs out of hot air. People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because the Mini-Van won't start.

460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). People in Minnesota can be heard to say,
"Cold 'nuff fer ya?"

500 below zero: Hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools open 2 hours late.
_____

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off..

TOOTH ACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

[Tangible Toys]

"Sometime this year, it's possible that taxpayers
will receive an additional Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a
very exciting new program that I will explain using

the Q and A format:



"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus
Payment?*

"A. It is money that the federal
government will send to taxpayers.



"Q. Where will the government get
this money?*

"A. From taxpayers.



"Q. So the government is giving
me back my own money?*

"A. No, they are borrowing it
from China. Your children are

expected to repay the Chinese.



"Q. What is the purpose of this
payment?*

"A. The plan is that you will use
the money to purchase a

high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the
economy.



"Q. But isn't that stimulating
the economy of China?*

"A. Shut up."




Below is some helpful advice on
how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check
wisely:



If you spend that money at
Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.



If you spend it on gasoline, it
will go to Hugo Chavez, the Arabs and Al Queda.



If you purchase a computer, it
will go to Taiwan.



If you purchase fruit and
vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy
organic).



If you buy a car, it will go to
Japan and Korea.



If you purchase prescription
drugs, it will go to India




If you purchase heroin, it will
go to the Taliban in Afghanistan




If you give it to a charitable
cause, it will go to Nigeria.



And none of it will help the
American economy.



We need to keep that money here
in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales,
going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY),
or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the
US.*



~ .\|/. ~

<(���)>

Keep Smilin'

(Hmmm, skip the Bud Weiser unless you want to help Germans.)

[cobra de capell]

We Texans love y'all, but we have decided to take action since Obama is president. We'll miss you, too.

Texas has given all those complainers plenty of time to get used to the results. After seeing all the whiners along the campaign route, the folks from Texas are taking matters into our hands.

Here is our solution:

#1: Swear in Barak Hussein Obama President of the United States . (All 49 states.)

#2: George W. Bush comes home and becomes the President of the Republic Of Texas.



So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?

We are already set!

1. NASA is just south of Houston , Texas . (We will control the space industry.)

2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States .

3. Defense Industry. (We have over 65% of it) The term " Don't mess with Texas ," will take on a whole new meaning.

4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee states? Sorry about that.

5. Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and it's too bad about those northern states. Obama will figure a way to keep them warm. ...

6. Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, Etc, Etc. The list goes on and on.

7. Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world and other large health planning centers.

8. We have enough colleges to keep us going: UT Texas, A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU, University of Houston , Baylor, UNT, Texas Women 's University. Ivy grows better in the south anyway...

9. We have a ready supply of workers. (We can just open the border when we need some more.)

10. We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.

11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard . We don' t have an army but since every body down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours if we need it. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple Texas Rangers.

12. We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables and lets not forget seafood from the gulf. And everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don' t need any food.

This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic Of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.

Now to the rest of the United States under President Obama: Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, you will have to walk or ride bikes.

You won' t have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications. You won' t have any natural gas to heat your homes but since Al Gore has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas.


Signed,

The People of Texas

[cobra de capell]

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run—anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

[Ron61]

THE ACCIDENT:

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at
her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've got somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you always welcome, Time ... but where's my
husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at
the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda," said Tim. "Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up. "Tim, how did it happen then?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear heavens! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go
quickly?" Brenda asked.
"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

[Bugman]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. “Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?” asked the first guy.

“Well, not exactly. She’s more into the trick dog aspect of it,” replied his friend.

“Oh, I see, kinky, huh?” asked the first guy.

“Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg; then she rolls over and plays dead.”

[Dan40]

Signed,

The People of Texas

Ah Yes, Everything is bigger and better in Texas!

Reminds me of the joke back when Lorena Bobbit "deTooled John Wayne Bobbit. She supposedly drove off and along the way threw his dis-membered member out the window.
Two old lady tourists were driving the other way. One says, " Things really are bigger in Texas!" "Why do you say that?" Asks the other. "Did you see the size of the **** on that bug that hit the windshield?"


Dan

[cobra de capell]

The Sensitive Man


A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, she is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips

He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
___

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one:

13. Potential Murder Suspect
____

"A MOOD KILLER!"

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts-- something she seemed to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,

'Why do you love doing that?'

'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

[UKjohnnycobra]

Signed,

The People of Texas

An Englishman goes to see his Texan friend who owns a ranch. The Texan says "You know, I can get in my car, drive for five hours, and still be on my own property". The Englishman replies "I had a car like that, once".

[cobra de capell]

The Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally n@ked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're n@ked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're n@ked!"

"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT.........

[cobra de capell]

A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
_____

Dialog between a couple:

Before marriage:

He: Finally! I waited so long!
She: You want me to leave!
He: No! Why do you think that? It is awful for me to think of that!
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! At every time of day or night!
She: Have you ever been unfaithful to me?
He: No! Never! Why do you ask?
She: Do you want to kiss me?
He: Yes, every time I get the opportunity!
She: Would you ever beat me?
He: Are you crazy? You know me better!
She: Can I trust you completely?
He: Yes.
She: My darling!


Some years after marriage: read from bottom to top!

[cobra de capell]

Prince Charles was driving on his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, killing it instantly. He jumped out of his car and sat down on the grass, distraught.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half buried in the ground. He dug it up and polished it off.
A genie appeared and said, 'You have freed me from thousands of years of captivity. As a reward I will grant you one wish.'

'Well,' Prince Charles said, 'I have all the things I need, but I just killed this dog. Is there any way you can bring it back to life?'

The genie looked at the dog and said, 'The dog is too mutilated to bring back to life. Is there something else you would like?'

The prince thought for a moment, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. 'I was married to this beautiful woman named Diana,' Prince Charles said, showing the genie the first photo. 'The whole country loved her. But we divorced and then she died. A few months ago I married this woman, Camilla.' He showed the genie the second photo, then said, 'Camilla isn't the beauty Diana was, and everyone hates her. Do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?'

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few moments said, 'Let's have a look at that dog again.'