Jokes

[Cobrabill]

THE KIDS SET HIM UP--
Marion Barry Inadvertently Exposes the Fallacy of D.C.'s Gun Ban

Washington, D.C. has a gun ban, and gun bans stop crime. That's the ruse the gun ban lobby and their cronies would have you believe. That's what Washington, D.C. Council member and former mayor Marion Barry (D) would have you believe. But, in an ironic twist of fate, Barry's anti-gun premise has been challenged by circumstances involving none other than Barry himself.

This week, the ex-mayor was the victim of a violent crime in "gun-free" Washington, D.C. He was robbed at gunpoint by two young men who entered his apartment, held a gun to his head, and robbed him of his wallet, cash, and credit cards. The nearly three-decades-old ban did nothing to protect Barry. Despite the ban, Barry admitted that "guns are everywhere." What he didn't say is that those guns are in the hands of criminals, while the District's law-abiding citizens are prohibited from possessing them. Clearly, the ban has done nothing to stem the tide of armed criminals carrying out violent crimes.

While not suffering any physical injuries during the ordeal, Barry did indicate that his feelings were hurt. "There is a sort of an unwritten code in Washington, among the underworld and the hustlers and these other guys, that I am their friend....I was a little hurt that this betrayal did happen."

Councilman Barry, himself a convicted felon, says he does not want to prosecute the perpetrators (if they are ever caught), but also says that he will push the city council to pass a bill he introduced that would increase penalties for carrying a gun in the District! Such is the contradictory logic of the ex-mayor. Pass more gun laws, and don't enforce existing ones.

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

Driving in Heaven

Three guys died. When they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter
met them and said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because
you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you
something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get.
You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big!"
The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long
were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asked.

The guy replied, "Yeah, 7 times, but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Yugo to
drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter
and says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once,
but that was our first year, so we really worked it out."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that; here's your Subaru Impreza."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're
going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at
another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Ferrari 430!"

A little while later, the two guys with the Subaru and the
Yugo saw the guy with the Ferrari crying on the golden sidewalk,
so they went to see what was the matter.

When they asked the guy with the Ferrari what was wrong, he said,
"I just saw my wife; she was on a skateboard!"
_____

[cobra de capell]

Comprehensive Tool Guide
26 tools: what they're for!!!!

a. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

b. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

c. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

d. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

e. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

f. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

g. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

h. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

i. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

j. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

k. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

l. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

m. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-poop off your boot.

n. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

o. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

p. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

q. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

r. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

s. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

t. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

u. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

v. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.

w. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

x. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

y. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

z. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

[cobra de capell]

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
____

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is now attending NYU. (But, then again, this smacks of urban legend.)

3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week, and when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams, I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But, I have not yet gone to college.

[cobra de capell]

Brokeback Mountain 2 in production
Following on the unexpected success of last years film, Brokeback Mountain, director Ang Lee is working with a new cast to make a sequel to the film.

Brokeback Mountain 2: The Fur Traders is currently in production at an undisclosed location.

"We have a great script that shows as much sensitivity to the subject matter as seen in the first movie," Lee said.

"We also were able to get top quality talent to star in this production. The studio called me on the carpet for the salary expenses, but when they saw the line up of talent and what we were setting out to do with this story, they signed off on everything we had in mind."

Starring in this second installment of the Brokeback series, Jessica Alba is a young woman from the wrong side of the tracks who is introduced to the great outdoors by a more seasoned Halle Berry.

The story follows their relationship, and the relationships of three other couples who work in the mountains, mostly trapping beaver and catching fish.

Although not confirmed at this time, there are reports that Rosie O'Donnell is underwriting filming costs and taking a hands on approach to producing the film.

[Ralph_C]

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men. Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the **** out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

[VRM]

The Joys of Travel

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO
THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE
CONTROL YOURSELF.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a Nairobi private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

The best!!! In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN
THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

Another, the best!!!! In a Japanese cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES

[wtm442]

I had to send this out - as someone who scoffs at all the goofy emails that go around, and worships snopes.com, I loved this email:

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
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I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face ... disfiguring me for life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I n o longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New Study

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

[wtm442]

"Thirty-three percent of all Americans say that immigration is a serious problem.

The other 67 percent said, 'No hablo Ingles'."

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

State of Arkansas Residency Application
(last name)
Name: ________________

(first name)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)

Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______

Father's Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade
completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:



Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know

[cobra de capell]

Buttercups -

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, POOF!, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" THEN POOF!....she was gone.
After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the *****willows."

Harry yells back......"DON'T SWING FRED!!!" "For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"
_____

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make this wonderful woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[392cobra]

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold,there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton. That evening, the man introduced Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[VRM]

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely; picnic tables, barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, along with some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave." The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

[Ron61]

Unfortunately, this is sad but so true........

Cancel your credit cards...THIS IS SO FUNNY
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die . This is so
priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being
what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank
billed her for February and March for their annual service charges
on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the
monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around
$60.00! A family member placed a call to Citibank:
*a

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report
her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Bank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part
about her being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:

Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what
more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you
could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Bank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number
69."
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" !
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

[Cobrabill]

Not really funny,but none the less:



MATHMATICS THEN AND NOW


Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonalds for $3.58. The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?



Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:



Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?



Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?



Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?



Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.



Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)



Teaching Math In 2006

Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?

[cobra de capell]

Duck walks into a hardware store. "Got any duck food?" he quacks. "Sorry, no," says the proprietor. Duck leaves.

Next day the duck is back. "Got any duck food?" "No," says the proprietor. "I told you before. We don't carry it."

Next day he's back again: "Got any duck food?" The proprietor glares at him. "Look, buddy, we don't sell duck food. We never have and never will. And if you ask me that one more time, I'll nail your little webbed feet to the floor."

Next day the duck is back. "Got any nails?"

"We're out of nails today," says the proprietor.

"Got any duck food?"
_____

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied. How can you be so sure," she protested.
"I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, looked at the bill. "$150!", she cried.. $150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry." "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan. It's now $150."
_____

The rest of the country is debating on whether to get rid of the death penalty... In Texas, we're putting in an express lane!" "If you come to Texas and kill someone, we will kill you right back!"
_____

"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
_____

A Cuban walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says, "That's cool. Where'd you get it?"
The parrot says, "Cuba, they're everywhere"
_____

[wtm442]

BLUENECKS!

Blue Necks are Northerners -- the opposite of Rednecks. Because of
Redneck
jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks look at Northerners
(or how
Northerners sometimes think of themselves

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF.

Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them
"You guys," even if both of them are women.


You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."


You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.


You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the Side
of the road.


You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
Correctly.


For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.


You don't know what a moon pie is. You have probably never watched a
Moon pie in a microwave.


You've never had an RC Cola.


You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled.


You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.


You have no idea what a polecat is.


You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.


You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get His
own TV fishing show.


You drink either "Pop" or "Soda"- instead of "Cokes.


You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife Show.


You have never been hep'd.


You think more money should go to important scientific research at your
university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.


You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.


You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.


You call binoculars opera glasses.


You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of
the road and stopping.

[Ron61]

Three young college girls fresh out of graduation decided to take a trip to Mexico for the weekend to celebrate. They left Friday, had a great time and woke up Monday in a Mexican jail rememberning nothing about the whole weekend. Then they found they were to be excuted by the electric chair and no one would tell them what they did.

As they strapped the first girl, a redhead from Utah into the chair, she yelled, I am from Salt Lake City and a graduate of Brigham Young University and I know God will not let an innocent person be electrocuted. They threw the switch and nothing happened. The guards quickly released her, bowed and asked forgiveness.

The second girl, a brunett from back East, yelled that she was a law graduate from Harvard and she was convinced that justice would not let an innocent person be electrocuted. They threw the switch and once again nothing happend. The guards quickly released her, apologized and said she was indeed innocent and then moved onto the last of the three girls a BLONDE.

After strapping her into the chair she yelled, I am an electrical engineering graduate from the University of Arkansas and I am telling you Idiots right now that you aren't going to elctrocute anyone unless you plug this thing in over there where the plug is laying in the floor.