Jokes

[SMOKNAC]

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it . . . Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain . . . good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

[bliss]

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some friends and have some hot wings and a cold beer.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators: I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot.”
_____

Top 5 Most Dangerous U.S. Cities

#5. Chicago. 1,000 violent homicides in 2016
#4. New York City. 800 shooting deaths in 2016
#3. Los Angeles. 700 murders in 2016
#2. Portland, Maine Heroin addiction up 47% in last ten years

#1 Most Dangerous City in America:
Las Vegas. Free booze and 24-hour wedding chapels
_____

[bliss]

Bubba is driving down a road and sees a sign that says, "Watch for Fallen Rocks." A few miles later, he sees some rocks at the side of the road. So he stops and picks some up.

When he gets to the next town, he carries the rocks into the Highway Maintenance office. He walks over to the counter and dumps the rocks on top. He looks at the man behind the counter and says - "Here are your fallen rocks... now, where's my watch?"
_____

Men, don't be fooled by maxi pad commercials.

Ladies are not really full of blue windshield washer fluid.
_____

[bliss]

Blondes

- What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

- Why do blondes get confused in the ladies' room?
They have to pull their own pants down.

- What's the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons?
You CAN sit upright in a car.

- What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

- What do blondes use for protection during sex?
Bus shelters.

- Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
Red means stop.

- What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
Not everyone has been in a limousine.

- What do you call a fly buzzing around a blonde's head?
A space invader.
_____

Wife:
"Look, I haven't
worn this in 8 years
and it still fits!"

Husband:
"For God's sake
woman, it's a scarf!"
_____

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

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Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.

Tequila® may not be right for everyone.

Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

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[bliss]

Mondays, they are like that.



Open carry in Texas....

[bliss]

Me: "You're like a drug to me."
Wife: "You mean I'm addictive."
Me: "No. I mean I can only take you in small doses."
_____

[bliss]

If a man sleeps with a lot of women, he gets called a stud. If a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she gets called a lot.
_____

Eye.Watch.Cape.Horn.

Repeat these words faster and faster.
_____

The teacher asks the class if 3 birds are sitting on a wire, and a hunter shoots one, how many are left?

Little Johnny blurts out "None!, they'll all fly away when they hear the shot!"

The teacher pauses, and says, "Well, that's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you think Little Johnny".

Little Johnny replies, "My hand is in my pocket, and I feel something round and hard with a head on it". What is it?

The teacher turns red and says, "Johnny, we don't talk about those things in school".

Little Johnny pulls out his hand and says, "It's just a Quarter!" but I like the way you think!
_____

Surround yourself with people who have issues.
People with issues always have alcohol.
_____