Jokes

[bliss]

Mondays, they are like that.



Open carry in Texas....

[bliss]

Me: "You're like a drug to me."
Wife: "You mean I'm addictive."
Me: "No. I mean I can only take you in small doses."
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[bliss]

If a man sleeps with a lot of women, he gets called a stud. If a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she gets called a lot.
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Eye.Watch.Cape.Horn.

Repeat these words faster and faster.
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The teacher asks the class if 3 birds are sitting on a wire, and a hunter shoots one, how many are left?

Little Johnny blurts out "None!, they'll all fly away when they hear the shot!"

The teacher pauses, and says, "Well, that's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you think Little Johnny".

Little Johnny replies, "My hand is in my pocket, and I feel something round and hard with a head on it". What is it?

The teacher turns red and says, "Johnny, we don't talk about those things in school".

Little Johnny pulls out his hand and says, "It's just a Quarter!" but I like the way you think!
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Surround yourself with people who have issues.
People with issues always have alcohol.
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[bliss]

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside.

There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35." He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35."

He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."
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[bliss]

Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
But if you gotta be the bug, show'em what you're made of!

As long as the subject is bugs and windshields, here's a riddle:

Q: What the last thing that went through the bug's mind when he hit the windshield?

A: His @$$.
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[bliss]

One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, “When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately.”
Now, why would you want me to do something like that?” She asked.
“I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other a$$hole using my stuff.”
She looked at me intently and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another a$$hole?”
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I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you’re seventy..............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re seventy...............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you’re seventy...............who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you’re seventy...............who cares?