Jokes

Ron61 · #1 (**permalink**) 10-11-2018, 07:08 AM

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The bastard used coins, so I'm still picking it up and he is still having sex with me!"

Ron61 · #2 (**permalink**) 10-12-2018, 04:55 AM

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

Ron61 · #3 (**permalink**) 10-16-2018, 08:22 AM

Does anyone remember the Swatch, a watch made in Switzerland? Thank god Croatia didn't come up with the idea first. Just imagine if someone were to ask you what time is it? "Oh pardon me while I look at my crotch."

What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer? They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde used a computer?
A: There's White-Out all over the screen.

bliss · #4 (**permalink**) 10-21-2018, 12:01 PM

Had a random drug test today at work and my results were negative.

My dealer has got a lot of explaining to do.
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What does it mean when the flag outside the post office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
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Little boy: "Dad, I've heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her."
Dad: "Son, that happens everywhere."
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Teacher on first day of school: "And what does your daddy do?"
Little girl student: "Whatever mommy tells him to."
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Just had a fight with my alarm clock.......

It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock’s broken and I’m wide awake, so I’m not sure who won.
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Ron61 · #5 (**permalink**) 11-23-2018, 04:27 AM

A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn. He calls animal control and about an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun. The animal control employee tells the man, "I'm here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I'm going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls from the tree and bites their balls which calms the animal down so I can put him in the truck." The man says "Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the shotgun for?" The animal control employee says, "Oh, that's for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla."

Ron61 · #6 (**permalink**) 11-26-2018, 04:50 AM

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"