Jokes

Ron61 · #1 (**permalink**) 05-02-2006, 06:39 AM

NEVER TICK OFF A NURSE...

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the
hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them
around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to
have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him, but
finally even she had had enough. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of
complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After
feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I
have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get
back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

cobra de capell · #2 (**permalink**) 05-02-2006, 09:44 AM

Do you think this guy could read this sign?

cobra de capell · #3 (**permalink**) 05-02-2006, 03:20 PM

CHURCH BULLETINS
They're back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with
Typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins
or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the Recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due
to a Conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "[censored]" to someone who doesn't
care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery Downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help They can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will Sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music Will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is "censored]?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from The Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would Lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the Back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
Basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this Tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please Use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
Last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

Ron61 · #4 (**permalink**) 05-05-2006, 06:27 AM

With age comes wisdom ...

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was
sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was
dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked
in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then,
kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever
seen.

I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have
dreamed of."

The man l ooked at the frog for a short time, reached over,
picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like
you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."