Jokes

[Dan40]

Originally Posted by Fred Douglass

.......re "wood underneath"..........they did have RAFTERS and, running 90 degrees to them (or lengthwise), they had PURLINS (which are rare nowadays). The straw would not have defied gravity without these structures.

Chow(dah),

Since suffering hurricane damage, my house and many many more in Florida now have the modern version of "Purlins. Commonly called "Rat runs.' Mine has 4 sets of them besides many angled reinforcing braces. The rat runs are pieces of 2X4 nailed between each truss. These 22.5" pieces run in a straight line from one gable end to the other. Then attached to them are the actual rat runs, long 2X4's butted end to end from gable to gable. So now a wind load on one gable, besides being cross braced and angle braced is braced by each and every truss member.. The amount of wood in my attic is now likely double what it was when the house was built.

Old ideas become new again.

Dan

[cobra de capell]

Our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following 'YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN REDNECK IF...'

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your rear with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off bombs.

9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You normally bathe monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.
_____

MY Living Will

I,__________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Guns
ammo
Cup of coffee
Margarita
Sex
guns
ammo
Martini
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Sex
guns
Mexican food
Chocolate
French fries
Chocolate
Pizza
Sex
guns
ammo
Ice cream
Cup of coffee
Chocolate
guns
Sex
ammo
Chocolate
ammo
guns

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!
_____

A small guy steps onto an elevator and sees the biggest guy ever. The big guy looks down and says:

7 foot
300lbs
20 inch penis
testicles 3lbs each
Turner Brown

The small guy hits the floor, out cold.

The big guy smacks him awake and he looks up and asks,"what did you just say?".

The big guy says,"I saw the look on your face so I just answered all the normal questions. I'm 7 feet tall, weight 300lbs, my penis is 20 inches long, my testicles weigh 3lbs apiece and my names Turner Brown".

The small guy says,"Oh, Thank God, I thought you said 'Turn Around'".

[cobra de capell]

Just thinking

Did you realize that President Obama probably signed his stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?
_____

The Obama coins, the Obama plates and now something for the rest of us ..........

[cobra de capell]

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlour getting their hair done....when in walks a young chick with a low cut blouse that revealed a rose tattooed on one boob. One lady leaned over to the other and whispers: "Poor kid doesn't know it ... But in about 40 years she'll be wearing a long stemmed rose in a hanging basket.
_____

The Spiders

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that gay **** in our garden.
_____

ABC's OF AGING

A is for arthritis,
B is for bad back,

C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention

G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention and not to forget
other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure

I is for itches, and lots of incisions
J is for joints, that now fail to flex

L is for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time

(But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my ...
M-memory from time to time)

N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack

P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me another pill
and I'll be good as new!

R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my
increasing medical bills!

T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears and the word
"terminal" also rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)

V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet found

X is for X ray--and what one might find
Y is for year (another one I'm still alive)

Z is for zest, for surviving the symptoms my body's deployed,
and keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed.
_____

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . .. They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[cobra de capell]

The objective definition of Political Correctness

A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.
_____

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*

3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*

4. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*

5. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*

6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*

7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~! *~*~*~*
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread
to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~ *~*~*

9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who
drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*

10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*

11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

! 15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their
final exam.

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on
the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the
mail?

*~*~! *~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

23. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the
two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS"?

[cobra de capell]

A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH

He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the total number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger?

I don't think so.
_____

BIRTHDAY REMINDER......

This week we celebrate a special birthday!

Monica Lewinsky turned 34.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees getting stains on her clothes, experimenting with cigars and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?
_____

[cobra de capell]

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities." "That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" He asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?" "Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came Here in the first place."
_____

Many of us over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashion.

In spite of what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo's and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge (not just on seniors)

10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist

11. Bikinis and liver spots.

12. Short shorts and varicose veins.

13. Inline skates and a walker..

And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion for the older folks...

14. Thongs and Depends.

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.