Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Billy Bob and Rufus worked together in a Kentucky clothing factory and both were laid off so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Billy Bob said, "panty stitcher.....I sew elastic into ladies cotton panties".....

The clerk looked up "panty stitcher", and it was listed as unskilled labor, so she put him down for $300 a week unemployment pay.

She asked Rufus his occupation a nd he said, "diesel fitter", which was listed as a skilled job.... She put him down for $600 a week....

When Billy Bob found out he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his co-worker got twice the money......the clerk explained, "panty stitchers are unskilled, and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Billy Bob. "I sew the elastic on the panties, and Rufus puts 'em over his head and says....... "diesel fitter"....!!!!
_____

To my friend who enjoys a glass of wine..and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
(E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming
1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when
Drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification
Process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop, Wine = Health .

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of sh*t .

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.
_____

In case you missed it. Here is the Washington Post 's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee! intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.

2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v . to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. willy-nilly, adj . impotent.

6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.

8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.

11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.

12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

[cobra de capell]

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
_____

How would you pronounce this child's name:



"Le-a"

Leah? NO

Lee - A? NOPE

Lay - a? No way

Lei? Guess Again.



This child attends a school in Detroit. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.

It's pronounced "Ledasha"...when the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "The dash don't be silent."

_____

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything... tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.

Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time,day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said,"Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, was it the books, the discipline,the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
_____

70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.

Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically.

How are you doing mentally and emotionally?

Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"

George replied, "God and me get on just fine. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."

"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.

"Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great.

But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.

Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"

Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
_____

An Older Man.

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Would you mind if I talk to you for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling compassion for the old chap, said, 'Oh! Dear no I don't mind, of course you can talk to me. Now let's see do you have you any idea at all where your wife might be?'

'Nope! I’ve no idea where she is, but I can guarantee that every time I talk to a woman with a body like yours she'll just appear from out of nowhere.'

[cobra de capell]

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'

The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere.'

The clerk is astonished.

'Your wife's name is Crisco?'

The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public.'

'I see,' said the clerk.

'What do you call her at home?'

'Lard ass.'
_____

Samurai's and Flies

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. WHOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 peices! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two...." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHH. A gust of wind files the room, but the fly is still buzzing around.

The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

And the Jewish samurai replies - "Look closer, that fly has been circumcised!"
_____

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just upstairs making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this has happened.
Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for over fifteen years and I sure wasn't about to start now!"
_____

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
Kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three
Phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how
Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes
Through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree,
Mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but
Reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration
_____

[cobra de capell]

Grandpa had a ritual he looked forward to every Sunday morning. He would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time - just he and his little granddaughter. On one
particular Sunday, however, he had a very bad cold and didn't feel like getting out of bed at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

Upon their return, the little girl anxiously ran up stairs to see her grandfather.


'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh, yes, grandpa,' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see one dumb b@$t@rd or stupid $h*t head anywhere we went today!'
_____

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts
slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion,
she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and
places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,
unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants;
takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist,
gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last
nickel,which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the
nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar
without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the I.R.S...'
_____

A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV. The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass."

Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.

He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer. Shortly after,Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She is a horse's ass too!"

Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.

He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama country?"

"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country."

[cobra de capell]

Not really a joke......

Letter from a Granddad:

John is 63 years old and owns his own business. He is a life-long Republican and sees his dream of retiring next year is now all but gone. With the stock market crashing and all the new taxes coming his way, John knows he will be working for a good number more years.

John has a Granddaughter. Ashley is a recent college grad. She drives a late model car, wears all the latest fashions, and also likes going out and eating out a lot. Ashley campaigned hard for Obama, and after he won the election she made sure her Grandfather (and all other Republican family members) received more than an earful on how the world is going to be a much better place now that Obama won the election.

Ashley recently found herself short of cash and cannot pay her bills, again. As she has done many other times in the past, she e-mailed her Grandfather asking for some financial help.

Here is his reply:

Sweetheart,

I am replying to your request for more money. Ashley, you know I love you dearly and am sympathetic to your financial plight. Unfortunately, times have changed. With the election of President Obama, your Grandmother and I have had to set forth a bold new economic plan of our own....the 'Ashley Economic Plan'. Let me explain. Your grandmother and I are highly productive, wage-earning tax payers. As you know, we have lived a comfortable life and in return have forgone many things like fancy vacations, luxury cars, etc. We have worked hard and were looking forward to retiring soon. But this plan has changed. Your president is significantly raising our personal and business taxes. He says it is so he can give our hard earned money to other people. Do you know what this means, Ashley? It means less income for us. Less income means we must cut back on many business and personal expenditures. One example is, we were forced to let go of our receptionist today. You know her. She always gave you candy when you visited my office. Did you know she worked for us for the past 18 years? I can't afford her anymore.

That is a taste of the business side. Some personal economic affects of Obama's new taxation policies include none other than you. You know very well that over the years your grandmother and I have given you thousands of dollars in cash, tuition assistance, food, housing, clothing, gifts, etc., etc. By your vote, you have chosen another family over ours for help. Judging from your Email requesting more money, I recommend you call 202-456-1111. That is the direct telephone number for the White House. You yourself repeatedly told me I was foolish voting Republican. You said Mr. Obama is going to be the people's president and is going to help every American live a better life. Based upon everything you have told me and things we heard from him as he campaigned, I am sure Mr. Obama will be happy to send a check or transfer money into your checking account. Have him call me for the transaction and account numbers, which by now I know by heart.

Perhaps you now can understand what I have been saying for all my life: those who vote for the president should consider what the impact of an election will be on the nation as a whole, and not just be concerned with what they can get for themselves (welfare, etc.). What Obama voters don't seem to realize is all of the "government's" money he is 'redistributing' to illegal aliens and non-taxpaying Americans (deemed "less fortunate") comes from tax money collected from income tax-paying families. Remember how you told me, "Only the richest of the rich will be affected"? Guess what, honey? Because of our business, your Grandmother and I are now considered to be the richest of the rich. On paper, it might look that way. But in the real world, we are far from it. But, as you said while campaigning for Obama, some people will have to carry more of the burden so all of America can prosper. You understand what that means, right? It means that raising taxes on productive people results in them having less money. Less money for everything, including granddaughters.

Congratulations on your choice for "change". For future reference, I encourage you to attempt to add up the total value of the gifts and money
you've received from us over the years, and compare it to what you expect to get over the next four years from Mr. Obama.

Remember, we love you dearly... but from now on you'll need to call the number referenced above when you need help.

Good luck, Sweetheart.

Love,
Grampa.

PS: How was your recent trip to Jamaica? I have never been there but I hear it is lovely this time of year.