Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Here is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.

Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing (and cares less) tries to make your life miserable.


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty... You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further.
I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him; he'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome ..

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.

The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really!
What'd he say ?"


He said:
"Who f'd up your hair?"

[cobra de capell]

Millions of years ago...

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel.

One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.

Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.

This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television... and later to the remote control.
_____

I guy, with a well-earned reputation for being a ladies man, goes into the bar where he frequently meets his conquests. He looks down and out. The bartender notices and asks what the matter is?

He replies: “I got a letter from an irate husband saying if he ever sees me with his wife again he’ll kill me.”

“What’s the big deal, asks the bartender, can’t you just not see her again?”

“Nope, says the man. He didn’t sign the letter.”
_____

Computer Users

Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.
_____

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, gold and diamond.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind the door! He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is utterly amazed to find the source of that haunting and seductive sound... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[cobra de capell]

Great Golf quotes.....

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit
it with the shadow.
~ Sam Snead


A hungry dog hunts best.
~ Lee Trevino


You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen..
~ Lee Trevino


I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a
swimming pool.
~ George Brett


Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a
tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that..
~ Jim Murray


The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has
to play the bad lie.
~ Mickey Mantle


Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good
at them.
~ Kevin Costner


I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez


After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the
American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge
and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye..
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez


The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
~ Brian Weis


Swing hard in case you hit it.
~ Dan Marino


My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The
rest can never be mastered.
~ Lord Robertson


Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep
the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny


There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different
games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.
~ Ben Hogan


Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time,
you're the best.

~ Jack Nicklaus


The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a
law.
~ H G Wells


I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers
everywhere except on the course.
~ Billy Graham


If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If
you work at it, it's golf.
~ Bob Hope


While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
~ Henry Youngman


If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong
golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon


You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of
them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
~ Lee Trevino


I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd
come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino

[cobra de capell]

GM's New 2010 Obama Model
The new GM (Government Motors) proudly introduces the 2010 Obama . . .



This car runs on hot air and broken promises. It has three wheels . . . rear end steering of course . . .that speed the vehicle through tight left turns. It comes complete with two teleprompters programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations. The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the happy Democrat owners. Definitely a partisan car.

[cobra de capell]

Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Walmart.

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.


In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.


In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.



In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'


In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog **** off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.


In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog **** on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.



In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
_____

Sometimes it pays to be old

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their seventieth anniversary. The
couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared,
where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it
home.

There, she counted the money -- seventy-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.


The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday. "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
_____

Don't know if this is just a coincidence , but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of people around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this? ...

It gets worse next year... 2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
_____

Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?


2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.


3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!


5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.


6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7 . When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

Little Johnny came home from school with a BIG smile on his face. His Mother noticed this, and asked him, "Why the big grin, Johnny?"

"I showed Sally Brown my weenie today at the playground!" proudly replied Johnny.

Before his mother could say a word, Johnny went on to say, "She said it reminded her of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, his Mom asked, "Really? She thought it was small, did she?"

"No..... salty."

Mom fainted.
_____

Quotes about dogs.....

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." -Anonymous

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -Ann Landers

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." -Will Rogers

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -Ben Williams

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -Josh Billings

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -Andy Rooney

"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." -M. Facklam

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -James Thurber

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -Robert Benchley

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -Rita Rudner

"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." -Dave Barry

"And nobody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."-Franklin P. Jones

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." -Unknown

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -Anne Tyler

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -Robert A. Heinlein
_____

Obama Says Sotomayor’s “Castrate White Males” Comment Taken Out of Context

June 2, 2009

WASHINGTON - President Obama said that comments by Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor in a 2004 speech in which she called for the “castration of all white males until they no longer hold power,” have been “taken out of context” by right wing ideologues.

In the speech delivered to the San Juan chapter of NOW, Sotomayor said, “I want to be perfectly clear about this next comment so that there is no mistaking that my words mean something other than what they plainly say: the time has come to limit white male oppression by castrating every white male until they are no longer dominant in Western culture. That means forcible removal of their testicles. I realize the brutality of my comment, but I mean exactly what I say.”

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs agreed with President Obama that the statement has been taken out of context, and added that Sotomayor “certainly” did not mean that white males should be castrated. “Judge Sotomayor was simply saying that there should be room at the American table for diverse cultures.”

President Obama told MSNBC: ”Look, when she’s appearing before the Senate committee in her confirmation process, all this nonsense that is being spewed out will be revealed for what it is.”
____