Jokes

[SMOKNAC]

How fights start:
__________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.
__________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.
__________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.
__________
My wife was at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started.
__________
When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
__________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Lots of dust."
And then the fight started.
__________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 4 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started.
__________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started.
__________
My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
That's when the fight began.
__________
I rear-ended a car this morning ... the start of a really bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
__________

[bliss]

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, "Are you still holding the ladder?".

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn't piss anyone off.

She said I'm 'barely tolerable,' which means there's still a chance.

“John could tell that Emily was getting tired of him narrating their date."

I'm so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

I don't have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

Asked my wife if I was going to get a "tip" for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

The Zika virus can now be transmitted sexually. Luckily, most of you reading this have nothing to worry about.

I just got a text from a number I don't recognize saying, 'You're an embarrassment of a son'. I've narrowed it down to 2 people.

My financial situation is so bad, I'm being sponsored by a child in Africa.

Remember--the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it's not impossible.

My sex life has improved so much I'm thinking of asking someone else to join me.
______

Points to ponder.......

1. Should you do the right things or should you do things right?

2. At a movie theater, which arm rest is yours?

3. If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

4. In the word scent, is "S" silent or "C"?

5. Why is it called a building when it's already built?

6. If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

7. Do they have the word 'dictionary' in the dictionary?

8. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

9. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

10. If you drop soap on the floor, is the floor clean or the soap dirty?

11. Who took the picture of the first camera? And how was it taken?

12. Is sand called sand because it's between sea and land?

[SMOKNAC]

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"
"I'd take half and leave you," she says.
Great," he says. "Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch.”