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This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for a stroll around the lake. I noticed a man shouting, "Allah be praised!" and "Death to all Infidels" when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown. Being a responsible citizen and abiding by the law of the land that requires you help those in distress, I contacted the Police, the Coast Guard, Homeland Security and even the Fire Department. Now it is 11:00 AM, the terrorist has drowned and none of the authorities have responded. I'm starting to think I just wasted four stamps. |
Kirkham KMP-0669.
If the owner of this Kirkham KMP-0669 is on this site please contact me on my mobile number 0428145883.I have a very important part for your car,i.e. VIN Plate.
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recommended reading
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Snake in the Barn
LB |
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Quote:
Cheers to all...just stopping by to say hello. Tru |
lego barra
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Here in Australia. The year has been racing along. Apparently its only 3 Prime Ministers to Christmas. ��
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The wedding ceremony came to the point where the Minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly towards the pastor. The congregation was aghast and, the groom’s jaw dropped, as he stared disbelievingly at the approaching young woman and child. Chaos ensued. The bride threw the bouquet in the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted. The Best Man and the groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. The Minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you have come forward? What do you have to say?” There was absolute silence in the church. The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back. |
Note to all Jihadists!
Please note there is a typographical error in the Quran! Verse 68, subsection 4, paragraph 3, should read:
" All Jihadists who die in the name of Allah shall receive a 77 year old virgin" Not "77 virgins" as previously written, sorry for any inconvenience. |
As I stop and reflect on the number of people I have lost through my life, perhaps being a tour guide wasn't the job for me!
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Jellyfish have survived 650 million years despite, not having a brain.
This gives so many people hope. |
Four Mums in therapy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from School and go get dinner. |
Timbuktu -
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU ' First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said: Slowly across the desert sand, trekked a lonely caravan Men on camels two by two destination - Timbuktu. The audience went crazy! No way could the old abo top that, they thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited; Me and Tim a huntin' went Met three whores in a pop up tent They was three, and we was two So I buck one, and Timbuktu. |
When we were kids my dad used to put me and my brother into tyres and roll us down a hill. Ahh yes, they were Goodyears
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Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.
I thought to myself, that's a little condescending. |
A senior citizen was driving down the freeway when his mobile phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on this freeway. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" |
What have fat birds and mopeds got in common.
They're both fun to ride, until some one sees you on one. Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke all I said was, golly you're tall. I decided to become less Chauvinistic and be more sensitive to my wife's needs. I bought her a new bag and a belt. The Hoover works great now. I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children’s iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name. Janet and Eddie are shopping in their local Coles supermarket. Eddie picks up a pack of Stella and puts it in their trolley. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks Janet. 'They're on sale, at only $15 for 24 cans' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them!' demands Janet, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along Janet picks up a $30 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks Eddie. 'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies Janet. Eddie retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Stella, and they're only half the price.' |
A truck loaded with Vick's Vaporub crashed and rolled on the Eastern freeway during peak hour last night. Amazingly there was no congestion for eight hours!
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A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. Wife: 'Do you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or no.' I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. |
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