A family was driving behind a rubbish truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids "my what a big insect", to which her 7 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that size".

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.



One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.”



His buddy says: “Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.



She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do."



A fellow about my age (70+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.



He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that ****."

Airborne thirty minutes on an evening flight from Glasgow, the head flight attendant nervously made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry, but it appears that there has been a mix-up by our airport catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals. I apologise for this mistake and inconvenience."

When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came 90 minutes later:
"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted - Where you off to Charlie?

He said, I'm off to change a light bulb.

Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,

- That's gonna be a bit awkward init?

- Not really. he said. I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?

"No, just here for a few days."

The french heard that joke in the 40's! :eek:

Ahhh yep, and..........................?

Well at least she didn't drive from Berlin in a tank Mein Herr %/

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied... 'Two years older than me.'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Yesterday morning I bought two cases of beer on sale at the First Choice Liquor.
I placed them on the front seat and headed back home.

I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was
filling up her car at the next pump.
Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light
jacket which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.

With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in
a sexy voice:
"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella; Would you be interested in
trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer ya got?"

Heart Surgeon
 

A small boy named Bruce lived in a suburb of Sydney, Australia.

None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him,

"You’re driving me mad Bruce".

One day Bruce 's mum came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mum honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.

The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Sydney, relocating to Newcastle.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her

to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened

her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died.

The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Bruce, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner!

Don't tell me you thought Bruce became a heart-surgeon?



Sometimes I worry about you.

Damn - I think he works here now.

Hello folks - just stoppin' in to givve ya a shout.

:D

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.


The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"


Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.


"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.


The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"


"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

That reminds me of the young bloke who asked me-

How do you catch a unique duck?

Go on I said.

U NEEK up on it he chortled

Sooo, he continued

How do you catch a Tame duck

I dunno, I mumbled

TAME WAY he said gleefully, revelling in his wit.

When he finished laughing he asked me What's a wok?

Something you cook with I stupidly answered

NO!! he almost shouted, IT'S WHAT YOU THROWW AT A WABBIT WHEN THE WIFLE DOESN'T WORK.

Here is one I saw on facebook
What's the cheapest cut of meat?
Deer balls
Because it's under a buck LOL LOL LOL

Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol.
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.
Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water, and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took.
The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible!"

A man walks into a Zoo.
The only animal in there is a dog.

Its a sh1tzu.

The New 2015 Ford



Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for
women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the
'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it -
let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do
it.

Rumour has it though, it can be a real ***** to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it,
you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and
horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but
eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight
typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say
that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is
best to lease one, and replace it when it becomes troublesome.

A lady walked into a Police Station in Adelaide and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like it’s maybe a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

The Irish Angler
 

THE IRISH ANGLER



The rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub,

was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.



A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"



"Fishing" replied the old man.



Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."



In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking,

"So how many have you caught today?"



"You're the eighth" says the old man.