A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway stark naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His mates are confused, because he is one bad fella and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's mates are starting to get agitated but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,
"Grandpa,....... Please, go home, you're drunk.

A horse walked up to a bookie and said " I'd like to back myself in the 3rd race. Here's a $100"
The bookie burst out laughing. The horse said "what's so funny, you never seen a talking horse before?"
The bookie replied "No that's not it. I just can't believe you think that you can bloody win it!"

someone knocks at the door.
 

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, “Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks
the same question of the woman,
"Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door again.
That night when her husband gets home, she tells him what happened for
the last two days.

The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,
"Honey, I am taking tomorrow off, to be home, just in case this guy shows up again."

The next morning, they hear a knock and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
"Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes
to the question, because I want to see where the bastard is going, with it."

She nods "yes," to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question...
"Do you have a vagina"?
"Yes, actually I have.” She says.

The man replies..
"Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"

A Hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a maintenance
matter."

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings:
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel may benefit!
Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or Merlot..

LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM

SHIRAZ HAS A SIMILAR EFFECT.

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A woman took her young son to the doctor. He was always tired and caught a lot of colds.
The doctor asked about his diet.

All he eats is snooker balls said mum.

The doctor was amazed. Snooker balls? he asked.

That's right, she said, for breakfast, he'll have three reds
and a brown. For lunch he'll have four reds, a pink, a yellow, and a blue.
And for dinner he'll have the black and five or six reds.

Well there is your trouble, said the doctor. Not enough greens.

Two Aussie tourists were on holiday in Asia when some monkeys stole their travellers cheques.
They ran up to their tour guide, yelling: Mr Wong, Mr Wong, some monkeys stole our travellers cheques.
The tour guide said: oh no, what kind were they?

The tourists said: brown one's with red bums!

A woman went to see her doctor.
Doc, she said once in his office. You've got to help me. I've got a terrible flatulence problem. I break wind about twice every minute.
So I hear said the doc.
It's terribly embarrassing, I just can't stop she said.


I see said the doc. How is your diet?
Normal she said.

Ok how are you sleeping said the doc.
Ok she said , I do manage to get enough sleep.

Stress? he asked.
No more than normal she replied.

The doc sat at his desk writing some notes for a while then, excused himself and left the office.
He was back soon with a long skinny pole with a hook in the end of it.
The woman was terrified. What are you going to do with that she screamed.
The doc said I'm going to open a couple of the high windows, it stinks in here!

A solicitor opened an office in Melbourne. It had a great view and was in a prestigious building.
He hired a secretary and some office furniture.

At 9.00 AM on his first morning, he sat at his desk and started sharpening his pencils.
At 11.15 AM his secretary knocked on his door, saying that there was a man to see him.

Fabulous, he thought, my firs client. I really must make a good impression.

So he told his secretary to send the bloke in. He picked up his phone and as the man walked in,
he said: No, I won’t accept a million for my client! I want three million and not a penny less! and slammed the receiver down.

He looked up at the man and said: now, what can I do for you sir?

The bloke said: I’m from Telstra. I’ve come to connect the phone.

Trust The Scottish ????
 

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was a-thinkin' Brenda...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.

The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was a-thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle, Brenda." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.

And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed..

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "noo, my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time, Brenda."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, starting to fill with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of this ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

How did they invent copper wire?


Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.

A bloke from the bush got a job on a big city building site.
He saw an ad in the paper offering a room and all meals for $100 a week. So he turned up on the doorstep, rang the bell and a woman came to the door.
All meals? He asked.
Yes, she said.
So he moved in. The next morning he awoke to find his breakfast on the table and his lunch, a salad sandwich wrapped in foil to take to work. When he got home that night, the woman said: how was lunch?
Lovely he said, but not enough.
The next morning she’d made him three peanut butter sandwiches. Off to work he went. That night she asked him: how was lunch today?
Lovely he said, but not enough.
So the next morning she made him four vegemite sandwiches and eight cheese sandwiches.
Off he went, and that night the woman asked him again: how was lunch?
Very nice he said, but still not enough.
She thought, right I’ll fix this mongrel. She went down to the supermarket and bought a French stick that was eight feet long if it was an inch, and into it she put five pounds of butter, three heads of lettuce, fourteen cans of beetroot, two pounds of ham, twelve tins of sardines, four jars of pickles, nine cucumbers, twenty-one tomatoes, sixteen slices of cheese, half a mullet and a parsnip! She gave it to him the next morning wrapped in foil, and he went off to work. That night she again asked him how it was.
Lovely he said, but I see you’re back to one sandwich again!

Four kids were riding on a horse along the side of a quiet country road.
A city slicker came driving by in his Saab. Seeing the unusual sight of four kids on the one horse, he decided to have a bit of fun. He pulled up beside them and said: Hey kids, you got room for one more?
The young bloke sitting at the back end of the horse turned around, lifted the horse’s tail and said: sure you can get in the boot if you like!

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.

So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'

‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

‘She just died and left me everything'

A chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant

"He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives" replied the assistant.

"You f----kn idiot" exclaims the chemist, "you can't treat a cough with laxatives"

"Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too f---kn scared to cough"

South Carolina Ticket Givers !??!
 

These are apparently actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."


6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."


13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.

Politically IN Correct
 

Politically IN Correct



# I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny – Is that spooky or what?



# I'm about to take part in the Great Bankstown Run. It's not an official race - you just stand in the middle of the shopping centre & shout "Allah is a ****wit" & then off we go….!



# A government survey has shown that 75% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can get back to seeing their own doctor.




# I got sacked from my job as a Bingo Caller.
Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view." is not the way to call number 69.

# I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom……it makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex.

# Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning Lotto..!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror - we had six matching balls...!

# Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $10.50/min (charges may vary).

# Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker…!

# Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. Geeze, I love my new taser!

# Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Lakemba.

# If you get an email telling you that you can catch 'swine flu' from tins of ham then delete it - it's spam.

# They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 1 minute and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this 'beer gut'.

A fella walks into a bar next to a hospital and says to the barman: I’ll have a double scotch, mate, but I shouldn’t really be having it with what I’ve got.
The barman gave him the drink.
The bloke said: and give me a double martini, but I shouldn’t be having it with what I’ve got.
The barman gave him the martini.
And you better give me a boilermaker, with a beer chaser said the bloke. But I really shouldn’t be having any of this with what I’ve got.
The barman gave him the drinks and said: I don’t like to be nosey mate, but what HAVE you got?
The bloke replied :Forty cents!


A blind man with a seeing eye dog stood at a pedestrian crossing, waiting to cross the street.
The light turned green and the dog didn't move. When the red light started flashing the dog started to lead the man across the road. The lights changed and the blind man was almost hit by a truck. When he got to the kerb he got out a biscuit for the dog.

A bloke had been watching and saw what had happened, went to the blind man and said : that dog almost got you killed, why are you giving him a biscuit?

The blind man said I'm trying to find out where his head is so I can kick him up the arse.

Murphy the Painter
 

A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object ...... in fact, she was willing to pay up to £10,000. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned.


" T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay for me to paint you in the nude but she thinks that I should leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes." ............................. God Bless the Irish!

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.


The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took one squirrel and circumcised him; they haven’t seen a squirrel since.