Joke of the Day...

[Dave Samson]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were travelling on the same train when they passed a field full of sheep

"Look at that solitary black sheep among all those white ones" said Watson to Holmes.

"Yes, Watson, the ratio of black sheep to white in that field is one black to three hundred and seventeen white" replied Holmes.

"But how can you be so precise" said Watson, flabbergasted.

"Elementary, my dear Watson" replied Holmes, "I counted all of the legs and divided by four!"

[Jamo]

English Sheepherder math. Armenians used to count that way until we invented shish kabob--no legs left now; much easier to count because they move slower.

[Dave Samson]

Any chance now of converting to Korean cuisine ?
I hear that dogtail soup is on the menu this winter

[Jamo]

Thought about it--but they're really not happy being buried in the ground...

[Dave Samson]

I thought about it too but can't figure it out

I feel a blond joke comin' on.

[ERA535]

JAMO: ....."are you talkin' to me?*


*Robert DeNiro - Taxi driver

[ERA535]

Subject: liquor warnings


Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

[jeff neely]

A six year old boy walks into the bathroom and catches his dad putting on a rubber. The boy asks,"Dad what are you doing." The Father replies,"Son I am trying to catch a mouse." The boy looks at him funny and say's,"what are you going to do when you catch it? **** it."

[Dave Samson]

Yeh , I'z talkin' t'ya.

[Dave Samson]

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down
together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

[BT SNAKE]

A man goes to the doctor and says "Hey Doc, you
gotta help me!
The Doc says " what the problem"?
Well, I woke up this morning and noticed a bright orange ring
around my penis.
The Doc looks at it and says " I'll have to run some tests.
After several hours the Doc comes back and says" We ran
every test we could and we still don't know what it is".
"Have you had sex with anyone lately?" asked the Doc.
The man thought for a second and replied "Heck no Doc, I haven't had sex for over three months since my wife left." " All I do now is sit at home watching porno flicks and eatin" Cheetos."

Hersh

[Rick Young]

Any one ever try "Rodeo Romance"??

It starts out by talking your wife into getting nude, sometimes this involves a nice cool drink of her favorite libation.

Then, maby after a couple more drinks, you can establish the 'behind approach', you know, sort of like "doggy style".

When you get this far, reach around and grasp a breast in each hand and whisper in her ear;

"Honey, this is the way my girl friend likes it too".

Then see if you can stay on for eight seconds!!!


Well... then... how 'bout this???

Little Johnney was in school and his teacher was giving them their first talk on the sexes, and the differences between men and women.

When the teacher told them that men have a penis, little Johnney held up his hand and said, "My daddy has two of them".

The teacher told him that was impossible that men just have one penis.

Little Johnney said, "Oh no, My dad has two, I've seen them. He has a little one that he pees with, and a big one that he brushes mommy's teeth with".

[CobraDan]

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up, and showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed.
"What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it!"

[stush]

A elderly fellow goes to his doctor for a regular check up. the doctor asks how has he been. He says, "its a funny thing, when I was younger and I got an erection no matter how hard I tried I could not bend my erection it was so hard. Now when I get an erection I can easily bend it. I think I must be getting stronger"

Stu

[CobraDan]

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. Z ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards.

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...

[CobraEd]

Two Polish guys are installing the siding on a house. So one of the Polish guys is standing there nailing the siding on, but very often, he will take a nail, look at it and then throw it away. The other Polish guy sees this and askes him what he is doing.

The guy says, "Those nails have the heads on the wrong side" So the second guy says to him, "You idiot, those are the nails for the other side of the house!!"

[ERA535]

Farmer Joe is suing a trucking company for injuries he sustained in an accident. The company's lawyer, Mr. Green, questions Farmer Joe in court.

'Didn't you say, 'I'm fine,' at the accident scene?' Mr. Green asks.

'I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessy,' says Farmer Joe.

'I'm not asking for details,' Mr. Green says. 'Just answer the question.'

'I am,' Farmer Joe says. 'I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessy into the trailer when...'

'Didn't you tell the state trooper that you were fine?' Mr. Green interrupts.

The judge stops Mr. Green's questioning and tells him to let Farmer Joe tell his story the way he wants to.

'So, anyway,' says Farmer Joe. 'I loaded Bessy in the trailer and started driving down the highway when a huge semi-truck ran a stop sign and smacked into the right side of my truck.

'I was thrown into one ditch and Bessy was tossed into another. I could hear her cries for help but I was too hurt to move,' Farmer Joe says.

'Then a state trooper came by and I heard him talking about Bessy. He said she was a complete loss. Then I heard a gun go off and Bessy stopped moaning,' Farmer Joe says.

'What does this story have to do with anything?' Mr. Green asks.

'The state trooper walked over to me and said, 'Your cow was in bad shape so I shot her between the eyes. How are you doing?''

[Flyin_Freddie]

There was this old red neck farmer who lived by himself right next to a country road in South Georgia. Every morning, he takes his coffee out on the front porch and drinks it as he watches the cars and people go by. One morning, he sees a young boy walking down the side of the road. The boy has a large roll of chicken wire with him and the old farmer wonders what he's doing with it. So he calls out "Say, Boy...say there. What's 'at you got wichoo, boy?"

"Dis here's a roll of chicken wire," the boy replies, "I'm a-planning to ketch me some chickens wif it."

"Boy, you damn fool," the farmer says, "donchoo know you cain't ketch no chickens wif jest a roll of chicken wire!". The boy shrugs his sholders, but continues off into the distance.

That afternoon, the farmer's back on his porch, the days work having been done. Pretty soon, here comes the boy holding four chickens by their feet. "See, Mister," the boy says, "caught me some chickens wif 'at chicken wire!". "Sho'nuf, yeah you did" the farmer calls back.

Next morning, here comes the boy again while the old farmer's drinking his coffee on the front porch. This time, the boy has a roll of duct tape with him. "Hey, Boy," the farmer shouts, "whachoo got today?". "Got me a roll of duct tape" the boy hollers back, "gonna ketch me some ducks wif dis here duct tape!".

"There ya go agin, Boy," the farmer laughs, "duct tape is for heatin' and air conditionin'...you ain't gonna ketch you no DUCKS wif duct tape!".

Well, that afternoon, the boy comes back by the farmer's house again and he's got 3 ducks under his arm. He yells to the farmer, "Lookee here, caught me 3 ducks with this here roll of duct tape!". "Yeah, you did, Boy, ya done good!", the farmer replies.

Next morning, the boy comes by again and this time he's got a small shrubbery branch in his hand. The farmer notices and shouts out to the boy "Boy, whachoo got wif you dis mornin'?" "Well, suh, dis here's a pu55y Willow branch, and I'm plannin' on ketchin' me some...."

"Wait a minute, Boy," the farmer interrupts, "lemme git my hat!"

[CobraDan]

* You answer the door before people knock.

* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

* You ski uphill.

* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

* You lick your coffeepot clean.

* You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

* You chew on other people's fingernails.

* Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."

* You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.

* You can jump-start your cobra without cables.

* Cocaine is a downer.

* All your kids are named "Joe".

* You don't need a hammer to pound nails.

* Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

* You don't sweat, you percolate.

* You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.

* You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

* People get dizzy just watching you.

* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

* Instant coffee takes too long.

* When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

* Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

* You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

* You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.

* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

* You short out motion detectors.

* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

* You don't tan, you roast.

* You can't even remember your second cup.

* You help your dog chase its tail.

[Dave Samson]

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I
don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy,"
admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to
tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms
have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the
sailor explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said,
'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."