Joke of the Day...

[speed220mph]

A couple wondered what their 10 year old son would be when he grows up. Their minister is known to be good at determining which way a child will go, so they have a meeting with him. After a short session the minister agrees to interview the son. Before leaving, the husband asks the minister how he does this.

"Well," the mininster replies. "I place a Bible, silver dollar, Playboy magazine and bottle of wine on a table, the let the candidate into the room." If he picks up the Bible, he will be a minister like me. If the looks a the magazine, he will be a womenizer. a drunkard if he takes a drink of wine and a financial wizard if he takes the silver dollar."

The days comes. The boy strolls into the room and studies the table. He then picks up the silver and sticks it in his pocket, takes a drink of wine, glances through the Playboy magazine, sticks the Bible under his arm and walks out of the room.

"On may God." the minister says. "He's going to be a fighter pilot."

[Wes Tausend]

...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.

One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They
go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he
says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for
my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300
for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other
guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you,
and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.


...

[BigGuy]

Two Trees



It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:


Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you t ell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."




.

[Ibr8k4vetts]

Coming in Late
Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was five, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk.
"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there"?

"They said, 'Good morning, General.'"

[Lyonmt]

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting
a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a
discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the
discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev
Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who
lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway
tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a
tragedy."

No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an
accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50
children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that
would be a tragedy."

I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's
what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No
other children volunteer. Reverend Al searches the
room. "Isn't there someone here who can give mean example of
a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his
hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the
Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and
blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right.
And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an
accident either."

[VRM]

Today's question: What in the world is electricity and where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches one that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important lesson about electricity.

It also illustrates how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travel down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.

AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT:
If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.

Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in.

Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office.

After Franklin came other Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond. However, water is a great conductor of electricity and the frog is immediately electrocuted.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.
This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact, the last year any new electricity was generated was 1937.

Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser, an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations to the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball."

[VRM]

M&M Genetics

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:
M&M Mars
A Division of Mars, Inc.
Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503
along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

[VRM]

Signs of Our Times

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

[CobraDan]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in
Mexico . While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good,
the smell was wonderful.


He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"


The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called
Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"


The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."


The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."


The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening
was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.



After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw
you serve yesterday."


The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the
bull wins."

[Ron61]

Tales Of Larry The Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand,you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of
jalapenos.

25. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow

[Ron61]

Chelsea Clinton was talking to a combat decorated soldier and she asked him the three things he feared most.

He said :

"Osama, Obama, and Yo Mama."

[wtm442]

According to a news report, a certain school in Tulsa, OK was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the Maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.



Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. He called the girls to the washroom and met them there with the Maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the Custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.



To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the Maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. The Maintenance man took out a long-handled squeegee dipped it in the toilet and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

The moral of this story...

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

[VRM]

NBA OR NFL?

36
Have been accused of spousal abuse

7
Have been arrested for fraud

19
Have been accused of writing bad checks

117
Have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3
Have done time for assault

71,
Repeat
71 cannot
Get a credit card due to bad credit

14
Have been arrested on drug-related charges

8
Have been arrested for shoplifting

21
Currently are defendants in lawsuits,

84
Have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?


NBA or NFL ?


Give
Up yet? . . . Scroll down,


Neither,
it's the 535 members of the United
States Congress.

[Sharroll Celby]

I was at a bar the other night, and I was talking to a VERY pretty woman with a GREAT figure. She told me she was a recently-divorced woman, 57 years old. After quite a few minutes of conversation, she asked if I wanted to go home with her, for a mother and daughter threesome. I said "Sure, why not?"
We arrived at her house, walked up to her door, and she gave me a long, lingering kiss.
We went inside, and she walked over to the stairway to the second floor, and yelled up:



"Hey Mom, are you still up?"

[Wes Tausend]

...

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.


That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...

The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?


...

[Cobrabill]

Guiness Book Of World Records

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most tacky, rude, crude,
gross & disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have
their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's
official; I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the
smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says,
"Who the heck is Rosie O'Donnell? "

[Mark IV]

Hi-Tech Humor



Scott was struggling through the airport terminal with his obviously heavy suitcase when Bill Gates asked him the time.


Scott didn't recognize him, but pushed a button on his watch. The watch said out loud, "It's five fifty."


"Hey, cool watch!" said Bill.


Scott replied, "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this..." He displayed every time zone in the world, pressed a button and the watch announced, "The time is four fifty-one" in a Texas drawl. Another few pushes and the watch gave the time in Japan -- in Japanese!


Scott explained, "It includes a region-appropriate accent for each time zone."


Gates is impressed.


"That's not all," said Scott as he pushed a few more buttons and a tiny hi-res map of New York City appeared on its display. "The flashing dot shows our location via GPS," he explained. "View: recede ten," Scott ordered and the display changed to show eastern New York state.


"I need this watch!" said Gates.


"Oh, it's not yet ready for sale; I'm still working out some bugs," said its inventor. "Besides, I haven't shown you the FM radio receiver with digital tuner, the sonar device that measures distances underwater, the pager, the fax machine, the digital camera, the MP3 player with 300GB drive, video playback, Bluetooth, WiFi and WiMax..."


"How about $10,000?" said Gates.


"Oh, no. I've already spent more than on..."


"$20,000?"


"But it's not..."


"$50,000 -- in cash!" Bill opened his briefcase, which was filled with hundred dollar bills.


Scott thought, "I've only got about $5,000 into this and with 50K I can make another one that's better. I can be ready for merchandising in a year..."


Scott made his decision, "Okay, it's yours!"


He removed the watch and handed it to Gates, who happily walked away.


"Hey, wait up!" Scott called.


Gates turned around and said, "What?"


Scott pointed to the heavy suitcase he had been wrestling through the terminal. "Don't forget your battery!"

[Ron61]

Embarrassing Medical Exams

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her under- wear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family
that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble >with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the >Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered.."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was
alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................


8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Dr. wouldn't submit his name.

[FACTORYFIVE MW]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer approaches the driver's window and says to the driver,
"Sir, I clocked you at 75 miles per hour, Sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had my cruise control set on 60 mph, the speed limit. Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Without looking up from her knitting, the wife says, "Now, don't be silly, Dear, you know that our car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer begins writing out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did and you had a chance to slow down a little."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detection unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Cool it, Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer peers into the car, frowns, and says, "And I notice that you are not wearing your seat belt, Sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.":
The wife says, "Now, Dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

As the police officer begins writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife, infuriated, and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT UP?!"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
The wife smiles sweetly and replies, "No, Sir, only when he's been drinking."

[Cobrabill]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ................................
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."