Joke of the Day...

[TL Marcel]

The Lone Ranger riding across the plains…

He rides over a small hill and – there – he sees Tonto lying on the ground, ear to the dirt.

Lone Ranger: “Tonto – what are you doing?”

T: “How! Kemo Sabe – stage coach, 4 horses, 2 black, two white, two drivers and 4 passengers, brown luggage up top…”

LR: “What? Amazing! You can hear it coming?”


T: “Nope... Just ran over me!”

[Ron61]

To bring this to the front page. It is for jokes, not fighting please.

Ron

[cobra de capell]

While stopped at a red light, a driver noticed two men digging in the grass median strip. As he watched, one man dug a hole, then the other man followed behind and filled it back up. When the light turned green, the driver, curious about the goings on, made a u-turn and parked. He watched for a while longer, then got out of his car and asked the men what they were doing. "planting trees," they said. He then asked where the trees were. They said, "the guy with the trees called in sick."
_____

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
"He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air, "It feels so wonderfully free!


Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

Oh, "yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get
Dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you
Always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope...just when it's raining."

[cobra de capell]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But, Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his fricking widow."

[BUGSY00]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman who formerly was married to an Army Ranger.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a weapon.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”

The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job." NEXT!!!

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the weapon and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the trainee came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.” NEXT!!!

Finally, it was the Rangers ex Wife's turn. Only she was told to kill her new civilian husband. She took the weapon without hesitation and went into the room........ Shots were heard, 3 round controlled bursts of fire.......then they heard screaming, crashing, loud banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, breathin hard but steady in almost a controlled quiet manner, with this wild yet satisfied look in her eyes. The CIA agents looking shocked go in the room and sure enough see her husband deader than a doornail, totally beaten to crap.

They quickly go back outside and see the woman wipe the sweat from her brow and she goes..... “You guys didn’t tell me the weapon was loaded with blanks. So like my ex Ranger husband always used to tell me, when your original mission plan goes bad improvise and adapt to your environment..... so I had to improvise and beat him to death with the chair NEXT!!!

[Ron61]

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT "BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there
was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and
brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new
bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.

Ron

[BigGuy]

Turpentine vs Holy Water




A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon

of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the

bubbles. A while later a Priest came along and

asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful

liquid in the world, it's called turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in
the
world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy
Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly,
she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'You take some of this here
turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll
pass a Harley Davidson.'

[cobra de capell]

One Man’s Good Fight

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented “You’re definitely going to mess yourself” chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No “Watson’s Movement 2”. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that “Uh oh, gotta go” pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could’ve warned that poor woman but didn’t. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things “clamped down”, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable “Oh my God”, floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of “Shock and Awe”. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, “ Oh my God!”, then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, “Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.”

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, “IT’S YOU!”, then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson’s. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.

[cobra de capell]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk,as he often did,

and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
‘Who the hell are you?’ demanded Dave, ‘and what are you doing in my bedroom?’

The mysterious man answered ‘This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter.’

Dave was stunned ‘You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said

goodbye to my family. . You’ve got to send me back straight away.’

St Peter replied ‘Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.

We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.’

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was cov ered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

‘This ain’t so bad’ he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard

rooster strolled over and said ‘So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?’

‘It’s not so bad’ replies Dave, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode.’

‘You’re ovulating’ explained the rooster, ‘don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.’ ‘Never’ replies Dave.

‘Well just relax and let it happen’.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from

under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the be tter of him as he experienced

motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being

reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on

the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

Dave, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you’ve sh*t the bed!

[Ron61]

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot
when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

"The young guy says, "That's OK. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find
her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long
legs, and big boobs. She's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and
no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old timer says...... "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours!"

Most Old timers are helpful like that!

Ron

[mike knight]

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Marine says, "Well, we had Iwo Jima."

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, "We had the Battle of Midway."

"Not entirely true", responded the Marine. "Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot* killed at the Battle of Midway."

The sailor responds, "Point taken."

The Marine then says, "We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!"

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, "But we had John Paul Jones."

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Navy invented sex!"

The Marine replies, "That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women."

SEMPER FI

[Ron61]

Back to top. Let the other other one die in peace.

Ron

[Ron61]

Marine Corps Rules

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional, but, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always win. There is no unfair fight.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you ar e not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.




Navy SEAL's Rules

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.





US Army Rangers Rules

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving





US Army Rules

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LT's; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.



US ARMY RECON
1. Slip silently into area of operations.
2. Kill anything that moves or breathes.
3. Sneak out of area of operations.
4. Haul ass to the LZ for the pickup.
5 Call in heavy artillery and an air strike to cover up infiltration activity.
6. Destroy all maps and reference materials.
7. Play dumb when you return to firebase.



US Air Force Rules
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.




US Navy Rules
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines

[CobraDan]

Breaking News:
CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies
on the screens of the pumps, so that you can see someone
else get screwed at the same time you do...!!

[Ron61]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most
perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In

the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone
rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a
terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the Intensive Care Unit.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be

there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was

shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple

of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of

the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee
slice, complimentary, from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then, she
remembered her husband.


Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor
and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and
shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope
you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying
yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!

It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than
likely the last shopping trip you ever take! "For the rest of his life he will
require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"


The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed ...


The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead.
What did you buy?"

[cobra de capell]

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars?
What about those long and boring conference calls?
Here's a way to change all of that:

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5" x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

basically
core competencies
best practice
bottom line
revisit

obviously
to tell you the truth (or "the truth is")
24/7
out of the loop
benchmark

value-added
proactive
win-win
think outside the box
essentially

"hit the nail on the head",
"having said that"
"ya know what I'm say'n"
at the end of the day
touch base

he goes/she goes
client focus(ed)
paradigm
"I'm like"
leverage

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "pancakes!"

[Flittleton]

OK I'm In

I was feeling a little down today while traveling overseas.
I called the word help line and they set my call to a Pakistan help desk.
I told them I was feeling suicidal.
They got excited and asked me if I could drive a truck!

[Ron61]

Southern Charm

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an
endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the
California woman started by saying,

"When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for
me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband
bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying 'Who
gives a ****?' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious?'"

[BigGuy]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use
the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky .Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax
cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among
millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to
where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe
we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.

"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers.
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow".

.

[CobraDan]

Here's the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce...



After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.



Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship (and being married men, we all know THAT doesn't happen), it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.



On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charged $4,000 an hour. Crazy, right?



But...



Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+million).



Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no *****ing and complaining or "to do" lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.* *



Is it just me, or is it better to rent?