Joke of the Day...

[EarlsflyinCobra]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly.


'Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,

'Any idea where we are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'

[Tangible Toys]

There is a blonde, brunette & a redhead at the OBGYN office waiting for their appointments, they started chatting and the brunette said to them I know what Im having, Im having a boy because I was on top, the redhead said then I must be having a girl because I was on the bottom, the blonde is shaking her head saying no no, the redhead and brunette ask her whats the matter the blonde replies....I think Im having puppys!

[Tangible Toys]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman
picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down'

[Tangible Toys]

These are true stories...thought they were close enough to jokes

2008 Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here are the glorious top 10 winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.



And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Sarare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, has a crime been committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief in the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. that's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family.. unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember... They walk among us!!! **

[Tangible Toys]

BLONDE IN THE SNOW

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that
visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work.

She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about
her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got
caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and
follow it.

That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow
went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any
problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out
and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as
she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught
in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could
continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was
going over to Sears next.

[speed220mph]

the Pope....


It was late at night as the Pope, who had departed this world, was
approaching the gates of heaven. There was no one around, but there was a
small shack just prior to the gates with a light on. The Pope stepped into
the shack and startled a young man half asleep sitting at a small gray desk.

"Excuse me" said the Pope, "but I'm supposed to check in here with St.
Peter, but there is no one at the gate."

"Yea, Yea" said the young man, "Where are your orders?"

"I don't have any orders," said the Pope.

"Well it's too late to check in tonight anyhow." said the young man, "Just
go around to the back of the building, find a rack and dump your gear in a
locker. St. Peter will be here in the morning and you can check in then."

The Pope grabs his stuff and walks around the building only to find a WWII
style open bay barracks. The racks are stacked three high and the only open
one is all the way at the end of the building, and it¢s on top. He drags his
stuff to the end of the building, but there is no locker for him. He takes
a deep breath, thinks about it for a minute and decides this is just one
final test. He crawls up into the rack and falls asleep.

Suddenly he is awakened by a loud commotion outside the barracks. As he
walks outside he sees a huge crowd of angels cheering and clapping as a gold
convertible limousine approaches. As it draws nearer, the Pope sees a guy in
a flight suit and Navy leather flight jacket in the back seat with a
beautiful angel on each arm, a beer in his hand and he is smoking one of the
biggest cigars the Pope has ever seen. The Pope turns to the young man who
checked him in and asks, "Who is that guy?"

"A Naval Aviator," the young man replies.

The Pope says, "I don't get it. I worked hard all of my life to do God's
work on earth. As a young man I studied hard at the seminary, as a priest I
labored hard to tend my flock and provide guidance when they strayed. I
struggled as a bishop to serve the church and as Pope, I was able to attract
more followers of the faith. Yet, when I reach heaven, St. Peter isn't here
to greet me. I have to carry my own bags. I'm stuck in the top rack of an
open bay barracks and I don't even have a locker for my bags!"

The young man looks at the Pope and says. "Look, we get a Pope every 20-30
years, but he is the only Marine aviator who has ever made it!"

[Ibr8k4vetts]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot

In Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy

Territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a

Survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't

Break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy

Troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,

Killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she

Killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your

daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the **** away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking

[Bugman]

Here are some tips you all can share with the wife!

GOOD HOUSEKEEPER OR REAL WOMAN: TIPS FOR THE MODERN WOMAN

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice-cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Buy Deb mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
The Cheese Cake Shop sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's just tough. Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
It could keep forever. I don't eat it.

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg whites over the crust so I don't do that.

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
Got a headaches? Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it into a mug of tequila. Drink the Tequila. You might still have the headache, but at least you will be too drunk to care.

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Go ask mister cute arse, cute legs, single neighbour to do it for you.

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Left over wine???? Helloooo...

[CobraDan]

Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The horse died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck grew up and now works for the government. He's the one who figured out how
this "bail-out" is going to work!

[acecob]

A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ....'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'


The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am a Lebanese!'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia.' The person says, 'I not an Ozzie, I am from Yugoslavia!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you to the wonderful Australians!' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Italy , I am not from Australia!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian?'. She says , 'No, I am from Africa!' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?' The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'.

[Gunner]

A cop is cruising roads around the lake after dark and he comes on a car parked on the shoulder. He gets out and approaches it cautiously, flashlight out. Inside are two teens.

"Hey," he says, "What are you doing?"

"Well," the boy says, "I'm reading a book." He shows it to the cop.

"And you?" the cop asks the girl.

"I'm knitting a sweater. See? Almost done." She held it up.

The cop scratches his head for a moment. Then he asks the boy, "How old are you?"

Boy says, "Nineteen, sir."

The cop asks, "And her?"

"Well, sir," she replied, "in twenty-two minutes I'll be eighteen."

[Rick Parker]

The Girls next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

[mk2gt40]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,
> decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a
> nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
>
>
>
> She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he
> had any odd jobs for her to do.
>
>
> 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How
> much will you charge me?'
>
>
> Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
>
>
>
> The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she
> would need was in the garage.
>
>
> The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
>
>
>
> 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'
>
>
> He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
>
>
> The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
> those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
>
>
>
> Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
>
>
> 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
>
>
> 'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it
> two coats.'
>
>
> Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it
> to her along with a ten dollar tip.
>
>
> *'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'*
>
>

[fordracer]

A little Polish girl asks her mother, " Mom, is it true that babies come out where the man puts his penis? "

Mom replies, " Yes my dear, babies come from where the man puts his penis."

Shocked the girl asks, " Won't that hurt my mouth? "



Hear about the new Mexican sports car? It's got 4 on the floor and 12 in back.

[Maurice Johnson]

Guy gets a flat outside a mental hospital. Jacks the car up and puts the 4 wheel nuts in the hubcap. bounces the spare out of the trunk,it hits the hubcap, flips it over, and all 4 nuts go down the drain. He stands back and scratches his head for a few minutes. A patient, who has been watching him from a window says "why don't you put 1 nut from each of the other wheels on that wheel. All 4 wheels will be equally supported, and you can drive safely to the gas station."
The driver says," hey ,that is a good idea. If you could figure that out, why are you in a mental institution?"
The guy says," I am in here because I am crazy--not because I'm stupid"

[Ron61]

The Lie Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at
the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"'Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."

"'Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Barrack Obama's clock?" asked the man.

"'Obama's clock is in Jesus’ office."

"Why is that?"


"He's using it as a ceiling fan.."

[Joe Wicked]

LMAO. That was funny as hell.

[Ralphy]

During Thanksgiving dinner, I was reaching across the table for a biscuit when Granny slapped my hand and asked "Boy, don't you have a tongue?" I said, "Yes, Granny, but my arm is longer."

[392cobra]

A self absorbed, Ultra Liberal woman, decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She charges the $15,000 to her platinum credit card, has the procedure and feels pretty good about the results.

A couple of week later and the facial swelling is gone so she finally leaves her house for the first time to attend a large Global warming rally. Since she is a climate change organizer in her district, she is invited backstage to meet Al Gore. Al reminds her to “be green” that polar bears are dying and to always promote Obama and his radical Socialist/Marxist agendas at any opportunity in order to save the planet.

After she leaves the rally, she stops at a news stand to buy a New York Times. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily! Global warming is destroying the planet and I voted for Obama! He’s fundamentally transforming America!’

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50! Global warming is destroying the planet and I voted for Obama! He’s fundamentally transforming America!’

Now she's feeling really good about herself so she stops in a nearby drug store on her way home to treat herself to some new makeup. She goes up to the counter to pay for her items and asks the clerk the same question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50! Global warming is destroying the planet and I voted for Obama! He’s fundamentally transforming America!’

While waiting at the bus stop for the bus (saving the planet and all) to go to the mall to shop for some new clothes, she asks an old man sitting on the bench next to her the same question that she had asked the others.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and a staunch Conservative! I’ve worked hard all my life, lived within my means and responsibly saved any extra money for a rainy day wherever possible. I’ve served in the military and fought many deadly battles for our nation! I’ve paid a high price for my service and have a purple heart to prove it! I have protected America from all foreign enemies, only to see my glorious America destroyed by a corrupt Socialist/Marxist president.

I have seen my property value, stock value and the US dollar nearly destroyed by greedy Washington politicians while the cost of living and my taxes have risen through the roof! Then, when I do realize that my eyesight is nearly gone the VA, Medicare and Medicaid decide that I’m just too old for the procedure and the medicine is too expensive!

So in just a few years I went from being financially sound and secure to being old, broke, nearly blind and riding a bus!

But…., when I was young there was always a sure-fire way to tell exactly how old a woman was. So even though I’m old and nearly blind, I can know without a doubt, exactly how old you are. It may sound very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra and feel your breasts. Then, and only then, can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence for the bus on the empty street until the Liberal woman’s curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the heck, I just have to know, go ahead and try.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse. He squeezes and fondles her breasts. After a couple of minutes, he removes his hands from under her top. She then says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He leans back, looks her straight in the eyes and says, 'Madam, you are exactly 50 years old.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell just from feeling my breasts?'

The old man says, 'well, I can tell you but you must first promise that you won't get mad.'

'I promise I won't be angry,' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds and only GULLIBLE DUMBASSES believe the global warming lie and voted for Obama & his communist agenda!'

[Wes Tausend]

...

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,

"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five time s a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman..

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, government health care plan."

Wes

...