Joke of the Day...

[Gunner]

A cop is cruising roads around the lake after dark and he comes on a car parked on the shoulder. He gets out and approaches it cautiously, flashlight out. Inside are two teens.

"Hey," he says, "What are you doing?"

"Well," the boy says, "I'm reading a book." He shows it to the cop.

"And you?" the cop asks the girl.

"I'm knitting a sweater. See? Almost done." She held it up.

The cop scratches his head for a moment. Then he asks the boy, "How old are you?"

Boy says, "Nineteen, sir."

The cop asks, "And her?"

"Well, sir," she replied, "in twenty-two minutes I'll be eighteen."

[Rick Parker]

The Girls next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

[mk2gt40]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,
> decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a
> nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
>
>
>
> She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he
> had any odd jobs for her to do.
>
>
> 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How
> much will you charge me?'
>
>
> Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
>
>
>
> The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she
> would need was in the garage.
>
>
> The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
>
>
>
> 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'
>
>
> He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
>
>
> The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
> those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
>
>
>
> Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
>
>
> 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
>
>
> 'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it
> two coats.'
>
>
> Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it
> to her along with a ten dollar tip.
>
>
> *'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'*
>
>

[fordracer]

A little Polish girl asks her mother, " Mom, is it true that babies come out where the man puts his penis? "

Mom replies, " Yes my dear, babies come from where the man puts his penis."

Shocked the girl asks, " Won't that hurt my mouth? "



Hear about the new Mexican sports car? It's got 4 on the floor and 12 in back.

[Maurice Johnson]

Guy gets a flat outside a mental hospital. Jacks the car up and puts the 4 wheel nuts in the hubcap. bounces the spare out of the trunk,it hits the hubcap, flips it over, and all 4 nuts go down the drain. He stands back and scratches his head for a few minutes. A patient, who has been watching him from a window says "why don't you put 1 nut from each of the other wheels on that wheel. All 4 wheels will be equally supported, and you can drive safely to the gas station."
The driver says," hey ,that is a good idea. If you could figure that out, why are you in a mental institution?"
The guy says," I am in here because I am crazy--not because I'm stupid"

[Ron61]

The Lie Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at
the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"'Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."

"'Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Barrack Obama's clock?" asked the man.

"'Obama's clock is in Jesus’ office."

"Why is that?"


"He's using it as a ceiling fan.."

[Joe Wicked]

LMAO. That was funny as hell.

[Ralphy]

During Thanksgiving dinner, I was reaching across the table for a biscuit when Granny slapped my hand and asked "Boy, don't you have a tongue?" I said, "Yes, Granny, but my arm is longer."

[392cobra]

A self absorbed, Ultra Liberal woman, decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She charges the $15,000 to her platinum credit card, has the procedure and feels pretty good about the results.

A couple of week later and the facial swelling is gone so she finally leaves her house for the first time to attend a large Global warming rally. Since she is a climate change organizer in her district, she is invited backstage to meet Al Gore. Al reminds her to “be green” that polar bears are dying and to always promote Obama and his radical Socialist/Marxist agendas at any opportunity in order to save the planet.

After she leaves the rally, she stops at a news stand to buy a New York Times. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily! Global warming is destroying the planet and I voted for Obama! He’s fundamentally transforming America!’

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50! Global warming is destroying the planet and I voted for Obama! He’s fundamentally transforming America!’

Now she's feeling really good about herself so she stops in a nearby drug store on her way home to treat herself to some new makeup. She goes up to the counter to pay for her items and asks the clerk the same question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50! Global warming is destroying the planet and I voted for Obama! He’s fundamentally transforming America!’

While waiting at the bus stop for the bus (saving the planet and all) to go to the mall to shop for some new clothes, she asks an old man sitting on the bench next to her the same question that she had asked the others.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and a staunch Conservative! I’ve worked hard all my life, lived within my means and responsibly saved any extra money for a rainy day wherever possible. I’ve served in the military and fought many deadly battles for our nation! I’ve paid a high price for my service and have a purple heart to prove it! I have protected America from all foreign enemies, only to see my glorious America destroyed by a corrupt Socialist/Marxist president.

I have seen my property value, stock value and the US dollar nearly destroyed by greedy Washington politicians while the cost of living and my taxes have risen through the roof! Then, when I do realize that my eyesight is nearly gone the VA, Medicare and Medicaid decide that I’m just too old for the procedure and the medicine is too expensive!

So in just a few years I went from being financially sound and secure to being old, broke, nearly blind and riding a bus!

But…., when I was young there was always a sure-fire way to tell exactly how old a woman was. So even though I’m old and nearly blind, I can know without a doubt, exactly how old you are. It may sound very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra and feel your breasts. Then, and only then, can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence for the bus on the empty street until the Liberal woman’s curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the heck, I just have to know, go ahead and try.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse. He squeezes and fondles her breasts. After a couple of minutes, he removes his hands from under her top. She then says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He leans back, looks her straight in the eyes and says, 'Madam, you are exactly 50 years old.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell just from feeling my breasts?'

The old man says, 'well, I can tell you but you must first promise that you won't get mad.'

'I promise I won't be angry,' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds and only GULLIBLE DUMBASSES believe the global warming lie and voted for Obama & his communist agenda!'

[Wes Tausend]

...

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,

"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five time s a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman..

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, government health care plan."

Wes

...

[BOBM]

A horse walks up to the bar. The bartender says "Why the long face".

[Ron61]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.


The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

[Ron61]

Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman.

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

[Dan40]

I was so depressed last night thinking about
the economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement
Funds, etc.......

I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' Call Center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Ron61]

Good one Dan.

Ron

[Juggernaut]

They Gave Me a Rolex!

My Neighbors............. The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for Christmas.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.


It was very nice of them but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."

[Ibr8k4vetts]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed
> > Listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
> > It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
> > The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
> > She goes downstairs.
> >
> > The blonde finally comes back up to bed And her husband says "The dog
> > is still barking, What have you been doing?"
> >
> > The blonde says,
> > "I put the dog in our backyard,
> > let's see how THEY like it!

[Legless]

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day..

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[EarlsflyinCobra]

Winter Classes for Women
AT THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Thursday January 28, 2010
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or *****ing About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.


Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Send this to all your guy friends
For the best chuckle of their day .....
And to all your gal friends who have a sense of humor ..

[Ibr8k4vetts]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
Welcome to heaven, says St. Peter. Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so were not sure what to do with you.
No problem, just let me in, says the man.
Well, Id like to, but I have orders from higher up. What well do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.
Really, Ive made up my mind. I want to be in heaven, says the senator.
Im sorry, but we have our rules.
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
Now its time to visit heaven.
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
Well, then, youve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and hes in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. I dont understand, stammers the senator. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now theres just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..
Today you voted