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  #201 (permalink)  
Old 01-06-2002, 11:13 PM
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Oh sh!t--that's it! We found the absolute bottom.
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  #202 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2002, 01:46 AM
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Nah, I'm sure you can go lower than that Jamo.
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  #203 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2002, 02:55 AM
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Talking World's Biggest Lies

1. The check is in the mail.
2. I'll respect you in the morning.
3. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
4. It's only a cold sore.
5. You get this one, I'll pay next time.
6. My wife doesn't understand me.
7. Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
8. Of course I love you.
9. I am getting a divorce.
10. Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
11. I never inhaled.
12. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
13. I never watch television except for PBS.
14. ...but we can still be good friends.
15. She means nothing to me.
16. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
17. I gave at the office.
18. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
19. I'll call you later.
20. We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.
21. Read my lips: no new taxes.
22. I've never done anything like this before.
23. Now, I'm going to tell you the truth.
24. It's supposed to make that noise.
25. I *love* your new _____!
26. ...then take a left. You can't miss it.
27. Yes, I did.
28. Don't worry, it's OK -- I'm sterile.
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  #204 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2002, 08:19 AM
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Taste or something prevailed.

Last edited by ERA535; 01-07-2002 at 05:21 PM..
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  #205 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2002, 09:22 AM
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Talking Genie

Gary Condit, while relaxing at his tropical hideaway, found a bottle on the beach. When he picked it up Chandra Levy rose from the
bottle in a purple haze.
"Master, may I grant you a wish?" the beautiful purple genie asked with a smile.
"Don't you know who I am? I don't need you to help me now!" barked Condit.
Chandra pleaded, "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."
Gary thought for a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, said, "Okay, okay, I want to wake up with three women in
my bed in the morning, now go away and leave me alone!!"
The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared back into the bottle.
The next morning, Condit woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken, and he had no health insurance.
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  #206 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2002, 09:26 AM
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Wink READ THE FOLLOWING SIX STATEMENTS AND THE AMAZING CONCLUSION THEY LEAD TO:

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance-level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
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  #207 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2002, 10:46 AM
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ERA 2.4

That's it--we're strapping your a$$ to the roof rack!
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  #208 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2002, 01:10 PM
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Talking

Well what do you know !!!, they are the size of golf balls !
But a corporite ociffer...I don't think so...

Hersh
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  #209 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2002, 01:32 PM
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Talking

A madame who managed to keep he good looks at forty and run
her business decided to sell, now that she was extremely
wealthy. She had one dream and that was to find a forty yr old
male virgin to fall in love with and marry. She Hired people
across the globe to find such a person. After several months
with no luck she recieved a call from Her hired PI in Australia.
He explained to her that he had found the perfect match. The
gentleman was a truck driver and he had never made love to a woman. So she flies over to Australia and meets the truck driver.
They fall madly in love and decided to get married and spend their honeymoon in the most luxurious hotel in Sydney. Once in the suite, she told him to wait here and she was going into the
bathroom and get ready for him. After an hour she returned
into the room and found her new husband standing in the
middle of the room with no clothes on and all the furniture
was piled up in the corner. She was totally shocked at this and
asked "What the heck is going on?"
The husband looked at her and says " It's true that I have never
made love to a woman but if it's anything like making love to a
kangaroo you need all the room you can get !

Hersh
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  #210 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2002, 01:50 PM
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A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. Sits down and orders a drink.

A few minutes later the monkey walks over to the hard boiled egg jar and takes one out and eats it.

The bartender protests to the patron, " did you see what your monkey did?" The owner says he's always putting things in his mouth and eating them.

A little while passes and the monkey goes over to the pickle jar, pulls out a pickle and eats it.

Again the bartender protests to the owner.

After a little while the monkey goes over to the pool table, picks up the cue ball and eats it. Now the bartender is really upset.

So the patron and the monkey leave.

About a week later then man goes back into the bar with the monkey. The man orders a drink.

After a few minutes the monkey goes over to the marichino cherry jar, takes one out and sticks it up his ass. He then pulls it out of his ass and eats it.

The bartender tells the patron that is the most disgusting thing he has seen

The patron tells the bartender, that ever since he ate the cue ball, he checks the size on everything now
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  #211 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2002, 02:03 PM
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Default Same lucky kangaroo, different woman, different guy.............

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change, and would only get one by marrying a virgin male close to her age.

She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married.

On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie.

When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed, and everything in the room, and stacked it in one corner of the room.

Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."

He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like sex with a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"
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  #212 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2002, 02:45 PM
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Default Sorry, Dave....

...but the judges have ruled this one is too similar to BTSnake's post and have disqualified your post.

BTSnake...would you like to sue Dave for possible "trade dress infringement"?

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  #213 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2002, 02:55 PM
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Talking

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl. It's a po-lice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
Just let me do the talkin,' OK?", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each stuck a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl. "We's on the patch
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  #214 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2002, 04:17 PM
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Talking

Three gay guys were killedin a horrible car wreck. All their
lovers were at the funeral services where the bodies had been
cremated. The first lover says to the other two. "My bobby was
so fond of fishing I think I will spead his ashes on his
favorite lake". Then the second lover says " My Tony really
enjoyed flying so I'm gonna take his ashes up in an airplane
and scatter them in the wind."
The third lover looks at the other two for a minute then says
" My willie was such a great lover. I'm going to go home and
make the biggest and hottest pot of chili I can. Then I'm
gonna stir his ashes in it and eat a big bowl full so that man
can tear my a$$hole up one more time!"

Hersh
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  #215 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2002, 06:02 PM
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Jamo et al,
That attempt at humor was out of line.
Sorry.

ERA000
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  #216 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2002, 06:25 PM
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ERA 534.999999999999999
Surely you gest--what "line"????? (probably a good move editing, though)
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  #217 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2002, 06:43 PM
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Default Talk with the animals...

A cowboy was riding across the plains when he spied an indian tending his flock of sheep, with his dog and his horse at his side. The cowboy rode up, got off his horse and said hello. They talked for awhile, and the cowboy asked if he could talk to the indian's dog. The indian said, "Dog no talk." The cowboy turned to the dog and said, "Hi, how are you?", and the dog said, "I'm just great." The cowboy proceeded to have a short conversation with the dog about the indian, and how well he treated the dog. The indian was stunned!
The cowboy then asked the indian if he could talk to his horse. The indian said, "Horse no talk." But the cowboy turned to the horse and carried on a short conversation about the indian, and how well he treated the horse; again, the indian watched in amazement!
The cowboy then asked, "Do you mind if I talk to some of the sheep?", to which the indian replied, "Sheep lie."
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  #218 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2002, 07:44 PM
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Thumbs up

A guy walks into a bar and orders two martinis. The
bartender brings both martinis over and sets them down.
The bartenders says "hey Mack you don't have to order
two drinks at once, I'll bring you a fresh one when you finish."
"Oh no, it's not that. It's for my friend here." The man
commence to remove a 6" man from his pocket that quickly
went up to the martini glass an proceeded to drink.
"Wow!" exclaimed the bartender. "Is he for real?"
"Yeah, he's real alright. That's by best friend Frank.
" Well can he talk?" asked the bartender.
Why sure he can exclaimed the man. "Hey Frank tell the
bartender about that time we were in Africa and you
told that witch doctor to get F**ked.

Hersh
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  #219 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2002, 10:37 PM
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A father in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, makes

a turn at a red light where it isn't allowed. "Uh-oh, I just

made an illegal turn!" the man said.


"That's OK Dad," the son says, "The police car right behind us

did the same thing."
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  #220 (permalink)  
Old 01-08-2002, 12:52 AM
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A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properlyto obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."
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