Joke of the Day...

[mr0077]

(best done with a heavy Chinese brogue for the doctor)
There was this woman who was having a terrible time getting a date, so she went to a doctor, who was Chinese.
"Doctor, I can't seem to get a man to go out on a date with me", she said.
The doctor told her to take off her clothes, which she did. He examined her, then told her to get down on all fours. He looked at her, then said, "Craw' acloss froor", which she did. Then the doctor said, "Craw' back acloss froor." When she had done this, the doctor said, "Rady, you have Ed Zachery disease."
"Ed Zachery disease? What's that?", she said.
The doctor replied, "Ah, so. That when you face look ed zachery like you a$$!"

[stush]

Few quick ones:
Q. What is a yankee?
A. Same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it is worth it.

Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Donuts

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it is no big deal unless you are not getting any.

Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A. 100 people who don't do dick>

Stu

[CobraDan]

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming,
"I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."
But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads ...


WIN A BAGEL

[CobraDan]

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an
erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to
the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes
the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.
"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating,
and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.
"So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available,
but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a
baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going
through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me.
What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the
operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant
to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a
stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches
the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the
pressure. Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the
tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do
that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can
fit another dinner roll up my a**!"

[CobraDan]

Buckwheat & Darla were at school, and the teacher asks Darla," How do you spell dumb?"
She says "d-u-m-b, dumb "
The teacher says "Very good Darla, now use it in a sentence."
She says, "Buckwheat is dumb"
Then the teacher says," How do you spell stupid?"
Darla says" s-t-u-p-I-d, stupid"
The teacher says "Very good Darla, now use it in a sentence"
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid"
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says "Buckwheat spell dictate"
Buckwheat says "d-I-c-t-a-t-e dictate "
The teacher says "Very good Buckwheat, now use it in a sentence"
Buckwheat replies "I may be dumb and I may be stupid but Darla says my dictate good"

[dkjos]

Can you believe Monica Lewinsky turned 28 years old this week? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.

[poorboy]

A busness man on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."


" And What," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"


The busnessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Interal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have eveything."

[CobraDan]

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what
he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The granddad replied, "Well, let me think a minute ...I was born, before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill.
There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.
Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers,
and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.
Your grandmother and I got married first-and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother, and every boy over 14 had a rifle that his dad taught him how to use and
respect. And they went hunting and fishing together.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, "Sir"-and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
Sundays were set aside for going to church as a family, helping those in need, and visiting with family or neighbors.
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar,
and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day, 'grass' was mowed, 'coke' was a cold drink, 'pot' was something your mother cooked in, and 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby. "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, 'chip' meant a piece of wood, 'hardware' was found in a hardware store, and 'software' wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.
...and how old do you think he is-???


...This man would be only 59 years old.

[ERA535]

This one is clever.

“All citizens of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be advised that since the Euro had been adopted as the official currency of the European Common Market, from henceforth the term: “spend a penny” is no longer valid. The correct terminology to be put into immediate use is “Euronate”.

[ERA535]

A group on nuns are travelling in a car when it has a flat tire. They get out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly do not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-*****," he yelled.

The eldest nun said to him,"That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."

"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-*****", he yelled again.

"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."

"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me'".

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me." At that, the car lifted up into the air by itself.

The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-*****!"

[CobraDan]

Jay and his blonde wife live in Chicago. One winter morning while listening
to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going
to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even
numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Jay's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We
are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get
through."
Jay's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer
says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park...",
then the electric power goes out.
Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what
to do."
Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

A little winter joke for all you snowbirds that actually stay north for the winter, and another blonde joke.

[shelby (uk)]

A man was leaving a cafe after his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull dog on a leash. Behind him was queue of about 200 men or more walking in single file. The man couldnt stand the curiosity, so he respectfully approached the man walking the dog, I am so sorry for your loss, and i know now is a bad time to disturb you, but ive never seen a funeral like this, whos funeral is it? The man replied, "Well that first hearse is for my wife" What happened to her? The man replied " my dog attacked and killed her" he enquired further, "well, who is in the second hearse?" the man answered, "my mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her"
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"can i borrow the dog?"
"join the queue"

[mr0077]

A guy, his wife and daughter were driving down the road on vacation. They were in a great mood. Just then he saw a guy at the side of the road, with his car broken down. His wife said, "Honey, let's stop and help that guy." So, the guy stopped, got out and walked over to ask the fellow what was wrong. The guy said "This ain't yer lucky day", pulled out a gun and told the man to take off all his clothes. He then tied the man's wrists to his ankles, grabbed his wife and raped her, then raped his daughter, while the man watched! The guy then pulled all the man's stuff out of the trunk and threw it on the ground, pushed the man over onto his side, threw the wife and daughter into the car and drove off, with the wife and daughter getting all cozy with the guy!
Well, by this time, the man was really feeling down. He struggled to his feet, and was hopping down the road, trying to figure out what to do, when he heard an 18-wheeler pull up and stop. He hopped around, and saw the trucker coming over. The trucker asked him what happened, and the man told him the whole sad story. The trucker thinks for a second, then walks toward him, pulling down his zipper, and says, "This just ain't yer lucky day..."

[CobraDan]

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together.
The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail.
The robbery begins. Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan.
You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash.
Do you understand the plan?" "Perfectly," said Buffie.
Buffie goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car. One minute passes . . . Two minutes pass . . . Seven minutes pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.
About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.
The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.
As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffie said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

[ERA535]

Math

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence

and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with

the first gun shot"

The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three

women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking

the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third

is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one

that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with

the wedding ring on, ... but I like your thinking."

[John McMahon]

Dear Consumas:

It has come ta our attention dat a coupola copies of the
WINDOWS 98/BROOKLYN EDITION may have accidentally
bin shipped outsida Broooklyn. If ya got one a dese, you may
need some help understandin' da commands.

Da Brooklyn edition may be recognized by da unique openin'
screen. It reads:

"WINDAS 98," wit a background picture of Grand Army Plaza. When you start da program, instead of da usual "harpy, stringy"
music, you hear da teme from da Godfadda. It is also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.

Please also note:
* Recycle Bin is labeled "Staten Island."
* My Computer is called "My Friggin' Computa."
* The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk."
* Deleted Items are referred to as "Wacked," "Erased," or "Rubbed Out."
* Dial up Networking is called "Da Bar."
* Control Panel is known as the "Da Bosses."
* Performin' an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin' the family business" and will actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down.
* Hard Drive is referred to as "Da BQE Rush Hour."
* Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna friggin' believe dis!" pops up.
* The greeting sound is "HowYaDoin'"

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA BROOKLYN EDITION:

OK...................Sure ting
Cancel...........Fugetaboutit
Reset.............Start Ova
Yes.................Yeah
No...................Nah
Find................Put a contract out on
Browse..........Get a looksee
Back...............U toin
Help................(Help ain't available - yous don't need
no stinkin'
help)
Stop.................Knock it off
Start.................Move it!
Settings..........Here's d' Rules

Also note dat any voice recognition software run on da
BROOKLYN EDITION platform don't recognize da letter "R."

Some programs and udder accessories dat are exclusive to WINDAS 98:

Typa................A word processin' program
Printa...............Printer
Calculata..........Calculator
Solitare.............Seven Card Stud

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of da BROOKLYN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

Yous got a problem wit dat?

BILL ("4 eyes") GATES

[CobraDan]

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
TWELVE- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
THIRTEEN- The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
FIFTEEN- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
SIXTEEN- It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
SEVENTEEN- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

[Dave Samson]

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.

"Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink.

They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night.

The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replied....
You just happened to catch my eye!"


Get it !

[CobraDan]

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your A$$?

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an a$$hole

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.

Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots....I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

Hang up and drive.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will...I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.

And the #1 bumper sticker of the week....Honk If You Want To See My Finger

[CobraDan]

An old soldier was celebrating 82 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes.
"Hello toes!" he said, "how are you, toes? You know, you are 82 today.
Oh, the times we`ve had! Remember when we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!"
"Hello knees", he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you`re 82 today.
Oh, the times we`ve had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we`ve jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willy! If you were alive today, you`d be 82 years old!"