Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an
early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight
away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch
measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body,
with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man
to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet.
He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from
the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet.
He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to
measure, he told the pension man, "Measure from the tip of my penis to
the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested that perhaps
the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice
checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted,
and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better
get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants.
He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's
penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your
testicles?" "In Vietnam!" the general replied.

[Flyin_Freddie]

Duplicate joke, Dan....you're DQ'd...

[CobraDan]

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically attracted to my horse."
"Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am, queer?"

[Dave Samson]

Hey Dan, since when do you complain when it's hard

[ERA535]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper
according to
lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed
areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror-make mental
note- must do
more sit-ups.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide
loofah and pumice
stone.
Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43
added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner
enhances with natural
avocado oil.
Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten
minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body
wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has
all come off).
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area, but
decide to get it
waxed instead.
Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you
lose the water
pressure.
Turn of the shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze
hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on
head.
If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed
areas and
then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting
dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and
leave them in a
pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her
making the “woo-woo”
sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your
gut to see if you
have pecs (no).
Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch you
butt.
Fart.
Get in the shower.
Don’t bother to look for a washcloth (you don’t use one).
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse
it off.
Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
Majority of time is spent washing your privates and
surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap
bar.
Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror
again.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower.
Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the
curtain hanging out
of the tub the whole time.
Partially dry off.
Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire wiener
size again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
Leave bathroom fan and light on.
Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you
pass your wife,
pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the
“woo-woo” sound again.
Throw wet towel on the bed.
Get dressed in under two minutes. Fart

[Jamo]

This is assolutely the winning post on this entire thread!

[CobraDan]

Two hunters from Michigan--(true story). A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog?
Let's talk about the dog:
A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. As the dog heads back towards them, the two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!
And you thought your day was not going well?

[Hotfingrs]

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
> >
> >"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I
> >just finished cleaning!"
> >
> >My mother taught me RELIGION:
> >
> >"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
> >
> >My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
> >
> >"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
> >into the middle of next week!"
> >
> >My mother taught me LOGIC:
> >
> >"Because I said so, that's why."
> >
> >My Mother taught me LOGIC:
> >
> >"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
> >you're not going to the store with me."
> >
> >My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
> >
> >"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in
> >an accident"
> >
> >My mother taught me IRONY:
> >
> >"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry
> >about."
> >
> >My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
> >
> >"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
> >
> >My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
> >
> >"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your
> >neck!"
> >
> >My mother taught me about STAMINA:
> >
> >"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
> >
> >My mother taught me about WEATHER:
> >"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
> >
> >My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
> >
> >"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you,
> >would you listen THEN?"
> >
> >My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
> >
> >"If I've told you once, I've told you a million
> >times--Don't Exaggerate!!!"
> >
> >My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
> >
> >"I brought you into this world, and I can take you
> >out."
> >
> >My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
> >
> >"Stop acting like your father!"
> >
> >My mother taught me about ENVY!
> >
> >"There are millions of less fortunate children in this
> >world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
> >
> >My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
> >
> >"Just wait until we get home."
> >
> >My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:
> >
> >"You are going to get it when we get home!"
> >
> >My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
> >
> >"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
> >to freeze that way."
> >
> >My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
> >
> >"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never
> >get a good job."
> >
> >My Mother taught me ESP:
> >
> >"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when
> >you're cold?"
> >
> >My Mother taught me HUMOR:
> >
> >"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come
> >running to me."
> >
> >My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
> >
> >"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow
> >up."
> >
> >My Mother taught me about SEX:
> >
> >"How do you think you got here?"
> >
> >My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
> >
> >"You're just like your father."
> >
> >My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
> >
> >"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
> >
> >My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:
> >
> >"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
> >
> >And my all time favorite...
> >
> >My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
> >
> >"One day you'll have kids ...and I hope they turn out
> >just like you!"

[CobraDan]

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any...
True story...a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's
that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!

[wicked fast]

An 85 year old man went to the doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave him a jar and said "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow".

The next day the old guy reappears at the doctors office and gaves him the jar, which was clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doc asked what happened and the man explained.

"Well doc, it's like this-first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. then I tried my left hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Ruth the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing"!!

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor???"

The old guy replied,"Yep. And no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the jar open.

[Anthony]

What do you call a blonde woman who dyes her hair brunette?

Artificial Intelligence.

[CobraDan]

THE SPOON








Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that
the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a
little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.

The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[Anthony]

An elderly couple goes to the doctors for their annual exam, and upon leaving, the wife asks the doctor if she could speak to him in private. The doctor agrees, and they go into a nearby room.

The wife states that at times she would like to be physically closer to her husband, Bill, but most of the time he is not interested, and also has problems getting an erection. She asks the doctor if there is anything that can be done about it. He responds that there is this new drug called "Viagra" that does wonders. He tells her to try it some morning, to slip it into his coffee, and let it go to work. He asks her to come back in a week or so to let him know how it worked.

She leaves, and then comes back next week. The doctor first notices a frown on her face, and then asks her if she tried it? She says yes. He asks her what happened? Still with a frown on her face, she responds that she did just as he said, she slipped it into Bill's Coffee in the morning, and then after about 5 minutes, he got a strange look on his face, stood up, pushed the breakfast to the side of the table, came over to her, lifted her up on the table, pulled her pants down, dropped his pants down, and then went to it. The doctor asks "well, was the sex bad? Again, still with a frown on her face, she says" No, it was the best sex we ever had, it was actually fantastic. The doctor asks "well then what is the problem, why are you distraught ? She says " I don't think we can show our faces in that McDonalds again.

[ERA535]

In Florida and Arizona, the Personal Ads for older folks have become rather long in the tooth. These ads will be typical ten years from now, but they are already in vogue in these two states. Here is a sampling...

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious, blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim, 5’4” (used to be 5’6”), Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out, and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser, to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Doesn’t run but walks well.

Thanks Mike!

[Jack21]

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for
London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked thelength of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed
middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war
weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed
and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people.
Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but
after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself
again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very
tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up
the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat
down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You
know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir,
you've thrown the wrong ***** out the window."

[Dave Samson]

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added,
"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That
night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.
"He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry

[CobraDan]

As the woman passed her daughter's closed
bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing
noise coming from within.
Opening the door, she observed her daughter
giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are
you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old,
unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.
Please,go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same
buzz coming from the other side of the closed, bedroom door. Upon entering
the room,he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the
daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old,
unmarried, and this thing is about as close
as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away
and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from A shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her
husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch,
buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

[COBRAMIKE427]

THIS GUY WAKES UP IN THE MORNING HUNGOVER,PANTS AROUND HIS ANKLES AND DOESNT REMEMBER ANYTHING FROM THE PARTY THEN HE LOOKS DOWN AT HIS WILLY AND SEES A RED RING HALF WAY DOWN IT THEN HE LOOKS AT THE BASE AND SEES A BROWN RING SO IN HIS CONCERN HE GOES TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM AND SEES THE DOCTOR WHEN THE DOCTOR REAPPEARS THE GUY ASKS IS IT BAD DOC AND THE DOC SAYS YES AND NO SO THE GUY SAYS GIVE ME THE GOOD NEWS FIRST WELL THE DOC SAYS YOU DONT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THE RED RING ITS JUST LIPSTICK THE DOC THEN SAYS ITS THAT BROWN RING YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT.......ITS COPENHAGEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ERA535]

So this guy goes to Las Vegas and really ties one on - gets totally drunk, gambles, whores around etc. Next morning he wakes up in a motel room - REALLY hung over - feeling like hell. Slowly he opens his eyes and looks to his right - and there lies a really huge ethnic woman. He looks to the left and there is another one only she is slightly less huge. He closes his eyes and thinks about how he is going to get out of there....so he figures the best thing to do is slowly climb over the smaller of the two women. As he is climbing over her she wakes up and says "uh uh honey, I'm just the bridesmaid".

[CobraDan]

There's an Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman:
The Italian says, "When I have a-finished makina love with my girl-a-friend,
I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa 6 inches
abova da bed in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love
with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick ze soles
of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze
bed in pure ecstasy".
The Irishman says, "Dat's nottin'. When Oi've finished shaggin' me bord, I
get out of da bed, walk over to d' window and wipe me knob on the curtain.
She hits the roof."