Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

A lady got a job at a Zenith TV factory. After a week passed, she noticed that everyone had a name-tag except her.
She went to her supervisor and asked why she did not have a name-tag yet.
The supervisor said, "You'll have to see the president for that."
The lady made an appointment and saw the president of the company.
She asked him why she did not yet have a name-tag.
The president stood up, unzipped his pants, let his thing flop out on the desk and said, "Young lady, do you see THIS? This here is QUALITY!
And here at the Zenith Corporation, QUALITY goes IN before the name goes on."

[wicked fast]

CobraDan,

That one is SOOOO old, I remeber telling it when I was in grade school 30 years ago.

Thanks for the memory.

[CobraDan]

Wicked fast, I am old but we always have new people who have not heard the old ones.

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his
watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was
just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about
it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
"The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not
wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be
broken because I am wearing panties!"
Bond taps his watch and says, "Damned thing's an hour fast."

[CobraDan]

Three sisters age 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs "Was I getting in or out of the bath?".
The 94 year old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door".

[CobraDan]

A man goes to the doctor complaining that his right arm hurts like mad.
After an examination, the M.D. diagnosis his problem as chronic tennis elbow, but suggests a rather expensive urine test to verify the diagnosis.
When the man explains this to his wife, she says "That's horse sh!t , you can't diagnose tennis elbow from a urine sample!"
She takes his half full spacimin jar and adds a squirt of her own, has their daughter do the same and just for good luck, gets a few drops from the family dog.
The man sends the sample off to the lab, and a couple of days later the doctor calls back with the results.
"Well the results of your specimen are back,
Your wife is screwing the mailman
Your dog is pregnant
Your daughter has the clap
And if you don't stop jerking off,
you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow."

[Chad Johnson]

The Moral of the Story

A horse and a chicken grew up on a farm together and became real good
friends. One day the horse got stuck in a real big mud bog and starting
yelling for the chicken to get some help. The chicken runs to the farmhouse
for the farmer but he not there. The chicken starts looking around frantic to
find a way to help his friend the horse. He sees the farmers Cobra sitting in the
Garage with the keys in it. So the chicken jumps in the Cobra and drives it over
near the mud bog. He ties a rope around the rear bumper and throws the other
end to the horse. Then pulls his friend out of the bog.
A few days later the chicken gets stuck in a smaller but deep mud hole and
starts yelling for the horse. The horse struts over to see what he can do to
help his friend. After a minute the horse rears up and then settles his front
legs on the other side of the mud hole. He looks down at the chicken and
tells him to grab hold of his manhood. The chicken does so and the horse pulls
him to safety.

Morale:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Cobra to pick up Chicks.

[CobraDan]

1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners.

[Gordon Claunch]

The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam

NAME: ____________________________
GANG NAME: ______________________

1. Little Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 hoes. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?

6. Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the hoe that spent his money?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?

8. Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?

9. Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one week's income?

10. Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his Magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?

[CobraDan]

Today's Joke...
Father, I've Fallen

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his
parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the
pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery,
I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.
Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until
the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new
priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very
concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking
about having 'fallen.'"

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the
new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing
finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing
about! Your wife fell three times this week."

[ERA535]

Greg and ERA535 were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane
mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were
stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Greg said, “Man, I wish we had
something to drink!”

ERA535 says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a
buzz. You wanna try it?”

Greg says, “Sure, why not?”

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got
completely smashed. The next morning Greg wakes up and is surprised at how
good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing! Then the phone rings, it’s ERA535.

ERA535 says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”

Greg says, “I feel great! How about you?”

ERA535 says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”

Greg says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We
ought to do this more often.”

ERA535 says, “Yeah, well there’s just one thing...”

“What’s that?”

“Have you farted yet?”

“No ...”

“Well, DON’T, ‘cause I’m in PHOENIX.”

[SPF1116]

A man is convicted of a white-collar crime and is sent to a minimum security prison to serve out his sentence. He walks into his room and sits on the edge of the bed, completely dejected.

A few minutes go by and his new room mate walks in. The room says “Why are you so sad, this really isn’t such a bad place. Say, do you like to play tennis?”

The new inmate replies that, yes, he played every week until being sent to prison. The room mate says “Then you’re really going to like Mondays. Every Monday we have tennis tournaments that last all day. All the inmates play and it's followed by a delicious tennis banquet. Say, do you like golf?”

The new inmate replies that yes, he played golf twice a week until being sent to prison. The room mate says “Then you’re really going to like Tuesdays. Every Tuesday we have a golf tournament that lasts all day. All the inmates play and it's followed by a delicious golf banquet.”

The new room mate then asks “Are you a homosexual?” The new inmate says no, no, absolutely not. Straight as an arrow.

The room mate says “Oh. I see. Well, you’re not going to like Wednesdays at all.”

[ERA535]

So this meek little guy gets sent to prison for murdering his wife and is put in a cell with the biggest meanest looking ethnic guy he has ever seen.

The big guy looks at him and growls "Hey you!"

The little guy says "yes?"

Big guy "you want to be the husband or you want to be the wife?"

Little guy thinks about all the ramifications each answer will bring, and figures the best answer would be the "husband", so he answers "the husband".

The big guy says "hey husband, get over here and suck your wifes c-ck!"

[SPF1116]

A man goes to the doctor to complain that his genitalia have somehow turned orange. The doctor, having never heard of such a thing, asks the man to drop his pants and has a look.

Sure enough. The doctor is amazed. It’s as orange as a traffic cone.

The doctor, completely at a loss, assumes it must be some sort of reaction to stress in the man’s life. So the doctor asks about the man’s marriage. The man says he was married to the worst b*tch alive. But he divorced her 6 months ago and hasn’t been happier.

The doctor presses on and asks the man about his job. The man says he quit his job right after the divorce, and got a better one. Now he only works three days a week and is making twice the money.

The doctor, seeing that he’s running out of options, asks the man what he does with his time off. The man replies that he doesn’t really have any hobbies. He just sits around, watches porno movies and eats Cheetos.

[CobraDan]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and
every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that
airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride
costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said,
"Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might
never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and
50 dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.
I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say
one word it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
the pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but

not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still
not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
"By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out,
but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell
out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

[Chad Johnson]

Adult Questions and Answers


Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 U.S. leader

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.

[CobraDan]

A guy walked into the doctor's office for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked.
"I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

[Dave Samson]

A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while
stopped at a stop sign, they are rear ended by a big
semi. Furiously, the guy in the passenger side throws
his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back
to the truck and starts banging on the door.

The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing
there with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue
your ass, Buddy!"

The truck driver, laughs and says, "Suck my dick!"

The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes
get really big and his face lights up. He runs back
to the car, and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't
believe it, he wants to settle out of court!"

[CobraDan]

1.



2.



3.



4.


5.



6.



7.



8.



9.



10. They got Boobs!......

[ERA535]

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with
that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Dont use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle
sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time
this week!!!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling
"run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."

[CobraDan]

The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Holy Bible is only 773,000 words.
However, the tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913, to 7 million words today.

There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with many pages of instructions.

Even the easiest form, the 1040E has 33 pages in instructions, and all in fine print.

The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions each year.

Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the earth.

Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions.

American taxpayers spend $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States.

The IRS employs 114,000 people; that's twice as many as the CIA and five times more than the FBI.

60% of taxpayers must hire a professional to get through their own return.

Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family's income; that's more than for food, clothing and shelter combined.

Scary, isn't it?