Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the
good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.
Now that I'm "older" (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1) I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2) My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3) I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4) Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5) Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
6) What were we talking about?
7) It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8) Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9) I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10) Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11) Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12) It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13) The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.
14) If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15) When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide
to play chess?
16) It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere!
17) The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18) These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go
somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
19) If all is not lost, then where is it?
20) Did I post this to you already?

[Stan Brown]

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, 'This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Jewish men have the biggest diameter penises. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"Tonto Greenburg, nice to meet you."

[Dave Samson]

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up.
"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor
asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest
cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you
think I might be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic disorder
and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a
woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when
you have your period?" the doctor inquired.

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about
seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess!"

[CobraDan]

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his Volvo to an Irish gas station.An attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is. Top o' the morning, etc. As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So, what are those, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger. "And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" enquires the Irishman. "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Volvo think of everything

[CobraDan]

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the
closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh!t again"

[Dave Samson]

.

[CobraDan]

HUSBAND'S NOTE ON REFRIGERATOR TO HIS WIFE:

Someone from the Guyna College's office called.
They said Pabst Beer is normal.

[CobraDan]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name MaryLou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, MaryLou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"
She replied "Your horse called."

[CobraDan]

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Sandra told her sister Cindy.
Cindy suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"
"But what if my husband finds out?"
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Sandra. Go ahead and tell him about it!" said Cindy.
So Sandra went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said her husband. "I've tried that it didn't work."

[CobraDan]

For his birthday Little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father
said, "Son, we'd love to give you a bicycle, but the mortgage on this house
is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it."

The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a
suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard
you tell Mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she
was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself
with an $80,000 mortgage and no transportation."

[CobraDan]

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans paper.
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods.
No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than
adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.
Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments.
Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.
Her pants down around the knees, her reverse side still bare, and she was
picking up speed all the while. The woman continued skiing backwards
until she finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke
her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously
broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So how'd you break your leg?"
she asked, making small talk.
"It was the darnest thing you ever saw," he said, "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees.
I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."
"So how'd you break your arm?????

[CobraDan]

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building
drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says:
"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this
building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the
building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into
the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but
says nothing.
The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in heck that
could happen!"
"No, it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to you."
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the
street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around
the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator
back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who is astonished.
"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must've been a one-time
fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"
"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as
his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him
around the building and into the window.
He takes the elevator back to the bar. Once upstairs, he successfully urges
his dubious fellow drinker to try it.
"Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so
I'll try it!"
He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward - rapidly passes
the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ..his body hits the sidewalk with a loud
"splat."
Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the
first drinker, and shakes his head.
He says, "You know, Superman, you're a real a$$hole when you're drunk."

[CobraDan]

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising
big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you
never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he
pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr.
Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a
drinking problem. The man can't build a normal
relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney was also surprised and shocked.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed
for contempt.

[Fast Farmer]

Q: Why aren't there any female Gasholes?
A: Ladies can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up any pressure to fart.

Disclaimer: I am not a Gashole, nor do I play one on TV.

[Jamo]

Thank you. We were wondering why.

With a joke like that--you're drafted as a Gashole! Don't mention it.

[Dave Samson]

Jamo,

You have been dethroned.

[Jamo]

By a farmer! I represent farmers!!!!

[Dave Samson]

Ewe sure do, that's why I grow mangoes.

[CobraDan]

These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.
The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes.
Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!
She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

[Flyin_Freddie]

oooops...this picture was too large and it lost too much clarity when it was reduced. Sorry...it WAS good....trust me!
If I figure out how to make it work, I'll post it later.

But, now, back to our story....