Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to, honey?"
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing, honey?" The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed.
When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies.
Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my!" she cries: "What is that?"
"Well, darlin'," he says, "That's ma' rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.
"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"
Her husband, panting a little, asks: "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies; "Undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

[CobraDan]

A New Holiday...
Guys, you know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentine's Day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do love them more than any other.
Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out.
That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life.
Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.
Which is why a new holiday has been created.
March 20th is now officially "Steak and B***Job Day."
Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town;
the name of the holiday explains it all, just a Steak and a BJ.
That's it.
Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and, BJ Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 20th. Its like a perpetual love machine!
The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.
And, of course, Steak and BJs.

[CobraDan]

Great Female Comebacks.


Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."

Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."

Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."

Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."

Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"

Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"

Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."

Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?

[Dave Samson]

A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of
fat and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and
suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red
wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans
E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's
speaking English that kills you.

[CobraDan]

A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.
As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.
The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed,
"I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!"

[Dave Samson]

Today is my 53th birthday & I wasn't feeling too hot this morning.

I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant & say "happy birthday" & probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "good morning," let alone any "happy birthday".

I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember". The children came in to breakfast & didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low & despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Betty said, "good morning boss, happy birthday" and I felt a little better someone had remembered!

Betty knocked on my door later & said, "it's such a beautiful day outside & it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you & me". I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go". We went to lunch in a little private place, had two martinis a great time.

On the way back to the office, Betty said, You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "let's go to my apartment".

After arriving at her apartment, she said, " boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable".

" Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom &, in about six minutes, came out carrying a big birthday cake..... followed by my wife, children & dozens of friends.

They were singing "Happy Birthday"......................

And there I sat, on the couch, naked.

[CobraDan]

Anyone can piss on the floor, be a hero sh!t on the ceiling

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.


Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.


Beauty is only a light switch away.


I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.


Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"


God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust?


Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.


No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.


At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.


It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.


Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!


If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.


A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

[Stan Brown]

GETTING SOCIAL SECURITY


A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for
social security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the
counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers
license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he
had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left
his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and comeback later".
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt
revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on
your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his social
security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his
experience at the social security office.
To this the wife says, "You should have dropped your pants,
you might have gotten disability too."

[CobraDan]

"Tater People"


Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are
just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called "Speck Taters".

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with
the way others do the work.
They are called "Comment Taters".

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't
want to soil their own hands.
They are called "Dick Taters".

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking
others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.

They are called "Agie Taters".

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just
never get around to actually doing what they promised.
They are called "Hezzie Taters".

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called "Emma Taters".

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They
are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand.
They bring real sunshine
into the lives of others.
They are called "Sweet Taters".

[Dave Samson]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation,
so he went to see his doctor.

The doctor suggested that the man could solve his
problem by startling himself whenever he thought that
he was going to ejaculate.

So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store
and bought a starter pistol. Then he went home to
try the doctor's advice.

When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him
on their bed,... naked! So he ripped off his clothes
and began making love with her. Eventually, they
wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt
an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked off a
few shots with his new starter pistol.

They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported
his results. He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc!
When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face,
bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of
the closet with his hands in the air!"

[xlr8or]

>
>You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or
>get married and wish you were dead."
>
>Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
>You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you
>wish you had ordered that.
>
>At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
>your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am,
I
>married the wrong man."
>
>After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool
>when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't
>notice."
>
>A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day
>she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
>mine."
>
>The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've
>found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want
>from me,
>sympathy?"
>
>When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let
>her keep him.
>
>
>
>Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
>
>A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
>married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
>
>Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't
>know his wife until he marries her?
>Dad: That happens in every country, son.
>
>Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
>until I got married; by then it was too late."
>
>A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a
>millionaire."
>"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman
>replied, "A billionaire."
>
>Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A Second
>marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
>
>If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
>you say, talk in your sleep.
>
>Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
>thinking they had no faults at all.
>
>You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with
>the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
>
>Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as
>both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house.
>Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
>
>According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men
>fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
>
>Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
>
>My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two
>girlfriends.
>
>How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
>laundry done for free.
>
>The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
>once.
>
>Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your
>parachute.
>
>First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
>Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
>
>Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
>with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
>

[CobraDan]

Facelift
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday.
She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper.
Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32", the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonalds and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question.
She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight
is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and
feel your breasts. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead". The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After about 20 seconds she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "You are 47." Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. How did you know?".
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds.

[CobraDan]

Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.
When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling very comfortable about the whole situation and when the doctor started dropping his pants, she freaked.
"Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?" she yelled.
"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.
"Well, yes, but" stammered the woman.
"Well lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor.
"Were out of the bottled stuff, so you'll just have to settle for what's on tap."

[renaissance man]

A five year old and a four year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the five year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."
The four year old nods his head in approval. The 5 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell," and you say"ass," okay?"
The four year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the five year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."..
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up,and runs upstairs bawling.
The mom looks at the four year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I'm not sure," he says, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

[CobraDan]

LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own bucking business!!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5
birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
LITTLE BILLY ON ... MATH:
Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the bucking difference? " asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called
on little BILLY.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just bucking beautiful!"

[xlr8or]

Kentucky hillbilly Herman James was drafted by the Army and on the first
day as an enlisted man he was given a comb. The following day the Army
barber sheared all of his hair off.

On the third day the Army gave him a tooth brush. On the next day the
Army dentist yanked several of his teeth out.

On the fifth day he was given a jock strap...that afternoon
Herman went AWOL.

[xlr8or]

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are walking through the park and they see a little boy on a swing.
the priest says "Hey lets go see if we can screw that little boy"
The rabbi replies "Out of what?"

[Dave Samson]

switch on your speakers for this one:


http://users.bigpond.net.au/cobracar...rs_SINATRA.mp3

[Ibr8k4vetts]

The address above dose not work for me
Mike
________
extreme vaporizer

[Toivo]

Today's joke:

WASHINGTON -- Six months to the day after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, a Florida flight school where two of the suicide hijackers trained received letters from the Immigration and Naturalization Service indicating that the men had been approved for student visas.

Rudi Dekkers, president of Huffman Aviation in Venice, Fla., said the INS documents certifying the visa status of hijackers Mohamed Atta and Marwan Al-Shehhi arrived in Monday's mail. The documents came nearly eight months after the federal government approved the pair's request to stay in the USA to take flight courses at Huffman.

The student visas had been approved several weeks before Atta and Al-Shehhi piloted two hijacked jets into the World Trade Center towers and killed nearly 3,000 people. When the visas were approved last summer, neither Atta nor Al-Shehhi was on terrorist watch lists maintained by U.S. intelligence agencies.

But for the INS, the delay in notifying Huffman about the visa approvals was an embarrassing reminder of the inefficiency that has long plagued U.S. immigration offices. Critics say such problems made it particularly easy for foreign terrorists to enter the USA.

''I was surprised to see the letters,'' says Dekkers, whose school was under no legal obligation to verify the immigration status of the students. ''I didn't know when they walked in the door (that Atta and Al-Shehhi) were the animals and beasts they proved to be.''

INS officials say the letters sent to the flight school should have been stopped once authorities realized that Atta and Al-Shehhi were among the suicide terrorists. They acknowledge that such glaring mismanagement of documents underscores the need for the U.S. government to improve its tracking of immigrants.

''Perhaps this embarrassing situation will emphasize the importance of getting a computerized (document) system on line,'' INS spokesman Russ Bergeron said Tuesday, referring to a $34 million system scheduled to be in place soon.

The journey of the hijackers' INS paperwork began in August 2000, when the two men applied to change their visa status from tourists to students in preparation for classes at Huffman. INS records indicate that Atta, a 33-year-old Egyptian, was approved for a student visa on July 17, 2001. Al-Shehhi, 23, of the United Arab Emirates, was approved on Aug. 9, 2001.

Letters of approval were mailed to both men at addresses in Florida. But according to INS procedure, copies of student visa papers are issued to schools only after the INS updates its computer records from the information contained on the original documents -- in this case, the visitors' visas that had been held by Atta and Al-Shehhi.

The papers sent to Huffman last week had been at a document processing facility in London, Ky., where contractors for the INS have been updating the agency's records and reducing a backlog of tens of thousands of visa applications.

Bergeron says the contractors in Kentucky were never told to cancel delivery of Atta's and Al-Shehhi's papers. He said the records do not indicate any attempt by the hijackers to circumvent the immigration system. Rather, the men's attention to detail reflects what authorities view as their effort not to attract attention as they prepared to attack.

Dekkers said the INS papers brought a strange sense of relief. ''It's important that people know that we didn't do anything wrong here,'' he said. ''We couldn't know who these people were. The government didn't appear to know, either.''