Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

1. "I'll tell you one thing. If things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."
2. "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
3. "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous." 4. "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?" 5. "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family
business or farm."
6. "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
7. "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off
leaving the car in the garage."
8. "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will
be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
9. "Not only that, but their music drives me wild. That `Rock Around The Clock` thing is nothing but racket."
10. "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying `damn` in `Gone With The Wind,` it seems every movie has a `hell` or`damn in it."
11. "Not only that,but it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?" 12."Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore."
13. "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."
14. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas." 15. "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the
President."
16. "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"
17. "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters
now."
18. "It's too bad that things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
19. "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
20. "Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore, Those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
21. " I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me like that, they won't be able to sit down for a week."
22. "Did you know that the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?"
23. "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops."
24. "I'm just afraid that Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
25. "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder
if we are electing the best people to Congress."
26. "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer."
27. "I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids, Don't take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it."
28. That drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
29. "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
30. "Anymore, no one can afford to be sick. $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
31. "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."
32. "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."
33. "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair." 34. "We won't be going out much anymore. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows
on trees."
35. "Cars that dim there lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves."

[Chad Johnson]

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a
quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad
realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting
for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,
puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and
places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way,
unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes
hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever
more firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects,
the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you
a doctor?"

"No," she says. "Divorce attorney."

[CobraDan]

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand.
One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."

[flipper35]

CobraDan, you forgot one in your why list. Why do drive up ATM machines have braille?

[Dave Samson]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who finds such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.

[Chad Johnson]

It was the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to
know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers did for
a living.

The first little girl said, "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy said, "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

It was then little Johnny's turn and he said "My name is Johnny and my
father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasped and quickly moved on, but later, in the school yard,
the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really true
that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

Little Johnny blushed and said, "Nah, he's really an auditor for Arthur
Andersen but I was just too embarrassed to say so."

[Dave Samson]

THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A BLACK GUY IN TEXAS.....

WHEN I BORN, I BLACK
WHEN I GROW UP, I BLACK
WHEN I GO IN SUN, I BLACK
WHEN I COLD, I BLACK
WHEN I SCARED, I BLACK
WHEN I SICK, I BLACK
AND WHEN I DIE, I STILL BLACK.
YOU WHITE FOLKS......
WHEN YOU BORN, YOU PINK
WHEN YOU GROW UP, YOU WHITE
WHEN YOU GO IN SUN, YOU RED
WHEN YOU COLD, YOU BLUE
WHEN YOU SCARED, YOU YELLOW
WHEN YOU SICK, YOU GREEN
AND WHEN YOU DIE, YOU GRAY.
SO WHO YOU CALLIN' COLORED!!!

[CobraDan]

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Kennedy.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe

[CobraDan]

One day in the Garden of Eden while Adam was away, Eve became really horny.
As she was not expecting Adam back for a while, she decided to go off and look for some fun.
Walking along, she spotted a dinosaur, grabbed it, and copulated with it till it died.
Still not satisfied, she came across some monkeys playing in the trees.
She tried to grab them, but all she could get were handfuls of their hair.
She continued on and came to a stream. She reached in and pulled at the biggest fish she could find and, using it like a dildo, copulated herself until she was satisfied.
This has taught science many things.
We now know why the dinosaurs became extinct.
We also know why monkeys have no hair on their a$$.
But to this day we still don't know how fish used to smell.

[Trans-Am Jim]

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doc, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Arkansas), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Razorback sez to the doctor, "Doc, I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1...2...3...4...5". At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.

[Hotfingrs]

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the

passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she


said "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell,


and crew take you safely to your destination."


Marvin sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right;


is the captain a woman? I think I better have a whiskey and water."


When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I
understand


you right? Is the captain a woman?"


"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."


"My God," said Marvin, "I'd better have two whiskeys and water. I don't


know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."


"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the
cockpit.


Now it's the box office."

[Stan Brown]

The Perks of Being Over 40...
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.

[Dave Samson]

A man woke up one morning to find his wife packing her
bags. "Where the heck are you going?" demanded the husband.

The wife replied, "You know all this free sex I've been
giving you all these years? Well I just found out I can
get $200 a shot for it out in Las Vegas."

With that the husband jumped out of bed and began packing
HIS bags, too.

"Where do you think you're going?" demanded the wife.

"I want to see how you can live on $400 a year!"

[bran3b]

One Friday, MR. Goodbar wanted to Skor. So he took Miss Hersey to the Pot of Gold Motel on the corner of Aero & Fifth Avenue to show her some Twix.

He began to feel her Mounds; that was pure Almond Joy. It made her TootsieRoll and made him want to Eatmore. This is Wonderbar, he let out a Snicker as his Butterfinger went up her Kitkat and caused a Milkyway, she screamed "Oh Henry" as she grabbed his Big Turk and squeezed his M&M's.

Miss Hersey said you are even better then the Three Muskateers, to which Mr. Goodbar replied "When you're this big they call you MR." Soon Miss Hersey was big and chunky and nine months later she had a Baby Ruth.


Turk, I don't know if the "Big Turk" is referring to you, I am just forwarding the story.

From "Pyro's Joke Emporium"

Bran

[Dave Samson]

A newlywed couple and their families were in court. The judge
was questioning the best man about the fight which broke out
at the wedding reception a few weeks earlier.

"Your Honor, we were having a wonderful time. Everyone was
dancing and celebrating. As you know,... it's traditional
for the best man to have a dance with the bride. And that's
exactly what I was doing when the fight broke out. After
our first dance, the music continued, so I danced with her
during the second song. After that, the music STILL continued,
so I danced with her during the third song. That's when the
groom jumped over the tables and gave the bride a powerful
kick in the crotch and a couple of punches to her breasts."

"Wow, that must've been very painful." said the judge.

"You bet it was painful!" replied the best man. "It broke
six of my fingers and gave me a fat lip!"

[CobraDan]

bran3b,
Since Turk has alwas been considered small, your reference to BIG Turk will be great for his ego.
Dan

[CobraDan]

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive cell phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

[CobraDan]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing
construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of
a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,

"Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and
cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this
building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos
again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again". If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw
corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped
to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping said, "If
I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage
I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given
him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos
so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

.........are you ready for it.........

........are you sure your ready for it?.......

.......are you positive your ready for it ?........

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

[CobraDan]

Two men in their 80's are talking in the park. The first one looks at his watch and says, "I must go now, it's time to meet my wife for sex."

The other man says, "We're in our 80's now -- how do you still manage to get it hard?"

"By eating a lot of Rye bread," comes the reply. "That makes it hard as a rock."

The man has to try it and goes to the bakery. He asks the girl for ten loaves of rye bread. The girl asks if it's for a party and he replies, "No, it's all for me."

The girl says, "All for you, it's going to get hard!"

The man replies, "Why does everybody know about it, but me??"

[Dave Samson]

4 worms were placed into 4 separate jars. The first worm was
put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar
of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The last worm was put into a jar of soil.

After 24 Hours:
First worm.... Dead
Second worm... Dead
Third worm.... Dead
Fourth worm... Alive

What can we learn from this???

As long as you drink, smoke, and screw,... you won't get worms!